[Stanley_19802]

Hello Everyone,

I knew it would be hard to go through this time of year again. Last year on July 7th my good friend Sandra died. We were very close. She was much like a mom to me. To lose her was nothing short of aweful. She was the last of 3 people that I concidered family. They were the family I dreamed of having as a child. To find them was amazing. We felt like we had always known each other and had a very tight bond. One by one they died. When Sandra died, I felt alone. Abandoned.

Sandra got sick last April with a sepsis infection. After 3 months of fighting to live she had surgery where they were unable to stop the bleeding. I had just 20 minutes with her to say goodbye when she died at 12:36am on July 7th 2011. It wasn't long enough. I didn't even make it to the car before falling apart. And don't even remember driving home. I just remember this intense pain. Like my intestines being ripped from my stomach. I don't even have words to describe the pain.

The 4th of July brings back all the memories and emotions of this time. She was in the hospital. I was supposed to go up and see the fireworks with her as she could see them from her hospital room. But I was so tired I overslept and missed spending that time with her. Had I know there wouldn't be any more 4th of July's to spend with her, I never would have went home for a nap that day. I tapped the Macy's firework show on DVD because she was supposed to be back home in a few weeks and I thought we would be able to watch it together then. But that didn't happen.

Today I woke up at 10pm with the sounds of fireworks in the distance from the firework show me and Sandra were supposed to watch last year. I burst into tears. It hurts. I have contact with her being a medium and all, but it's not the same. I can't hug a spirit. I can't hold her hand. I no longer can have her back rubs that used to help relieve the pain from my spinal injury. She just had a way of relaxing the pain. I miss cooking her dinner or just going for a drive. Just spending time. I miss all this with all my 3 friends. But most lately I miss doing these things and others with Sandra.

As the 7th gets one day closer the pain in my stomach continues to get worse. I don't think I can do this again. I will be honest, I have strong urges to die to be able to be with her and my other 2 friends again. I don't like being here alone. I met someone in New York, but I don't know if we will ever be able to be together. Her parents have a strong hold over her and said over their dead body would they let her come to me in California. I don't know how intent they are to live up to that, but after coming up on a year of being alone, I can't take it. I miss my family, my 3 friends who made me feel complete. I want that back.

I have much anger as well. I spent my childhood alone being severly abused. My parents hurt me, my family hurt me, school staff and bullies hurt me and the staff at the psychiatric hospitals my mom had me sent to as punishments hurt me too. I remember curling up into a ball as my dad beat me on my back waiting for him to get tired and walk away. I remember the panic attacks each day before the school bus arrived wondering if today the staff would again attack me, and what that abuse would be today.

I remember being afraid to do anything to piss off my mom to make her call the children's psychiatric hospital and again lie saying I was suicidal and had just tried to take my life so they would come and get me. I remember being strapped to the bed in the ambulance and taken to the psych ward no questions asked. I remember the panic attacks each day there wondering which staff would find a reason to hurt me again. Being terrified of being locked in the near pitch black low 60 degree solitary room all night again. All of this, alone.

Then I found my dream family at age 21. I moved from California to New York to be with them. Then they began dying. Pam who was like a mom to me died when I was 24 of a heart attack. Then DJ who was like a big brother to me died when I was 28 when his lungs failed due to cystic fibrosis. Then Sandra who died when I was 31 from bleeding to death after surgery leaving me alone once again. Why so little happyness after so many years of pain? I miss them. I miss the unconditional love they showed me. I want to be back with them again. And thus is why I feel suicidal tonight. I don't know what I am going to do. I just know I can't stand the coming of July 7th again. Thanks for listening everyone.

-Stanley

[lynn09]

Hello, Stanley. So sorry for the losses you have suffered and that you are feeling so abandoned and alone right now. First and foremost, if you feel that doing yourself harm is probable, please call your primary care physician, psychiatrist, and/or therapist right away and let them know, then call 911. This way your caregivers can advocate for you if you have to go to the hospital which may make for a better experience. The most important thing is for you to stay safe and receive the support you need during this trying and painful period.

That being said, the best thing you can do at this point is try to shift your perspective - look at your situation from a different point of view - a different mindset. Each of us determines what meanings we assign to various events in our lives, and each of us has the power to choose whether the values we assign to them are positive or negative. For most of us abuse survivors, shifting our perspectives to the positive is difficult because there has been SO much negative in our lives; however, this is precisely what we must learn to do in order not only to survive, but to be able to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives.

You have had 3 wonderful, loving friends (the "family" we choose for ourselves) who loved and genuinely cared about you, and helped you learn to value yourself - and that is something that all too many abuse survivors never experience in their lives. It is absolutely heart-wrenching that you have had to suffer the pain of such tremendous loss which I know is magnified all the more by the loss of your childhood due to abuse. Nevertheless, the death of loved ones is part of this mortal life; but it is how we choose to value and use such experiences that either makes or breaks us. This is where that shift in perspective comes in.

Although it is absolutely necessary for us to grieve such losses, focusing solely on what we have lost keeps us bound to mourning and death. At some point, those of us who are left behind must honor life by returning to it and fully participating in it. Your friends' lives were about more than than their passing. You could make July 7th each year the day that you commemorate and celebrate your friends' lives - a time to be thankful that you had such loving people in your life who taught you what it means to be loving and loved. You could make that July 7th anniversary the day that you remind yourself that your friends passed the torch to you for you to carry and pass on for them.

Because of your relationships with your friends, you are equipped with compassion, empathy, knowledge, and wisdom that you would not have otherwise, and which you now can share with others just as your friends shared with you. There are so many who are suffering - feeling abandoned and alone - so many who have never experienced what you have. Your loving friends gave you such a precious gift freely and unconditionally - a gift of love and healing that you now can pass on to the family you will create for yourself through all the years of your life - their and your legacy that will live on and on long after you are gone.

With each and every thought, attitude, word, and action, we bring our positive or negative wills and intentions into a state of being in this physical realm helping to create the world in which we all must live. I hope you will try to find a way to honor the lives of your friends by sharing your gift; by doing so, you will make the world a little better place for others who are suffering.

I hope you are feeling better soon. lynn09

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Stanley_19802

I miss the unconditional love they showed me.

Yes. Unconditional love -- a blessing to find, a curse to lose.

Stanley_19802, may you find a way or ways to frame the memories of your friends such that those memories strengthen and not weaken you.