[kazine]

Background info here.

TW: Talk of abuse, suicidality, self harm.

I'm just so freaking miserable because I think I've just come out of denial recently that, even though it's not my boyfriends fault that his alters are abusive, I cannot put up with it. Ever since beginning to suspect that his alters are abusing my pets I just want to either get away from him or put the relationship on hold until he's been through therapy.

But I can't. Because we're going to Austria on the 10th and it's work experience and we can't back out of it so I have to go with him. So I have to hide these feelings of wanting to confront him because I know if I find out that his alters have still been abusing my pets I will tell him to do one immediately and that trip is going to be awkward... Especially if we have to share a room which I'm not sure if we do or not.

I just want these three weeks to be over. Ever since suspecting the alters are abusing my pets again my mood has just gone down and down and down to the point where I'm drinking to make myself feel better and wanting to self harm and feeling that I just wish I was dead.

Please let these three weeks hurry past. I don't know if I can continue acting like everything is fine.

Worst thing yet is the one person I felt comfortable telling anything to doesn't talk to me anymore. He got sick of me. I'd tell him everything from the age of 14 and then less than a year ago he just stopped talking to me he just lost interest in me and other than my boyfriend I have no one to talk to. It's pathetic. I tried talking to another one of my friends yesterday but it just isn't the same. And even though he's ignored my emails trying to get him to talk to me before I just texted him telling him that I was freaking out and he is still the only person I feel comfortable talking to. Pathetic. And he's probably gonna ignore it and that'll make me feel worse.

I can't stop crying.

Edit: he did actually reply and try to help, but his attitude just showed that he really couldn't give a **** but was too nice to ignore me when I was completely freaking out.

Kaz x