[haoleflip]

Hello! I apologize ahead of time for this long rant and my carry-on sentences and skipping around! It's all overwhelming and I just want to get it all out. I also want to make sure that I cover a lot of important details so things may be easier to piece together enabling an easier conclusion. Also keep in mind that I have never been this detailed with anyone before, as I have trouble speaking to someone face to face about these issues. I just hope someone here can hear me out and/or possibly relate to me and my emotions. I know some of you are going to laugh and think I'm kidding. I know my life isn't the worst and I know others have been through a lot worse, but I just feel like I need help and that's why I am here. Anyway....

I am a 27 year old male who has generally good health. I am not cocky or conceited, but confident to say that I am a good-looking young man and have been told by many women. With that said, I am barely insecure about myself and my looks. I am 5'10" and 145 lbs. I am slim/athletic build. My dominant ethnic backgrounds are Filipino (Father) and Caucasian (Mother - German, Irish, Welsh). I am very shy, yet very easygoing and chill. I rarely lose my temper, yet I am very impatient. That sounds weird, but it's true. I never lose my temper with people, as I have only been in 1 physical confrontation my whole life, but I do lose patience easily and will walk away, show disinterest or just give up. Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was only 2 years old, so I remember nothing about him at all. I never knew how much this would affect me until I got old enough to understand the benefits of having a father and a complete family. At times I feel I was raised inadequately and I am unable to understand certain things in life because of that. Although my mother was a great role model and taught me a lot, I still feel like something is still missing. She was great to me and was the best mom she could be and still is to this day. I love my mother and would do anything for her. At times I just think "what if my father was still here, how different would my life be today?" However, my mom has done great and has done too much at times. She has definitely gone over and under to be the best. As a struggling single mother, my grandparents helped out a lot as my mom was always working and trying to make a living for me and her. She later married an army man and when I was 7 she gave birth to my brother. A few years later, we were stationed to Colorado Springs, CO when I was 10 years old. Although I was still young at the time, this was a big change of pace for me. I was used to wonderful weather all the time, not too hot and never too cold. When bored I was either taken to the beach, out bicycle-riding, or even taken to my favorite local food spot. My family was always very good to me. Sometimes even spoiling me often. It was the good life.....

Then I move away from family and everyone that I know, was forced to get used to new weather (annoying and constantly changing), new people and new "activities," which are slim to none in this semi-big city that seems like a small suburb of Los Angeles where everybody knows everybody. Although I've already been here for more than half my life (17 years), I've been secretly dreading living here for maybe the past 5-10 years. Colorado is a very beautiful place to some people. Mountains, snow, wildlife and other attractions that are different from those in Hawaii were beautiful to me for a while. Now, I am just sick of it all. The weather is horrible. It can be completely sunny and warm in December, but later in the day a cold front is possible and it ends up snowing. The summer heat mixed with 0% humidity here is enough to be a single reason that one could possibly end their life over. I'm kidding, but do you get my sarcasm? It may be hot in Hawaii, but it's hot and humid and at least I can breath at sea level and then jump in the ocean after a long hot day. The weather isn't the only bad thing though. This town is literally boring and anyone can tell you that. I did everything there is to possibly do here in the first couple of years living in this state. Now everything is just boring. I started going to middle school here and life was peachy at the time. High school years were the hardest in my life. I suffered (actually should say suffer because I still do) with ADHD most of my teenage years. I could not sit still in a class all day and I lost interest in a lot of the things being taught because I already knew about the subject or it was just very uninteresting to me. I'm not saying that I am a genius, but I consider myself a very intelligent person. I am great with grammar, spelling, math, science and technology including computers and cell phones. I am very rational and logical with everything I do. Everything I know, I learned on my own by doing research online or in books. Anyway, I ended up dropping out of High School after going for almost 6 years. Yeah that's right, 6 years and still did not graduate. I went to 4 different high schools and I was always skipping class until I finally got my G.E.D. and stopped going altogether. Of course, with this state of mind, college was never a thought for me. I just could not stay in school and was definitely not going to pay to stay in more schooling. For some reason, my motivation just wasn't there at the time when it came to making money, living independently and thinking about my future. What was happening then, in the now, was the only thing I cared about.

