[jmeva]

I'm hoping to get some advice about where I start with getting support. I think I've finally come to the realization that I've been depressed for a number of years now. I've just been waiting it get better on its own and hoping the sadness will dissipate when new life opportunities arise, but I just seem to get worse as more time passes. I'm a 24 year old female. I can't remember a time that I haven't felt helpless, pathetic, useless, etc.. even back to when I was little. I didn't have a bad childhood, and I don't have a reason to feel so horrible all the time. I have a stable job, a close family, a handful of good friends.

I have bad days and I have ok days, but never really any good days. I have a few days a month where I just break down, for no good reason. Just, that awful feeling in your gut and your throat, where all you want to do is cry. I don't want to see anyone and anyone who crosses my path suffers because of it. I get so irritable and anxious and I know it's best on these days to stay to myself so I'm not rude or short to innocent people around me.

I constantly feel stressed and overwhelmed.. mostly because I can't 'make' myself do the things I'm supposed to be doing.. A lot of days I just can't get out of bed, even if I know I'm supposed to be doing something like going to work, meeting up with a friend, etc. I ignore people's calls when I've made plans, for no good reason. I put off paying bills even though I have the money, and I don't really know why. I procrastinate so much and I feel like I have all this weight on my shoulders because of it. There just feels like there's so much I need to do, and I'd rather just not do it. I make excuses, like I don't have time or I'm too busy.. but really I know I could be doing those things if I really wanted to. I just can't seem to give any one thing enough attention to get something done. I can't focus on one thing for too long, it's like I don't even want to (even if I know I need to).

I have a lot of emotions most days but I have a hard time feeling them for other people. There are people I love. I love a lot of things. But I always put myself first (example, ignoring calls from friends and family, even if I know they need me to be there for them). I feel like I'm always too busy feeling sorry for myself to feel much for anyone else. I don't like it. It makes me feel like a horrible, selfish person and that's not who I want to be. But I can't seem to change myself.

I care way too much about what other people think about me. I know I do, but I can't seem to stop. If I suspect one person, however a small part of my life they may be, thinks even one thing negative about me, it crushes me. I crave approval although I really do nothing to earn it.

I've never told anyone these things. I've kept a journal for ten years, and every entry is just me spilling emotions and feeling sorry for myself. That's the only venting I've done. I feel like I'm drowning in this stuff most days. Constantly feeling helpless and hopeless. I have thought about suicide a lot, although I only tried (and failed obviously) once when I was 18. At this point of my life I don't think I could ever go through with it, I wouldn't want to hurt my parents, but I do wish I was dead.

I need help with all of this. I don't really know where to start. I have never said these things out loud, and I'm not sure if I could to a complete stranger (therapist). My parents had me see a therapist when I was around 15, and I couldn't talk to her. I wouldn't say a single word. Where do I start? How do you start? I feel ignorant for feeling so bad about my life, when I KNOW others have it much, much worse. I feel trivial and embarrassed for even complaining. How do you tell someone you don't know things like this and expect empathy and understanding, when they've undoubtedly heard far worse stories from people who deserve/need help much more than I do?

I have health insurance. Without giving her details, my HR rep did tell me that I did not have to be referred to a specialist by a regular doctor (I didn't specify which kind of specialist I needed to see). Do you just open the phone book and call an office and request an appointment? Is medication always the answer? I really just want to know what it's like to feel happy, to feel normal. I don't want to cover up all my emotions away with pills.