[justmom]

I feel like I have ruined my life. How's that for putting it all in a nutshell?

I am not sure how to break my issues into specific forums since they seem to be so tightly bound together - they feed off each other.

Anyway - as far as the depression goes, I've known I had problems for a long time and probably should have sought therapy at least 20 years ago. About 6 years ago my gyn put me on Zoloft and it helped somewhat but I knew it still wasn't really enough. I ignored it and told myself I had nothing to be depressed about. So many people have real problems and mine sound so trivial.

Can I back up and give a little background?

I didn't have many friends in school which, I guess, contributed to the fact that I hated it and couldn't get out fast enough. I did barely enough to get by (which I regret and doesn't help my depression) Never considered going to college since I didn't feel smart enough and I hated high school so why would I subject myself more school if I didn't have to?
I got married, had kids. Love being a mom - it is all I ever really wanted to do. Something I knew I could do well. I think I did a good job. All three of my kids graduated from college - my best accomplishment. They have all moved on to their own lives now and I am an unemployed mom.

Three years ago we moved to a new city. (up until this point, we still had two of our grown sons living with us so this was a sudden empty nest thing too) My husband had a chance at a great job - he loves it. We are total opposites - he is outgoing and friendly, I'm shy and reserved. Anyway - I had a part-time job before we moved but it was a small specialty shop which really doesn't give me a lot of experience for anything so I never looked for a job after we moved here. I have no skills. My computer skills consist of reading my email and shopping. Because of financial issues it has become apparent that I have to get some kind of job and this has thrown my depression (and anxiety) into overdrive.

While I can never, ever regret the time I spent raising my boys, I am totally embarrassed by my lack of education and skills. I'm 50 years old, too old to even think about starting college. I'm not stupid, but certainly not smart enough to get into college and even if I were, we can't afford it (make too much for assistance and too much debt to take on more) Not to mention the time involved or the fact that I would have no idea what to go to college for.

I am starting a part-time job in retail this weekend and the thought of it makes me even more depressed. I don't know exactly what I want to do, but I can tell you that retail is NOT IT. I'm not qualified for anything else and not even sure I can do this.

I feel like I am rambling and my first instinct is to delete this and not post it, but if I don't at least try to start a conversation I will never know if I am as totally alone as I feel. Time to find out.

ps - how do you make the spell-check thing work if you don't use internet explorer. told ya I have no computer skills!

[regretful]

I can answer your PS fairly easily...Copy your post by highlighting all the text, and then paste the document into your word processing program (Word), then spell check it there...but really, I have not found many posts where people reply with nastiness to spelling errors...

I'm sure you did a great job as a mom. College grads and on to their own lives - be proud!

Don't be embarassed about your lack of education and skills. See if there are any employment training courses available through your community. Often there are programs that will help to train folks to join the work force. And if retail is not for you, then don't do it. Aren't there any small specialty shops where you are now living? I would bet that reliability and a willingness to work would give you a leg up on the competition at a lot of potential employers.

It's a tough spot to be in looking for work, especially in this economy. By the way, you are certainly smrt enough to get into college. Believe me; I used to review graduate school admissions essays. Your post above is written better than many of those essays that I reviewed...

Keep your search going. When you start the retail job, you will have even more incentive to find something that you enjoy doing. I am glad that you started this conversation. Best wishes to you.

[Leed]

Hi Justmom and welcome! You did a wonderful job raising your boys if they're all college grads! Congrats on that! What an accomplishment! Give yourself a pat on the back for that -- in this day and age, that's a darn good record!

Is there a Jr. College anywhere near you? I thought perhaps you could take some classes there, and get an Assoc. Degree in something you're interested in, whether it be computer sciences or ??? But there, you can take evening classes after work and that would be much easier, plus it MIGHT be easier to get into a JR. college too. I'm not sure. If you did want to go to a 4 yr college, I'm sure there are grants, etc., available and like Regretful said, you are extremely well spoken and your spelling is great, so your admissions essay would be a snap! LOL There are so many people who cannot spell or don't understand 'grammar because they just don't TEACH it anymore, which is ridiculous!!

Anyway, I wish you the very best. Please take care and keep us posted, ok? Hugs, Lee

[justmom]

Thanks regretful - I knew I could do the copy past thing, I was looking for a shortcut.
I am proud of my boys - it is the only part of my life I AM proud of.

There are some small specialty shops around here but they aren't hiring - that was the first thing I tried. I am also limited by other issues - anxiety and agoraphobia for starters. I'm working on both, but they keep me from venturing too far from home. We live just outside one of the largest cities with the worst traffic in the states. The freeways terrify me. (It took me months just to go to the mall and it isn't even near the freeway!)
Thank you so much for your kind words.

[justmom]

Leed,
Thank you. I wanted my boys to be better than me and I am proud to say they are.
There is a college (not a Jr. College) not too far from here but I'm not sure I could get in. I'm sure there has to be some kind of admissions test since I have no college background and I have been out of high school for 30+ years. I have no idea how to even write an essay! I don't feel well-spoken and I rely heavily on spell check - sometimes I can't even get close enough for spell check to figure out what I want to spell! (though I do spell better than I type!) My grammar skills are terribly rusty!
I'm thinking about getting a GED study guide just to see how poor my skills are and to see if I can improve them any. I thought it might at least be a place to start.
Part of the problem is that I don't know what I want to do, and if I think of something I might like the voice in my head screams 'you will never be able to do that'
Self-doubt is a terrible thing to live with.

[alone in the world]

IN a nut shell, I know the doubt about going back to school anf how to make it work, I did have some past experiene in college but one day 7 years ago I deceided I wanted to be more than just a babysitter so I took the leap and applied to a university and got in, big surprized because I to doubted my ability, took me a while because I am a single parent and had to work along side of school, but I did it. now I am unemplpoyed due to my symptoms and like you have gotten joy seeing my to oldests achieve their goes one even made it to med school. Now that I have my bachelors and the econmoy sucks my degree is worth nothing so I find myself again at that place where I need to go back and acquire a masters, boy that scares me. at 51 do I even have what it takes to compete with these younger kids. I doubt myself alot, but I still have one kid home and I need to support her and teach her the importance of education so I am going to have to just bit the bullet and apply, will crumble if I don't make it but at last I gave it a try. My suggestion to you is make your children proud and take that first step and see what the jr colleges can offer and then you can figure out what you want to do later. remember it's your life and you got a long one left. try just taking one class in the begining while you figure out how to balance it with a job that is not retail, look for something that represents you.

[justmom]

Thanks, alone in the world (I feel that way too!) Right now I don't feel capable of taking even one class. I'm supposed to start working sometime this weekend (apparently they don't believe in a lot of advance notice - I got the call for the second interview at 9pm the day before) Anyway - because of financial issues I don't have any choice but to at least try the job. Baby steps.

[justmom]

Thanks for all the comments. I'm still trying to get the hang of this forum thing and sharing my feelings. They have been kept bottled up for so long it is hard to let them out.