[Touch of gray]

Gotta love sundays. I lie in bed for two hours after I wake up. My husband wakes up & gets up right away. After he leaves, I manage to drag my bones out of bed & then curl up in a ball on the floor and crawl under the bed (it's a water bed, so I couldn't get too far in).

Yes, crazy and stupid, but I just wanted to get comfortable & it seemed like a good thing thing to do at the time. It was nice down there - it was completely dark, I didn't feel like I had any obligations, there weren't any expectations on me, and I didn't feel so vulnerable. After about 45 minutes, I got up. Fortunately before my husband found out what I was doing. The sweetie had made me oatmeal and was cooking pea soup (cold, rainy day here).

I think I could use some advice (I definitely need some help!)

Should I tell my husband what I was doing? (I think he thinks I'm all better because I'm taking pills and I'm oh so very skilled at pretending everything is just ducky. He'd really stress if he know just how messed up I am inside).

Tomorrow I have a final appt. with the counselor I've been seeing through the employee assistance program from work. At my visit 3 weeks ago, he thought I was doing much better & the doc had just upped my zoloft dosage -- see the part about my pretending superpower above)

Tues. I see the doc to check in about the meds. It's been 5 weeks since I've been at 100 mg. & I don't think it's doing much of anything except reduce the heart pounding, head humming, ampped up on 10 cups of coffee anxiety feeling that I've been dealing with. Should I tell him about this morning, or should I just crawl under his desk in the exam room before he comes in?

Weds. I see a new behavioral health guy. He's a clinical social worker. I guess I should probably mention something to him. Wonderful first impression.

Or, should I call in sick tomorrow, take a bunch of money out of the bank, go buy a cheap used car, drive it until be breaks down somewhere, and become a heroin addict?

In know I sound flippant about all of this, but I'm really pretty scared & take it seriously. I just can't figure out if I'd be safe if I revealed all the ugliness. I don't want to make things worse.

Any and all advice is gratefully welcomed. Sorry for the length here.

You folks are wonderful.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Touch of gray

...I manage to drag my bones out of bed & then curl up in a ball on the floor and crawl under the bed ... I just wanted to get comfortable & it seemed like a good thing thing to do at the time. It was nice down there - it was completely dark, I didn't feel like I had any obligations, there weren't any expectations on me, and I didn't feel so vulnerable.

Reading this two things jumped up at me. I have no idea if they apply, but maybe they are worth mentioning.

1. Some who suffer from autistic symptoms (and others) find calming effects in tight-fitting clothing or even inflatable suits. This has something to do with "sensory integration."
2. My dog who had a thunder phobia would try to stuff his bulk into the smallest space possible at the first sign of stormy weather. Had I known about them when he was alive, I would have gotten him a Thundershirt.

Whether were talking about people or animals, calming comfort and snugness seem to go together. Perhaps crawling under the bed may have been exactly what you needed; you responded to a natural and rational urge.

[sconnie892]

I understand that urge to hide under something. I often have to fight the urge to crawl under my desk or hide in my office closet at work when I am having a bad day. There are even some times at therapy appointments that I want to curl up into a ball on the floor. (I have yet to actually do that.)

This is just me, but I would share it with your counselors and pdoc. Don't worry about the first impression with the new guy. It's his job to help you and getting a clear picture of where you are at can only assist him in doing that.

[Touch of gray]

Thanks for the replies. Do they make Thundershirts for people??!!! That's so cool, Rohag. Sconnie, I'll keep an eye out for you the next time I go and hide & I'll take your advice to 'fess up to the doc. (when I tell him I think the M&M's I seem to be addicted to have more of an effect than his zoloft.)

I did tell my husband. I'm underestimating his concern. When I told him, he asked me if I needed a new happy place - he'd be more than willing to move someplace else if that's what I wanted to do. (that isn't the problem, though).

I really needed your feedback today. I really appreciate it.