[Zachsfunk49]

To start out this conversation, I will descibe myself, and this will probwbly start out into a rant sorry about that. I am a natural 18 year old male, I guess. Just graduated highschool. Live in a life filled with hatred, from both sides of my family. I am a little underweight for my age I guess you could say. Just a but shy over 110 pounds. I have a job, well if you could call it a job. I work for a "landscaper", in reality I really actually work for a cracker, pardon the slur, I am a white kid. What can I say.

Okay now I will describe my problems, not to say that im narccisistic in anyway, or selfish. I m not trying to be, just cannot afford a pyschaiatrist, or muster the courage to ask for help in my family. So I was a normal kid all the way up into 7th grade, or the start of middle school. Had friends not to say alot but enough for me. I played sports at the local REC, baseball, soccer the such. Then in middle school it all went crashing down. Before middle school I was a very intelligent person, some of my teachers even said I read at a 10th grade level while I was only in 5th or 6th grade. Also i was very intelligent in mathematics and science. I was able to pay attention when most kids were not able to since their age. All that changed in middle school, nearly flipped 180 degrees. Now i was the kid who was unsble to pay attention. Even though I got relativly good grades, I felt as though I was not retaining the information as most other kids were. Also I was losing friends at a rapid pace, because they went in to the sports crowd or the "modern" crowd. During middle school my parents went through a nasty divorce, and i felt the brunt of it because thats the person I am, the kind of person who has to know the whole situation, nosey I guess. That progressed into highschool, more depression. By the time I reched highschool I had joined the school band program, which needless to say was probably the cause of all of this, maybe not I dont know. Basically in it you had the option of going into highschool band under the same director, from middle school. So I chose thwt because they jazzed it up saying you will be the only people in your class you will have friends ***** are upperclassmen who will look after you. Thinkking that this was my way to the success of highschool, I was in disarray. It was not, since I had a troubled middleschool I had a hard time fitting in, even in the program I had been a member in for nearly three years by now. In hs band, pardon then abbrv. Well in this hs band, the director was so called out, "extended family". We could look up to him for problem sdvice and the such. Well this created a power vaccum, I was left out, because nearly all the members sought his hand, basically he picked favorites, and I was left out again in life. So i quit junior year, because I was tired of being left out, also in this program nearly everyone dated each other which is disturbing, because we were all extended family, I thought it was disgusting, another reason to run. By this time it was hard for me to pay attention at all, and I was starting to have a hard time remember things, maybe a side affect of depression or other various mental health issues. I had a few friends, only A couple close ones. And of the friends I had all were gamers, i got into the gaming community. I found that ga ing helped relieve my anxiety and depression to an extent. I tryed getting into the advanced classes like i was able to somewhat in middle school and elementary school, try to challenge myself. It didnt work, I just wound up getting so angry, because I wasn't able to concentrate to get homework done, or that i wasnt able to concentrate on tests that i just gave up, didnt take any hard lasses on senior year. Also I found out that I liked dealing with computers, so i enrolled in various computer repair, and needless to say i failed miserably in that field. When i graduated i felt lost, miserable, and behind everyone, because i put off college, didnt even look at colleges. Mostly because i knew i would fail at that because i have failed everything else in my life: boy scouts, quit three quarters of the way to completion, band, parents divorce, absolutly no girl influence in my life, no gfs hell havent even talked to a girl passionetly since elementary school, like in a friendly way, and in higschool, couldnt even have enough couarge to talk to one. So here i am, depressed, alone, behind in life, and my coworkers do not like me. Because im also behond physically, barely can pickup 100 pounds.

So does anyone have advice for me? Not that im asking, or anything, just want some answers As to why my life has turned out to be a pit that digs itself deeper as i try to make good of it...

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Zachsfunk49!

Originally Posted by Zachsfunk49

Then in middle school it all went crashing down. ... During middle school my parents went through a nasty divorce...

I'm no expert, but that's one of the first things I'd investigate. The onset of adolescence combined with a nasty life event could trigger a mood disorder like depression in some people. Only a professional can determine what's up in your individual case.

You've suffered for a long time. Look through information on depression, dysthymia, ADD, etc. Situation permitting, take advantage of counseling, even vocational counseling.

And please keep posting!

[righteous]

hey guy! well you've had it rough but thats all gonna change...First off your a light to others in this world, they see what you stand for! All your emotions or your physical actions speeks wonders to them. Because your in the image of the ultimate being you shine. Moreover you black out too. this is a small realization yet you are still breathing and thinking. Like sleeping. have you ever heard of someone blacking out? well we all do only some of us realize it. When this happens just think and be. OK just "think and be"!!!! Keep people in good graces and in your heart! Don't give up! No matter what! K the cure to Anxiety is first to realize your anxious then pause and think what made you anxious this may come as a shock or maby very little thought/idea at ALL. Now after this realize you can or CANNOT over come the problem...(most times you can't) Then be FINE with IT! OK! Now yOu Can UsE thE anxiety to YouR wiLL you can use all that energy to do what you want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um you must live your life and you must feed yourself IE: food and drink. When you have an idea follow through with it maby not right now or in the next 5 minutes but you can later. Breath...Breath that is the most important part of life...didja know that when you breath in your exhaling first. WHENEVER YOU INHALE!!! not many know that fact it also means your understanding whats going on around your to you that very moment only MOsT people just blow off that fact. USE it to your advantage. And Take charge! GOOD lUCK -JOE