[Bmee2]

i just want to get this out.
Birthdays have always been hard. Too often felt should not have survived. Anyway, lately have been stressed about the mother passing away and being completely alone. Recently, a mother like person passed away. Upset the first thing was to inform T. T was unavailable. Telephoned Pdoc, left a message. Telephoned only other friend, left a message. Telephoned old T, she was busy talking to a current person. Thus all alone i felt. Two days later all the T's got in touch and apologized for taking so long to return my call. Now this hard anniversary thing is coming up and T is away for a week. Pdoc who knows how hard this day is was unable to see us. The intention was to do all these special things over the weekend. But depression sapped all the energy. Slept most of the weekend.
Oddly, i am embarrassed to post this because...well i am not asking for any assistance. i am just ...i do not know...whining.
Maybe, i am just lonely. i have no more friends that live in my state or city. Yes i am feeling very very very disconnected since the death of my dear dear friend/mother/sister. So perhaps this is grief?
My anxiety about being abandoned has gotten out of control.
Thus i am writing and babbling trying to keep the hands busy. My concentration is poor otherwise i would try to read a book or knit, or draw or something. Instead there is a strong desire to cause physical pain. That is because i am unable to treat or comfort the pain of loss i am feeling i am guessing. okay...no one wants to read a book...least of all me.

[LostMom3]

You aren't whining..You are just venting. Sometimes it just helps to get the word out and expose the bad emotion, then it can slowly slip away. Sorry you are having such a hard time with all of the emotions.

[Leed]

Bless your heart =- I can actually feel your grief and your pain. It's awful to feel abandoned. When my husband died, every single friend we had dumped me -- why?? I have no idea!! I called them and all I got were machines! I left messages, and no one returned my calls. That was 11 years ago and I haven't heard from one of them since. Maybe they don't want a single woman in their "couples only" group, huh?

Abandonment is horrible, and grief is even worse. Plus being depressed on top of that -- you must feel pretty rotten. But don't despair because we're with you 100%. There is ALWAYS someone here that knows what you're going thru and how you feel. There's always someone who needs help too, that YOU might be able to assist. Helping others makes US feel better -- and it might make YOU feell better too. Once we get out of ourselves and into someone else, it makes the depression much easier to bear. In fact, sometimes it even disappears for a time.

You're a very important person -- and you can be of extreme importance here as you know how it feels. When a newcomer comes here, you could really help them big time!!! Since it's so fresh to you, you especially would be the best one to be of help! I hope you'll think about it and see what you can do!!! God bless you and please take care of yourself! I hope we hear more from you! ((((hugs)))) Lee

[Bmee2]

Everyone thank you so much for reading my longer than intended post.
You both made me feel warm and wanted.
And understood.
Thank you very very much.