During my freshmen and sophomore years, life was good. I was getting decent grades, played on the school's baseball team and I held my first job for a few months at a Wendy's fast food restaurant with some close friends from school. I saved up around $900 to buy a top-of-the-line Haro BMX bike because me and my friends were really into BMX and street freestyle. I was never the popular one even though I always wondered what it would be like. I had a nerdy bowl haircut and I was scrawny at the time. I had a small group of friends that consisted of about 6 guys and 6 girls with random people coming in and out of the group like friends change as seasons do. Some of us dated each other, some just remained strictly friends. We had good times. Us boys would be out riding bmx and tearing up the streets while the girls were doing their girly things, then we would meet up at the end of the day and hang out all night. Unfortunately I soon quit my job, BMX and even baseball. My friends and I being a very influential group of individuals and were open to knew things. A few of us were talking to some other acquaintances of ours about raves and parties. Of course my group decided to go to a rave for the first time. As you know, with raves comes ecstasy, acid, special k, mushrooms and other weird pills which I unfortunately ended up ingesting. So we raved and did it all for almost 2 years until it became a thing of the past. I'm glad this was just a phase of mine, but only later realizing even a quick phase can be harmful. The end of High School ended this phase. We all ended up breaking up and moving on with our lives like a cliche high school movie. We all went our separate ways, at least I know I did. Like a lot of other things in my life, I got bored with it all and decided to go a different route. I ended up hanging out with more "bad friends" and started another bad phase. This time even worse. With these new friends I turned into a serious druggie. I spent a lot of money and wasted a few years of my life mainly on cocaine and other narcotics including marijuana and sometimes even meth. I even drank on occasion. This is happening all before I turned 21. This was the worst time of my life. I was lost. I didn't know where I was going in life and I had no goals. I was easily influenced. I had nothing to pursue and I had no dreams whatsoever. All I know is that I got into a lot of trouble and put my mom through hell during this time. I had no motivation to do anything. My friends had cars, so I had no desire to even work to buy myself a car of my own. They always drove me around, so why did I need a car? My life, at this time, was certainly being catered to by others, especially my mom. I think she had the worst time. I stole money from her and treated her horribly. They say never regret anything in life, but I'd have to say that this whole time was definitely something I now wish I could go back and do differently. It's funny I always failed to heed the warnings in life. Adults (especially my mom) always told me to shape up or I'm going to have a hard time in the future. I see now that they were 100% correct. One thing I am happy about, is that I ended up completely quitting all drugs and turned my life around. One of my friends were arrested, causing me to open my eyes and I got out of the scene fast. I quit cold-turkey.

As my life went on, I realized I was now trapped in the reality that I set myself up for and I have dug myself a deep hole. I now understood what all the adults were trying to tell me. I was older now. About 21 or 22. During my teenage escapades I did a lot of stupid things and ended up in the hospital. I racked up a lot of hospital bills (over $8,000) from falling off of my bike to breaking my hand and even alcohol poisoning. During this time I got into a fight with an ex girlfriend and ended up with intentions to kill myself. I originally planned to down an entire liter of brandy and take 10 cold pills. I ended up getting scared and only drinking 1/2 of the bottle and took only 3 cold pills until I got sick and called 911. This racked up more hospital bills for the ambulance ride, them pumping my stomach and my entire hospital stay with counseling. This was the only time I can honestly say I wanted to end my life and it was over a female. Since then, I have been steering away from a lot of relationships because of that one. It scared me how I was so emotionally attached to someone that when they broke my heart I wanted to do harm to myself. I have had some small flings here and there and a few one night stands since then (I know, typical guy) but nothing as serious as that second serious relationship I was in. I guess I am too scared of the emotional roller coaster I was once riding years ago and I am afraid that if it happens again, I would have the guts to actually end my life this time.

