[poorlittlefish]

My whole adult life I've struggled to make friends and dread any kind of group situation, whether with strangers or work colleagues, because I always end up by myself. It's got to the point where I can no longer even think of anything to say during group exercises and if I do say something, it's ignored or dismissed as rubbish. I never had problems while I was at school, but from college onwards I've always been a "Billy-no-mates".

Something I've noticed over the years is that it's always me who'll say hello first and ask people about themselves. They answer, but rarely ask me anything back. If I don't say anything, then they don't say anything. It's happened so often that I now feel it's pointless trying to talk to people when they aren't interested.

I had a session with a business coach recently and brought all this up with her. She said my appearance is "striking," which upset me because I can't do anything about it. I thought she meant striking in an ugly way, but she said the opposite, claiming women are jealous and men are intimidated, which is why neither talks to me. I am 40 years old, so what rubbish! There are some very attractive young women where I work and they are never short of people to talk to, of either sex.

I hate it that every time I'm in a group and there's a coffee or lunch break, people immediately go to talk to others, leaving me sitting alone. I consider myself a smiling, friendly person and have a good rapport when with one person, or a customer, so I can't understand why I'm such a leper in groups. I come home in tears and really don't know what else I can do.

[everything]

So I want to say I"m having the similar trouble with groups, but not exactly the same. I want to try to give you advice, but its just advice, not knowledge.

I feel similarly in groups. I feel alienated and I'm afraid to speak and get really nervous. But I don't go out of my way to greet people like you do. Try being aware of your tone of voice, eye contact, and body language. Are you being vibrant and open?

Some people don't engage others the way you do. They need to feel like you're excited to speak with them and they need to not be nervous. It's possible everyone you work with has troubles speaking, I can't be sure if I'm not there. Your workplace is not a great sample of people, it can be misleading.

I suggest that when your conversation dies you come up with something out of the blue that interests you. Keep it going, build momentum, but try to not feel unnatural. Do you feel unnatural when they answer and you don't answer back? Don't let that happen, then. Or if you do feel natural, accept the way things are.

[InfiniteSadness]

Yeah I feel the same way too- like I don't exist

[michael72]

dont be afraid to butt into ongoing conversation with something like, "yeah but...", "right but...","but... listen to ongoing convo so you can butt in with something useful sounding.

[LucyG]

I feel the same way. I'm fine one-on-one, but if there's 3 or more, I end up being excluded. I've gone out of my way to make friends with people over the years but it hasn't worked. I'm a loner at heart, but would like a few friends, just don't know how to go about making them.

There seems to be an etherial quality about some people where they attract others to themselves like a moth to a flame, and they're the Belle of the ball. Interestingly enough, a lot of these people make no effect to even be nice to everyone that clamours to be their friend.

[everything]

Originally Posted by LucyG

There seems to be an etherial quality about some people where they attract others to themselves like a moth to a flame, and they're the Belle of the ball. Interestingly enough, a lot of these people make no effect to even be nice to everyone that clamours to be their friend.

Perhaps their attitude is this "etheral quality" and they simply are nice to people because this they interact. They don't need to try, it's just who they are.