[lexiluv101]

when i was about 12 i started getting weird feelings inside. not the kind when u see a cute guy. but like anxiety. i would always feel rushed i could never focus i started losing memories of my child hood kids started calling me rude names in front of other people. i would go home crying after a while i started cutting myself. now that i'm older i still get those rushed feelings. feeling like i wanna kill myself. i almost have. but no one cared my peers called me a freak. they still do. and i feel like there is no one i can talk to. I'm shaking just typing this. i feel I'm always feeling mad at myself or scared for no reason.

[Mogeii]

Originally Posted by lexiluv101

when i was about 12 i started getting weird feelings inside. not the kind when u see a cute guy. but like anxiety. i would always feel rushed i could never focus i started losing memories of my child hood kids started calling me rude names in front of other people. i would go home crying after a while i started cutting myself. now that i'm older i still get those rushed feelings. feeling like i wanna kill myself. i almost have. but no one cared my peers called me a freak. they still do. and i feel like there is no one i can talk to. I'm shaking just typing this. i feel I'm always feeling mad at myself or scared for no reason.

Hey Lexiluv,

Im sorry you are dealing with this and I first want to say I suffer from mental disorders as well and they are not fun in the least.

But this line is the next important thing to take from my post- It can't, won't, and doesn't last forever. You said you had anxiety earlier in life, and now it still happens but you also feel bad enough to consider suicide. Anxiety disorder and depression are a tag team combo that often come together. I have both, depression being my bigger demon. Here is what I suggest for you- first, if you have people calling you a "freak" they are not educated. In our day and age depression and anxiety are so common that only a completely ignorant person would think its freakish. Ignore them. You are smarter than them. How can I know that? Because some studies show that depression is a very difficult process for a mind to create and endure, and therefore you have to have a lot of brain power to truly experience it. Anxiety on the other hand is very primal and is just our old instincts being activated in times they dont need to be.

My advice? First talk to the closest loved one or friend you have and just be 100% honest with them. If they truly love you they will be there for you. Next, find a therapist or counselor to talk too. Believe me when I say nothing you come in there with will be outside of what they have seen before. Sometimes emotional release is all one needs to tame these beasts inside of us. Next is see a doctor and discuss possible medication options- They do not CURE your illnesses, but they 99% of the time help your symptoms be manageable so you can do the real work it takes to get healthy.

Seems like a lot when you are so fragile huh? You are right, it isn't easy, but that first step of telling someone you trust is 100000000000000% the best thing you can do to start. Find a therapist at your own pace, and find a doctor to talk to about it when you feel ready. Sitting alone on this won't help, if you really can't think of ANYONE to talk to consider local churches, emergency centers, or hey keep using these forums. Its all about the first step, after that it becomes a journey that is always moving forward, even when it feels like it isn't.

I'm sorry your peers call you freak but the silver lining there is that you know these are not people you would want as friends. If you're still at home and in school is it possible to talk to your parents or a school counselor? What you describe definitely sounds like severe anxiety, The good news is: that can be overcome with therapy and/or medication.
Just talking about it here to others who have had similar experiences can be very helpful. Personally I don't believe being "different" is a bad thing but the distress it can cause can be scary and painful. You're not alone

[Joesnow2000]

Hi. Ive felt those same things. I decided if I cant control my own emotions I would at least control my actions. It seems crazy, but when those dark feelings come, I just chuckle and smile. If someone asks why I chuckled, I just say "oh nothing". Afterall, since im usually the guy helping someone out, if I appear introspective, they can only accept it. sorry if its not much help, but I do beleive people will come to respect you if you got the illogical burden of "depression" and are still able to be more usefull than them. Its a rough road, but its ours to take. Take care and good luck!