[Rachel.i]

I haven't even introduced myself or talked about my problems on this thread because I was still thinking about what to say. But yesterday, I got a little bump for my depression. My grown daughter had been using my computer recently and left herself logged into chat. I tried to log her out but it didn't work, so I looked more closely to see what I was doing wrong, and saw she had been talking with her boyfriend, whom she is currently arguing with.

I know I shouldn't have, but I scrolled a little and saw the word "mom." I read that she had asked him what the f*** was so funny, in reference to something he'd just said, and he replied "Your mom." No, he wasn't being complimentary. And my daughter said nothing, which means I guess they both think I'm some kind of joke, and that really hurts.

I also have prior reasons to think this is true even though I didn't want to believe it.

I was pretty severely abused emotionally and verbally by a parent and had a hard time while growing up. Though I was far from the perfect parent, I did not pass it on. Yes, I struggle with depression and I don't get nearly as much done as I should, sometimes nothing at all, I don't have a job, my house needs work, I need to get rid of clutter, etc.

But I don't think my daughter, or her boyfriend, realize a lot of things. I did not have the advantages she did, and still does. The parent I'm speaking of is still alive and still abusive and mean as ever to me, even though I go around for my other parent's sake, and my daughter has seen this with her own eyes. The difference is I am not living under someone's nearly non-existent mercy or hateful whims anymore.

I guess I'm partly venting, but it was hurtful. Of course I felt like texting her or confronting her but I didn't and still don't know if I should even mention it. Part of me says to just let it go or I'll be letting my child control me, and set myself back in any progress if I dwell on it, and another part of me says how dare they be so arrogant and judgmental. That they haven't walked in my shoes, and can't know what it's like... they are not real young either, close to 30.

[missbelle]

Let it go...they are both stupid for even saying that stuff. They need to grow up in their thinking. Do not let this stupid comment hurt you personally....and why is she on the computer anyway...let her get her own!!!...and if she is living at home with this attitude its time for her to go and meet the real world. You have to take care of you!

[whimsygirl]

Hi Rachel.....First of all, thank you for posting. Your story is heartbreaking, both for what you have gone through in the past, and now this. I wish I could say something that might make you feel better, but I'm not sure what that might be. The only thing that really comes to my mind is the possibility of talking to some kind of counselor ~therapist to possibly get some input and if nothing else to get a bit of perspective on where you might go from here. Of course it's just my opinion, but I'd be kind of worried that with you being in a vulnerable place (if I'm understanding correctly), confronting your daughter when you're hurting might end up causing more pain. Sending hugs and warm wishes ~whimsy

[Leed]

Hi Rachel ~ I have to agree that it would be best not to confront your daughter, no matter how much you may want to. She'll know you read her posts, and will never trust you again, and that will ruin your relationship.

BUT -- at her age, she OUGHT to be out of the house! Why is she still living there? Why can't she move in with her boyfriend? DoesN'T he have a job? Why not? Does she have a job? If not, why? I know they're hard to find, but no one can be choosy these days.

Tell her to get off her duff and go to work, and leave your computer alone and get her own. It's time she was out looking for work anyway! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Rachel.i]

Thanks, missbelle. I do think their thinking, while responsible with work and other things, can also be pretty immature. She was on my computer because she was staying here briefly while she decided if she was going to leave him, after several years living together (she did). Her and a friend just got their own place. I am glad she did, and pretty fast, especially knowing now how I was trying to support whatever decision she made but that they were talking about me like that. Thanks again.

[Rachel.i]

Hi whimsygirl, and thank you. I am already seeing a therapist for my depression. I see her again in a couple weeks. We've been focusing on what I can do to move forward in general. I am going to have to bring this up with her since it has been bothering me and has shaken my already not-so-rock-solid self-esteem somewhat. Thoughts of "Is that how people see me?" "How could she be so mocking about me?" and such sometimes slip in, though I'm trying to let it go. (Maybe I should try to concentrate on it and the thoughts would be less likely to come around!)

I think you are correct that I shouldn't try to confront her while it's still hurting, as I'd probably just make it worse. Or, as the others said, I maybe shouldn't even confront her at all. Thanks again.

[Rachel.i]

Hi Lee, and thank you. I should have mentioned that she lived with her boyfriend for several years, and came to stay at my house for a couple weeks till she decided what she was going to do (she left him and just got an apartment with a friend). Her and her boyfriend both have college educations - we paid for hers - and good jobs.

I think you are probably right that I shouldn't confront her since it wasn't meant for my eyes. But even though I'm the parent and she's the daughter I know I am going to feel stilted around her because I just don't understand the callousness, at least that's how it feels. And I just couldn't disparage my own mother that way. I guess I have to just try to stop thinking about it. Thanks again.