[ndgirl]

I sit here wondering why I have to feel so sad and alone. I spent several hours with a friend today but the minute she dropped me off it all came back. My heart feels like it filled with lead, my brain screams "why do you keep fighting" and "why are you making everyone around you suffer because you are still here". Sleeping is not positive; I either have terrible nightmares or I don't sleep. Those few times that I have taken my Ambien, I spend the whole night living the nightmares without being able to wake up and stop the insanity. I remember what happiness and "normal" for me feels like and I wish for those moments again. As much as I want to die, I can't because I know I would be letting those down who have been there and fought with me. I just keep wondering when do I just face the facts and just give up. Right now I only have 1 friend that I can say some things to but don't want to burden her because she struggles with this disease herself. Life is not all about me and that is what makes me wonder when do you make the decision to leave and let everyone else live happily ever after.
Sorry for ranting but I just don't know what else to do or say.

[Leed]

Why would you want to "give up?" What would happen if we ALL gave up? We can't let depression get the best of us. We can't let depression take our power. We have to take our power BACK.

We can go to therapy and work like the devil to get better -- to delve into the dark closets of our past. Sure, its scary as I've done it myself and it's not always a pretty sight. But if you want to get better, you have to do it. Once we get thru the worst of it, it's not so bad.

We can take medicatiions to help with the horrible depression -- when the dosage is right, it makes a world of difference and hopefully the side effects are nil. I'm on Cymbalta and I have no side effects whatsoever! If I didn't take an antidepressant, I'd probably take a knife to my throat.

We can go to therapy AND take medications. Doing both those things is a great plus as it helps us get thru the difficult spots without falling into the deep dark pit.

Sweetie, you need to do something. You can't just continue to suffer like this, wishing you could die! The only "fighting" you should be doing is fighting to GET BETTER. Please talk to your doctor hon. We want you around for a very long time. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[everything]

Even in the darkest of times, we can remember what we used to feel like and hold that as a goal. If we used to feel well, we can again and this is what has given me hope through my battle. To realize how we have changed to reach a sad state is to recognize that we can also change to become the person we want to be.

Don't give up. It seems like forever, but someday these will be memories. You will find joy again if you keep yourself moving and keep trying to fulfill yourself.