[penguinsing]

[My mother is in a very hobby- avocational musical drama group (not Japanese) , they are going to perform. This time during the performances, there will be two ladies wearing yukata. Yukata is a summer form of Japanese kimono, it’s not as simple as wearing bathrobe. It needs a certain way to wear it. The background matter is about whether I will be helping out in dressing the ladies in yukata during the show. ]

(for background information, refer to "Frustrate, going circles, unclear, talk tricky")
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=231159

Why I wrote? I am hurt, also, lack of someone to talk to. I tried to analyse my feeling, know myself. I think perhaps, comprehend them would give me more inner peace. At least I hope my approach is right. But I am still very depress and very upset.

Mother and her close long time friend (lets name her Vinnie) (also a family friend), was practicing with the teacher. Teacher asked if I will have sudden mental issue (I can understand, not upset, just a bit unhappy, it’s okay). My mother doesn’t think I would have problem. Vinnie, said she is not sure, not definite. My mother told me last Sunday.

Okay, even I want people to be on my side (we all want it, right?) , I don’t force anyone. If you don’t agree then you don’t, can’t be force to change (if one’s mindset can be change that easy, there would be no mental health problem, people can stop feeling depress or angry, when they want to).

But Vinnie don’t need to express herself, even if is not on my side. She is not my mother. I think my mother should be the one to answer the teacher question, instead of Vinnie. I can understand if she don’t agree. I am mainly upset that, (not because Vinnie not on my side), I am mainly upset that she gave answer. As a friend, she should keep silent. It’s means the same, as not agree, not on my side, when she said she is not sure, not definite.

I wish I didn’t know about it. But the thing is I already know about it. I cannot pretend and I cannot brush it off, and create fake harmony, that’s personality of my family.

I tried my best to be reserve. I was going to let the teacher see me in yukata, but I won’t. I was going to give my yukata photo to my mother to let her show it to the teacher, but I won’t. I tried to be reserve.

Monday my mother come up to my room. I told her please leave, she still have to continue to stay for a while before she leave. Then Vinnie came to my room. I wanted to ignore her, but I was weak, I did not. I feel like I have gave it in, and that’s such an loser act. I feel like I need to stand strong to my principle and let them know.

I go downstairs to the living room, mother and Vinnie was sitting there. I hesitate about tell Vinnie of what I think. But then, they act like nothing have happen, my mother talking about the hair wig Vinnie wants to match with her yukata.

(notice: Vinnie refuse my help and I was going to help another lady, not her. Sunday night, mother spoke so absolute to me that she will not help out on Vinnie yukata.) It’s not like I need mother to break communication with anyone. But my mother initially told me last night she is not going to be involve in Vinnie yukata. And then yet, Monday they were talking about the wig matching her yukata. Perhaps you think wig is wig, yukata is yukata, but that’s not the point, the point is how my mother spoke to me.

Then I speak to Vinnie, of what I think. I said to her. To firm my principle I ask for their attention and throw the cookie she brought me in the garbage can.

I don’t think I can heal overnight, after founding out about what she said during the practice. (I cannot pretend, act as everything is fine. And I am not good at lying to myself, to my feeling. ) I feel weak, I feel I was being waving white flag, that, I did not ignore her. (and then founding out they were talking related things in the living, just really…. ) . I have to express and let them know my I will be firm to my decision.

Then conflict, argument… etc etc. My mother is angry that I am not keeping harmony. And she said I am making embarrass for her and the teacher, about Sunday **phone conversations, I was polite when I speak to her teacher on the phone. (But Sunday, mother I said I solve the matter right) Yet Monday, my mother change.

**(regarding the phone conversation, refer to "Frustrate, going circles, unclear, talk tricky")
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=231159

My mother is so “ first second this, next second that” (I think I forgot to remind myself that….from I think of my past childhood experience). And that she always concern about harmony and relationship with others, but put me at secondary. [My uncle was verbal abusive to me, but my parents let it be, coz they don’t want to affect “harmony”(of how real) and their relationship of relatives. Then end up spoiled my uncle. He end up being physical abusive to me, choking my neck. During he did that, my family still trying to “harmonize” the situation, they said things like ‘…it’s fault, yeah, I was not right, etc etc…’. Coz they want my uncle to be able to keep his face, ‘giving’ him a stairs to walk. ….. what about me? My rights. No one stands up for me.]

Mother also said things to hurt me, she use what I told her, to hurt me. And she also reveal unrelated things, to hurt me. I notice she tends to tell me things. And thinking that I will feel / think / behave like nothing happen, my mother “act” like this way (and the fake harmony), but she just keep it in until explode. I will not speak open heart (polite claim) with my mother again, since she likes to use it against me to hurt me.

(for background information, refer to "Frustrate, going circles, unclear, talk tricky")
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=231159

It's raining, outside and inside.

[Rohag]

It appears truth and openness are incompatible with your mother's "harmony."

Depression is a heavy burden. Trying to play diplomat when your heart is not in it is another burden.

May you find peace, and your own harmony, Penguinsing.