[QuestionableChaos]

Well here i am...seeking help at the request of my husband. I guess even if no one replies with anything useful or meaningful at least I get to vent it all right?

I'll start out with a little bit about myself and my history...

I'm 25 years old. it doesn't seem like it at times but it is true. I've lived an interestingly odd live so far.

Had a pill head step father who beat me (well, he did try to beat and throw around my siblings too but as the oldest I took it all for them), and a mother who used shopping to ignore it all. My birth father never gave a ****. So usually I was home hoping my "real family" would whisk me away to some fairy tale land so I could live happily ever after. That didn't happen. Around age nine I decided that it was all my fault and began taking it out on myself in the form of self harm. It started out with just throwing myself or more likely my head into walls and pulling locks of hair out. Eventually that wasn't enough and I started cutting. Still to this day few know about my cutting. I've always done it in places that only my husband sees.

Around twelve my childhood home burned down to the ground leaving little more then scrap metal and ashes. Mom thought it the perfect chance to get us out of the city and move to nowhere kentucky. There I went through hell as the outcast of outcasts for one reason or another, be it religious differences to whom I chose to love. A few suicide attempts and a couple months in institutions went by. Graduation day came and I moved the **** away from it all. This is when I first started to notice my depression getting uncontrollable, it's also when I had my first full blown anxiety attack.

Fast forwarding....

At twenty-one I almost got my wish of death. I didn't even have to do anything. I was "informed" by an ex that since I refused to go back to him, and chose to stay with my now hubby, that I could deal with herpies by myself. Yea, that's the exact way I found out that I had contracted it. Douche didn't even have the balls to tell me before anything had ever happened. I got tested immediately, as well as hubby and we both found out at the same time we have it. About a week after that I got an abnormal pap come back and found out that I could have cervical cancer. The doc told me that if it was cancer my body wasn't strong enough for any kind of treatment other then fully gutting me or just wait for the end. This is one of two events I've linked the serious spiral down with my depression.

Needless to say, it wasn't cancer. It was detected early enough, but got really close.

Hubby and I grew closer together. We stopped using protection because well, neither he nor I had any want or need to find anyone else. Years after, just two years ago from now, I had a miscarriage. I was bed ridden for a week bleeding and lost the child we didn't even know about. I've yet to forgive myself for it and even though I know there's nothing that could have been done, I still grieve for it. Event two.

Last summer Hubby went to trucking school to obtain his CDLs and now drives over the road six out of seven days a week. When he went out of state to school I had friends who stayed with me here at the house to keep me company. Now just a year later We're married and I no longer have friends around.

My husband is a very odd individual. Most people can't tolerate his "lack of off switch". You know, that filter in the back of your head that tells you that you probably shouldn't say something, yea, he doesn't have one. He's constantly crude, rude, and very in your face. What one person sees as a monster, I see as my best friend. Most of the "friends" I thought I had blame him as their reason for no longer being around. Everyone else, well just disappeared without a word. No one even answers my calls anymore.

Lately things have hit an all time low. I'm slowly killing myself with worry, doubt and self loathing. I do want to be better. I want to be happy again. But it's to the point where I'm not sure I even know what makes me happy anymore. Hell it's a battle just to make myself get out of bed long enough to do the dishes or feed the girls (our two cats).

Nathan doesn't quite understand. To him I should be happy. He blames himself for it all. Like when I cried our wedding night. Really I don't think it's him. There's something wrong and antidepressants and ******** pills just don't work. I've tried.

So he asked me to find people who understand what i'm going through. I found this forum. I've read the success stories. They're all wonderful. I wish something like that for myself, because at this point I'm terrified I'm going to rip my marriage apart in my depression.

[Suki22]

thank you for sharing your story. you've been through a lot and I'm glad you found PC. do you have a therapist? it's possible to have a therapist that won't want you on meds. also, really, how many meds have you tried? sometimes it takes a long, long time to find the right combo but when you do, it can make a world of difference. if you can hardly get out of bed that seems like a sign that meds might be a good option (even if you think they are b.s.).

is it possible for you to find friends and not have them around your husband? he seems to be gone a lot so it shouldn't be hard to find someone to hang out with.

hugs to you. and welcome!

[roads]

Hello, QuestionableChaos, welcome to PsychCentral.

I sure hope you come back and check on us--I'm afraid with the 4th of July your post didn't get the notice it deserved.

I was diagnosed as depressed at age 8--and went downhill generally from there. Suicide attempts from then into my fifties!! Thing was, I was actually bipolar ... so I'd been treated for the wrong thing all those years. I'm soooo much better now that I'm being treated for what's wrong with me !

It's totally awesome that your hubby sent you to find somewhere like this. I hope you come back and find this. This site is a good one for support and online friendship. There are people here going through what you are. Please join us. You've done a wonderful job introducing yourself, now just keep coming back.

Roadie

[Leed]

O bless your heart. You've been thru hell and back. And just reading your post, I can tell you're depressed. You made the statement that your husband is "always right." What's that about? Is he emotionally abusive to you at all? You said he's crude,rude and in your face to others -- is he that way to you?

Are you in therapy? If not, it would be a good idea if you were! A therapist would be good at getting to the things that are really bothering you, and delving into the past to work on those issues that are probably having an effect on you now.
What is making things so miserable now? You said that now you are at an all time low. Do you know why? Can you talk a little more about it?

Your husband sounds like part of the problem. What do you think? Hugs, Lee

[QuestionableChaos]

Thank you for the warm welcomes.

I say hubby is usually right because, well, after six years time has shown he usually knows what he's talking about. I guess it's more of a joke then anything. And no, he's not abusive to me. Nathan has ADD/ADHD and a few behavior disorders. To me he's an absolute teddy bear! He's got the biggest heart and though we've had our words I know without a doubt that he'd never harm me in any way. So of course it frustrates me when others don't see/don't get to see his gooier side.

As far as Nathan being part of the problem, he's not perfect. I know that, and he knows that. But right now he's all that I have and I know I lean on him heavily for support while going through all of this. He's the reason I want to feel better. I know it sounds ****ed up, but I can't stand myself. I hate myself so much that there's no reason to feel better because I want it. I have to do it for him. He's my reason to find help. He's also the one cheering for me and holding me when I fall.

I'm not currently seeing a therapist. I've seen a few councilors but all in all I tend to have very bad experiences with them. As soon as my family doctor crap is straightened out I've promised hubby I'd find another one.

The problem with the medicine is one counters another with my depression and anxiety. Antidepressants make me extremely aggressive while things for my nerves overdose my body and make me freak out. Id much rather just say no to pills and what not and do this the old natural way.

And don't worry, I've bookmarked this site. I plan on coming back. Thank you guys ^.^

[NYCDoglvr]

You have really had a very tough time. Your first priority must be to help yourself and I strongly recommend a psychiatrist. I wouldn't be alive without mine and the meds he prescribes. Depression is a very scary disease that is largely bio-chemical; medication and therapy work wonders. After your moods are stable you can begin making decisions about the rest of your life. But you honestly can climb out of this dark hole.

What I call "depression think" is the self-hatred we direct towards ourselves. Mine lifted one morning when the meds kicked it. It was so upsetting to realized all the time I wanted to be dead and tried to kill myself.