[SecretLily]

My world is crashing down around me and I have no where to turn. No one in my family can help and I am just out of options. I know my depression is hitting me hard and I can't stop this downward spiral that I have been on. Ever since April 19 when I got very sick to where I could not walk straight because dizziness would hit me hard and fast. I could not walk with out almost passing out or getting so nauseous that I could not function. I went into the Dr, and he told me to go to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. I went and they said that I have polyps in my nose that need to be removed one is about the size of a quarter and the other is about 5-6in in length and goes up by my eye(which they are unsure if they are cancerous or not), plus my adenoids and my tonselis are over sized and need to come out. During this time I was trying to get back together with my Ex husband everything seemed to be going fine and I was talking to an old friend of mine. I joke with him a lot and stuff but it was never anything serious. Well instead of confronting me with my joking with my friend my ex went out and found someone else off of eHarmony. I was devastated, which my condition worsened because of this, my headaches got more sever and it lead to blurred vision and at one time I got tunnel vision for a bit. That scared me. My ex does not seem to care about anything that is going on with me. I got us phones and he promised that he was going to pay on the bill and stuff till I got my operation. Well, now I am stuck with a 600.00 bill and he does not want to pay a dime. He thinks that I took 300.00 of his check, if I did that I would have gotten the bill mostly paid because I need my phone as much as he does. Well with my surgery pending and coming up on my Birthday in May I was not to happy. But I was going to be glad when it was over. The day before I got a call and was told my surgery was cancelled. I was in shock to say the least, my mom got into a huge argument with them about this and found that I owed a bill which was in collections. I have never heard about this collections, I called the collections agency and I told them that I needed them to help me out if they could so I can get my surgery so I can return to work. They said unless I paid off the bill in full they would not help me, I was in tears and I told the woman on the phone that I needed the surgery so that I can return to work and stuff. The lady at the collections agency told me and I quote, "Well, I guess your going to die then, huh." I hung up after that. I was in tears, I called back to the Dr's office and I talked to them some more come to find out the surgery alone (this is not for the hospital time or stay) is 19K and for them to do the surgery I would have to pay off the collections agency and put a down payment of a substantial amount before the surgery can be done. I went to the state and they have denied me medical help or financial help because once I get the surgery done I can return to work, but according to the Dr's this MIGHT be able to allow me to return to work, there is no guarantee. I have been in and out of the ER several times at the hospital near me and I am about ready to travel up to the major city next to me and go to one of the good hospitals up there and commit myself till I am fixed. I am tired of the headaches, nausea, dizziness and stuff. I feel worthless and not worth anything. There only has been one glimmer of hope for me in this my friend that I was talking to does want to be together with me and he is worried sick about my health right now. He lives in another state atm but he still wants to be there for me. This is wonderful in my eyes but I am still being plagued by my ex, he has left me in debit now and no phone to do anything with, right now it is on a soft off and stuff but that is about it. I helped that SOB out when he was in the halfway house when he was released from prison and what sucks is I still love the jerk. The other thing is he is in therapy because it is part of his probation and ever since then he tells me that he does not believe in love. I have argued about this with him because of the fact that he does have kids and we had son together and my oldest looks to him as a father too. I asked him well if you don't believe in love then what are the kids to you. He said that they were an obligation and he is committed to them there is no love because it is just he HAS to be there for them. This hurt me too. I am a good person and I don't know why the world is crashing down on me but it is. I am not finding a way out of this crashing world, I am fighting the state for insurance to see if I can get it and get the surgery. I want to return to work and quit feeling worthless. I try to stay busy at home but once I start getting sick I have to lay down. So tired of all of this BS it is disgusting.

Thanks for reading....