[onionknight]

From other threads, you might know that I have been diagnosised with reoccurent depression because quite honestly, I have had multiple episodes of depression in my life. For the past five months, I have felt bad, starting with increased periods of irritation and anger, then pessimism took over. I stopped doing things that were exciting for me because they no longer held the same enjoyment, I became anxious very easily, I'd feel useless and hopeless, not want to engage with the world, felt doomed and alienated, worried about far-fetched things to a crippling extent, felt disconnected from my own emotions/ life, extreme apathy. That's fairly normal for depression in general.

It isn't that normal for my experience of depression. For me depression has previously manifested as rumination, lack of will to focus, not a complete inability to concentrate, my mind would wander easily, I'd feel empty, but I would feel. Now I don't feel, any emotion or pleasure or concern or passion, at all.

I took Zoloft for the depression a few months ago when it wouldn't shake with anything else; it helped somewhat, but it made me flat. I didn't regain my pleasure and joy, love or concern. I still would find myself reading the wrong word. Actually I think Zoloft made my mind feel overstimulated--like any thought that had a strong strong emotion tied to to it would cause like a spasm in my brain, not an emotion. When reading, it is like my mind skips over words because it is moving faster than I can focus on individual words. I can no longer experience the intricacies of the world.

I don't know what the is actual symptom and what is a side effect. I wonder if this is another episode or something else. I've also started getting bad headache this past few months, after never having headaches. I feel like my whole personality has changed. It's been almost six months; there's only so much I can. I feel as if my mind is breaking apart...

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by onionknight

I don't know what the is actual symptom and what is a side effect.

That's so me.

Originally Posted by onionknight

I've also started getting bad headache this past few months, after never having headaches.

If you haven't already, let your doctor(s) know about this ASAP.

Sometimes when doctors diagnose you with depression, they tend to see all your symptoms as manifestations of the depression. But suffering from depression does not mean you are immune to other diseases and disorders. Something else with similar symptoms can hide behind depression.

I hope nothing else is wrong with you, but getting a full medical screening is advisable.

[onionknight]

I try to stay on top of my physical health, working-out, being aware of what pills I'm taking for medical conditions (I have asthma and pcos, so screwy hormone levels, which complicate emotional health), taking a multi-vitamin and B-12 and Omega-3 supps.

Medical screening haven't really shown anything new, so I think it is just the same, old issues flaring up again. I'm starting therapy tomorrow (actually have two appointments with different doctors, and I'm going to see who I think can help more), and I also have a psychiatrist appointment. She'll want to get me on another antidepressant, which I personally do not want for myself. I might take the prescription and just not take the meds. I just stopped taking Zoloft a week ago, and I want to know what I will feel like without any meds. And I certainly don't want to take drugs forever, which she suggests. We'll see...

It takes a conscious effort to feel better. Part of me has been avoiding that, even as I mourned the loss of "feeling normal."