A few months after all of this I ended up getting a job at a KFC fast food restaurant and made some new friends. I worked my butt off to a General Manager position. This was a highlight of my life. It was the biggest achievement for me. Of course, I had to celebrate my coming of wealth. This time, I was 21 and it was all about going to clubs and drinking. I also smoked marijuana occasionally during this time, but marijuana never hurt anyone and I even still smoke occasionally. I do live in a semi-legal state. Anyway, I made a lot of new friends and met a lot of new people during this time. I never did anything crazy during this time. I drove drunk a few times and made a couple of bad decisions, but nothing that ever got me in trouble like I used to. I had grown up a bit and was now on my own with responsibilities. This was probably the best time of my life. I was making good money, finally bought myself a nice car, was taking business trips to Hawaii and other places in the U.S., had some good friends and had some hot flings that kept me busy. I was set for those 4 or 5 years. Life was good again.

Almost 2 years ago I decided to make some bad decisions at work. I slept with an employee of mine while I was a general manager. Of course, me being the single jerk who was anti-relationship, she got mad and ended up describing the whole thing as a "forced relationship to be able to keep her job" type of ordeal. My intentions were honestly not that, but females do have the power to screw men over and I made a bad choice by getting involved with her. I guess I can say that I saw it coming. My money-making job and the life that followed was now history. I was suspended for a week while they investigated and then I was let go. All because of a female, AGAIN. Now, being someone who grew up with no financial guidance, I was broke. I was stupid and didn't save a dime. Like in an earlier stage of my life, I had no motivation to save money and made no plans for the future. I had made a lot of money and the only thing I had to show for it was a nice apartment and a nice car, but guess what? Without that high-paying job I couldn't afford my apartment anymore. Luckily I was able to pay off the car, but the apartment was bye bye. I could no longer afford the $950/month I was easily paying in rent. I ended up moving back in with my mom at age 24.

After I lost my job is basically when everything started going downhill. I thought I was doing great in life and headed in the right direction, but was stopped instantly over something that could have easily been avoided. All of my stupid decisions in life have put me where I am today. I have no desire to have a relationship with any women, I don't want to work extra hard again for something that I can easily lose, I have maybe 1 friend that I actually go and visit every now and then and that's it. I live with my little brother in a small 2-bedroom apartment and can barely make rent with the full time job that I have now. My brother just lost his job and is searching for a new one. As much as I love him, this is upsetting to me. I don't know how motivated he is either because he grew up like me. I am about to be demoted to part time due to my poor performance at work. I liked the work that I am doing at first, but now that I've been here for almost 2 years, I am starting to get bored with it and I am hating it. I don't have any college credentials that could even qualify me for another decent job and I'm sure as hell not going to work in fast food again. I quit drinking after losing my job because I felt drinking was what led me to a crazy lifestyle and making more bad decisions. I took the female employee out one night and we both drank and things elevated and that's where it all started. So I quit that. I have continued to smoke Marijuana occasionally to help cope with different things every now and then. It is the only thing that keeps my anxiety to a minimum. Now, I don't want to argue about Marijuana. Some people support it and some don't. It's like religion. I know that smoking it is certainly NOT why my life is the way it is. I was smoking it when I was doing good too. But anyway, I just feel like I have no purpose in life now. I wake up every day and go to a job that I hate, dealing with stupid customers all day in a retail atmosphere. One thing I didn't mention, is that I am shy and very unsocial. I have trouble communicating with others. With my intelligence level, I always am quick to spot flaws in people in the way they act, speak and through their gestures. This has given me a steady hate for mankind. I have trouble trusting people, even those who are close to me. I notice every little thing someone says and how they act. I always say things to myself like "Man I hate people," or "Why are people so stupid?" I always question people and why they do the things they do. My latest thing has been keeping up with world news and criminals. It interests me so much to know what crazy people are doing in this world that it makes me hate mankind even more. I feel mankind is corrupt and I now have strong feelings that our government is corrupt. I have been reading up on a lot of conspiracy theories lately, especially documentaries about the world ending and how it might happen. I don't like going out with friends anymore. I became secluded. I wake up every day, I go to work for a few hours then come home and hop on a computer I recently built that I blew my tax returns on. I proceed to game all night and I have a lot more "friends" online than I do in reality. I go to sleep and repeat. I have no motivation to go out and make something of my life anymore. I just continue doing the same thing. I am almost to the point of giving up. I always think about suicide. I never have thoughts like how I am going to do it or anything like that. I just think sometimes that I'd rather just end my life than have to deal with everything I have going on in life. I feel like I have nothing and due to the lack of friends and people in my life, I sometimes feel like no one cares about me and wouldn't care if I was gone. Of course the thought scares me and I don't ever feel like I'd have the ability to muster up the courage to actually commit suicide. Since the alcohol and pill incident I never had any more thoughts of suicide because I looked back and asked myself what I was thinking. I called myself young and stupid and made a vow that would never happen again. This time it isn't just a girl who is messing with my emotions. It is life.

