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#1
Apr 01, 2012, 10:06 AM
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An issue I had had for a long time is dealing with the obsessive perfectionism that I have. I don’t want to talk too much about it, but as a child I used to be beaten and abused badly for making mistakes and doing anything less than perfect. It’s how I lived as a child: Mistakes = Physical Punishment. Everyday. Sometimes my dad used belts and other times he used nothing more than his hands and feet. When I was 9 years old was when I first self-harmed to a point of hospitalization over making a mistake and I began suicidal ideation around the same time. The age of 13 was when I began routine self-harming for making mistakes - I called it a ‘punishment’ for failure. Yesterday had 16 stitches removed for a punishment.
What upsets me is that I feel like nothing I do is good enough and that I am a failure. My counselor at the health centre described it as seeking a ‘stamp of approval,’ which is exactly what I want. When I see or otherwise think about myself I feel disgusted by who I am; all I see is failure and a loser. What is so wonderful about me? I’m a failure at chess, a failure of a photographer, I can’t make any friends or socialize whatsoever, I have had to drop out of school several times, I am ugly to look at, what? About the ONLY responses I receive to this are that I have wonderful characteristics, I have a strong memory, and I can be abused and not kill myself. The first one is meaningless to me. Being respectful, kind, loving, thoughtful, or anything else used to describe me doesn’t make me feel the slightest compassion to myself. I can easily self-harm in whatever method I want regardless of whether or not I am kind and respectful towards others. That doesn’t even remotely affect how I feel about myself. My memory is one others like to comment on. I suppose my autistic, photographic memory can impress a few teachers or individuals here and there, especially when it comes to atlases and maps. I can recite all the world’s capital cities and can essentially describe the geography of every country in the world (a photographic memory of the country). I know all the geographic regions of Argentina, the ice shelves of Antarctica, the formation of the Alps, and lots of other things about the world. Furthermore, I can recite the lengths of all the major rivers, the sizes and populations of several countries, the size of the world’s largest deserts, the distances of the planets from the sun, and other information about the world. What do I say about the last paragraph? I say, “So what?” Great. I can memorize random information from atlases, maps, and about anything else I can look at. How is this helpful to me? Whenever I demonstrate this to others, moreover, I am shunned and thought of as a freak. Lastly I am told I am amazing because I have survived hellacious living conditions, being emotionally, physically, and sexually abused for most of my life. Again, this doesn’t make me feel better about myself. I want to be someone that is worthy of respect and admiration. Looking on the Internet, one man I was reading about is a professor of economics at Harvard University, a grandmaster of chess, and the former head of the International Monetary Fund. How could someone like that be a failure? If I was more like him than I wouldn’t be a failure. Most websites online are useless to me because they don’t consider the situation I am in. I’m told that having supportive friends is helpful. Great idea! Now find me someone that has the capacity to like me, because each and every single time I socialize with others, no matter where it is, I will be rejected, shunned, ostracized, insulted, and/or ignored. It has happened in schools, chess clubs, photography clubs, reptile shows, tarantula shows, everywhere. Just because someone and I share an interest doesn’t mean I will be accepted. Indeed I have had to stop attending and using certain interest based events and websites due to being excessively disrespected. Welcome to the world of being on the autism spectrum! It frustrates me because I feel like a failure in life with no positive qualities or talents 
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 redbull, shezbut
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#2
Apr 02, 2012, 08:14 AM
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Did your father go to prison for beating you?
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#3
Apr 02, 2012, 08:26 AM
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Quote:
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#4
Apr 02, 2012, 11:22 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
__________________
My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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#5
Apr 02, 2012, 03:01 PM
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Quote:
Worse, still, is to be in a situation like approaching a woman, which is hellish for an anxious individual like myself as it is, only to be repeatedly rejected. Often I feel like saying the hell with everyone. |
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#6
Apr 03, 2012, 07:17 AM
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If you are not in counseling, I think it would be helpful, and you might also benefit from a therapeutic group situation, where you could observe the behavior of others and their reaction to your behavior in a safe setting. Given that you father is dead, I urge you to close the door on his behavior toward you. You might think you cannot do that, but you can. You can lay down the burden of those memories of your father and move forward.
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 shezbut
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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