[mud_blood]

This may not be the right forum for this and if not, feel free to move it...

This is the story of my depression and my self injury. My journey down the path of SI began when I was 15yo, my dad passed away unexpectedly and I went into a tailspin of emotions. I hit the bottom and wanted to die, I was so angry at the world and slit my wrists, not deep enough to do any harm but enough to bleed. For the first time in months I felt the relief that I had been looking for. I never fully recovered from my depression but I got very good at putting on my 'happy face' and going through the motions of being alive.

Fast forward 2 years...the girl that I was dating at the time of my dads passing, my best friend in the whole world, came to me one day saying that she had something very important to tell me. What she had to tell me was that she was pregnant and that the baby was mine! Needless to say I was shocked, scared, happy...you know, the normal emotions that come with news like this. I was very excited because I was finally going to fill the void left by my father but it was short lived because shortly after 'my' baby girl was born I was served an EPO and told to stay away from them because the baby was not mine! I was again sent into another tailspin because I had bonded so deeply with the baby. More depressed than ever, my SI kicked into overdrive and I tried on more than a few occassions to kill myself.

I moved on after a while and met another woman that accepted me as I was, she knew about my past, baby and all, but she was willing to 'give me a shot'. I married that wonderful woman and we are still married 19 years later and have 2 wonderful children and 1 granddaughter. My wife has been my anchor through the years, through all of my ups and downs. never forgot about my 'first born' and even watched her grow up, albeit from a distance. She never knew me and was even given the other man's last name. Her mother finally took her away from here when she was 12, I was devestated because I thought I would never see her again.

Fast forward another 21 years...I get a phone call that the girl, now a young woman, had moved back to town with her new husband and was expecting a baby. I was absolutely eccstatic because I felt that I had been given a second chance with her. I found her on facebook and sent her a friend request which she accepted because I was one of her mothers friends. I battled with telling her or not for quite some time and then just as I was about to tell her marriage fell apart so I kept quiet and just tried to be a supportive 'friend'. Another year or so passed before I(my wife actually) told her one day over lunch at Applebee's that I may or may not be her father. She took the news rather well and said that she had kind of had suspicions herself about it because her and I are so much alike. We had a paternity test done and, after 23 years, I found out that she was indeed my daughter. I haven't been as happy as I was that day in a very long time.

5 months have passed and I'm not sure where I stand with her, I'm trying not to push her away but she seems to be moving away from me once again. She doesn't talk to me nearly as much as she did in the beginning and I haven't seen my grandson in over a month. I am so afraid of losing her again and I am an emotional wreck, I am sinking further into depression and to take my mind off of the pain I have started SI'ing again after not doing it in almost 10 years! I am losing control of my life and I have no idea if I will be able to regain it again...