How should I cope? Any tips? Can anyone say they've gone through some similar events? I think I just need someone to assure me there is a lot more to life because right now I'm just not seeing anything.....

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AOKP SELFKANG ICS 4.0.4 * Flashed to Cricket

[Leed]

Forgive me, but you need a good kick in the butt! Why are you so critical of people who may not have perfect grammar, or who may not be as "intelligent" as you? Chances are they have a darn good HEART and would do anything for you! They'd probably give you the shirt off their back! People in general are great -- they are good, generous, and kind. Yet you judge them and call them "stupid." Hmmm Yeah, a swift kick in the butt might do you some good!

Did you leave home after you dropped out of high school? Or did you still stay there and mooch off your Mom while you were drinking, drugging & raving & running up hospital bills? Your Mom should have whipped your butt. But she enabled you and you continued on with your atrocious behavior.

As you can see, I don't feel too sorry for you because you're obviously an intelligent person -- but you've dug your own hole. You're just lazy and dont' want to WORK for what you get. You want it handed to you. Yes, this is harsh, but you NEED something HARSH to get you to wake up!

You're old enough now to be talked to like this. Someone should have talked to you like this YEARS ago. YES -- life IS worth living if you put some EFFORT into it. But if you're going to lay there like a SLUG -- then it doesn't seem so great.

IF you're truly depressed, then see a therapist. But I don't see any symptoms of depression. All I see is laziness and the attitude of "entitlement." It doesn't work that way in this country. Sorry. Oh yes, you're from Hawaii -- Well in the MAINLAND it doesn't work that way.
Best of luck. Lee

[haoleflip]

Ya, you're an asshole....I came here to seek help for real feelings. I do have the ability to work hard, but the feelings I have are keeping me from achieving and living a normal life. It's not laziness. I don't see a therapist because good ones are rather expensive and I'm not rich like you must be. I'm a real person suffering with real problems. Just thought I could get free advice on a forum where people help people. Instead I am negatively criticized by you. I'll take it elsewhere, hope you figure your depression thing out. Whatever it may be.

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AOKP SELFKANG ICS 4.0.4 * Flashed to Cricket

[Leed]

Sorry if I miss-read this. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Your post almost came across as "flippant." I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Since you're suffering from depression, can you contact your Local Social Services Department and see if you qualify for assistance? It's possible that you might. If you do, they would pay for mental health therapy. Check into it and see if you qualify.

Again, I apologize for missreading your post. I wish you the best. God bless. Please take care. Hugs, Lee

[mrmag]

sorry i have no tips for u i still need to find a way to deal with my life but by the sounds of it you havent been depresed that long

[regretful]

Dear Haoleflip,

That's quite a long story of your young life; and it has been filled with twists and turns all along. One tip that I would offer to you is to get an evaluation for substance abuse - just because weed is "semi-legal" in CO doesn't mean that it is good for you. If you are still using any drugs then it is likely contributing to your depression. In most states, these evaluations are easy to come by. Don't worry about the therapist/clinician being too expensive...I used to believe that the only good therapists are those who cost a lot of money...in fact, I resisted all therapy when I was first depressed, eventually getting help from a social worker at a vet center (I'm a veteran, so this was my option)...try the local office of Catholic Charities or Jewish Family Services. They don't have a "be a member of our faith" requirement, and they work on either a no-fee or sliding-scale basis.

You have come to the right place. Sometimes you get an abrupt answer...take that as it comes...And take the approach to the feedback on here as the esteemed Albert Ellis said about the information given in any therapy session. Everything that is thrown at you is s**t - so, take away what sticks and leave the rest behind...

And before you say that drugs have not been a problem, read your post again about how you gave it all up cold-turkey...if an alcoholic stops drinking but then starts smoking weed, then they are still an addict...

Good luck with your struggles. Stay hopeful...