[MeMyselfandI83]

I have a history of Depression and Anxiety. I have been on medicine twice before. I had been diagnosed with PPD once and more just depression/anxiety the last time because it was almost 18months after my child that I went for help. The medicine always seemed to help. I don't want to be in this place again. I always fear living like this. I don't want to be that person who needs to be on medication.

In the past 6 months we have packed up our family and moved 500+ miles away from where I had lived my entire life. We have no family here. No friends. Just us and our kids. I have also had a baby in the past six months. Lots of change.

I feel myself going down the path of depression/anxiety. I feel crazy. I look forward to nothing except having a drink or two in the evening and going to sleep. I have no hobbies or interests.

I feel like I am a robot. I don't feel like anyone else notices that I am a person with wants and needs to. I am so busy fulfilling everyone else's wants and needs in this house that when I have time to do something for myself it makes me nervous. It is near impossible for me to drive myself to the bookstore or to go get a coffee. Something I would enjoy. I can't just get in the car and go. Its such a process in my head of what-ifs. What if I get in a wreck? What if something happens while I'm gone? Not to mention how difficult it is for me to make a decision and follow through with it alone.

The littlest things set me off. Someone spilling something that I know I will have to clean up totally puts me over the edge. I can't deal with it. All I can do is scream and yell. What I want to do is go on a tirade of throwing and bashing and yelling. More work for me. Nobody is even going to notice I cleaned it up. Considering it is very hard for me to do. I have to talk myself into even going through the actions to clean up the mess.

I don't enjoy my children. I feel like I am a horrible mother to them. When I am in a mood like this even the sound of them playing bothers me. I wish go rent a hotel room for me and the baby and get away from everyone. Never would I actually do it if I had the chance. No way would I go do something like that by myself.

Everything seems so hard. Fixing myself a glass of water is HARD. Having to feed my children is hard. It is like just one more thing on top of everything else. Then I start thinking of all the things that I have to do. Something as simple as putting away dishes is such a process. I first have to talk myself into doing it. Then I have a internal conflict the entire time I am doing it of how much I hate it. Which just brings on everything else I hate doing. When I am done I am usually like how silly. It only took a few minutes. I know the internal conflict is silly. It just won't go away. I don't enjoy taking care of my children. Or being a wife. That is who I am. So I guess I don't enjoy being me.

I feel like I am being pulled under. All the while I am telling my husband all these things and all he says is he wishes he could fix it. He wants me to go back home with the baby and leave the big kids with him for a few weeks. He thinks I need a break. As much as I would love to I would be worried leaving my kids. As much as I can't stand being near them the thought of being away is just as hard. Leaving won't fix anything. The problems will be waiting for me when I get back.

I don't want to be the crazy person. I don't want to need help. I don't want to have to take medicine to feel normal.

I don't feel like this every day so maybe I am just having really bad days. They all seem to blend into the next. Even when I have a great day I feel so overlooked and unappreciated. I get no paycheck at the end of the week. I don't contribute in any way. Except to the yelling and the screaming and my family walking on egg shells around me. My kids are afraid of me. Even the dog runs for cover when I start getting angry. I hate being such an angry person. I feel like there are always grey clouds above my head.

[Open Eyes]

Woah, slow down, you definitely need a break sweetheart. You may just have to go back on some meds for a bit. Wow, you are in hyper control here. And you have no outlet for yourself in this picture you paint here. You need to make an appointment with a gyno and make sure your hormone levels are ok. You can't help it if your hormones are off and you need help with that.

You should see if you can get a mother's helper for a bit. You need someone to help take the load off of you for a while. You have to allow some down time for yourself, it is not fair to you and not fair to the children either, you know that. It is your responsiblity to take care of the mommy of the home here and stop pushing and worrying about every little thing here. And GUESS WHAT, IF YOU LET SOME THINGS GO, LIKE KEEPING THE HOUSE PERFECT? IT TRUELY WILL NOT BE THE END OF THE WORLD. You simply cannot be perfect here and you do need some down time. Two older children? Are they old enough to do some chores?

You need to provide for you in here sweetheart. You know that saying? "IF MOM IS NOT HAPPY NO ONE IS HAPPY!" Well, this is true, true, true. and you have to do something to help YOU be happy too.

Sit and plan what you can do to make that happen. NO MORE BUTS HERE, you have to do this.

Now, calm down, motherhood is a big job, you are the CEO of that family and deserve a break.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Leed]

Dearheart, it sounds to me like you have Post-Partum Depression again, and it's SERIOUS. You're going to have a nervous breakdown if you don't see your doctor SOON. PLEASE see him as soon as you can! What is WRONG with medication?? I know you don't want to be on it forever, but you don't have to be --- just long enough to get you thru this!

I've been on an antidepressant for MANY years, because I've been depressed since I was a child. I'll be on one until I die most likely. I'd rather be on meds than living in a hell hole. I can't live like you're living now. No way.

So please --- before you lose it --- see your doctor. This isn't going to go away by itself. Get some help sweetie. There's no shame in it believe me. Millions of women suffer from this.

I wish you the very best. God bless and let us know how you're doing. Hugs, Lee