[Hamartia]

I don't know what to say, my story is a long one and I am not in the mood for typing. I suffer from double depression, general anxiety disorder, PTSD and self mutilation tendencies. The physical abuse started around the age of 9 and lasted until I left for college. I was raped by a stranger at 14 on my high school campus which didn't help matters. At 16 I made a decision to swallow everything that happened to me down. That was the only way I could see to survive. I was leaving for college and thought that if I just pretended everything was okay, then maybe for the most part it would be, and for ten years for the post part it was. I would have issues pop up but I was able to reign them in, I got really good at lying to myself and others that I was okay. Now ten years later, I am in a really bad place. I am not if something triggered it, or if it was just natures way of making me examine the crap that I have been ignoring for so long. Either way, I don't know what to do. I can barely function and feel like a ghost, a shadow, a whisper. I feel like I am just going through the motions but am never really present. I have feelings of guilt, shame, hopelessness, self-loathing, and like the world would be better off if I were not in it. I am not sure what else to do. I have tried pretty much everything. I am worried that I am going to lose my job because somedays I can't even be bothered to get out of bed. I am so exhausted from the lack of sleep and flashbacks that work is the last thing I want to do. Does anyone have any advice for me? Can I ever over come the abuse that haunts my days and nights? Any thoughts are welcome. Thanks-

[kiwiguy]

Wow...I feel so bad for you. Don't ever think that things will never get better for you, because I've been in the blackest of black holes and somehow was lifted out of it.
Maybe it's hard to believe but, I've felt the same things that you do most of my life. Even though I'm a guy I've been physically abused by my father and other bullys since I can remember. I was also sexually abused by my former doctor. All the feelings you have of shame and worthlessness are mine too.
I'm just writing this to show you are not alone. You can find people like me, that sadly understand what you're going through.
Can I give you any advice? The truth is that advice can't change the past. What we both need is a way to cope with the future. Maybe writing here is a step in the right direction...for both of us.
Take care...rcguy