Looking for a foster home for my soul.

I have just recently starting looking at this site in an attempt to better understand what I am going through and hopefully find others who understand.

I have never been one to label my "issues" such as stating I'm depressed but because I just can't seem to be happy for any length of time, I'm starting to think that I am DEPRESSED or have PTSD from childhood events.

I have read so much on self help and the way the brain works, and I know that I can directly related my feelings of anxiety, and other depression right back to my CHILDHOOD...

I don't ever remember being truly happy as a child, I can't remember ever feeling safe and secure or really even taken care of... and this isn't a made up feeling or over dramatized... My father lived in our home with my mother, sister, brother and myself, but it was like he was just a grown child that my mother took care of.

He didn't keep a job so there was never any money, there was no consistency and no feeling of being provided for... my childhood felt more like trying to cling on to a life raft rather than a pleasant ride on a safe boat... if that makes any sense.

I left my home at 16, got pregnant with my daughter and never really went back... I've worked and earned my own way the entire time...

I am married now with my daughter and son, and husband, and I have tried having a relationship with my mother but I think she has lost her mind, saying this is the only nice way I can accept for how she has dealt with me and my issues from childhood.

I recently found out even more disturbing things that went on in my home that happened between my sister and brother, this completely destroyed any hope that I had of looking back at childhood with fond memories... it has become more clear why I didn't feel safe or secure and I even started remembering some things that happened to me that have confused and disappointed/disturbed me.. having to do with my brother, who has always had "issues" but they've never been talked about... just recently I finally asked what my brother's problem was all this time, because he has never been "right" never kept a job, always got in trouble, always on "medication" he is 40 years old now and my mother continues to baby him entirely... she finally told me that at 13 he was diagnosed as bi-polar, something she never thought to mention to me while growing up... instead she basically coddled his every need while my sister and I learned to support ourselves, and clean up after my brother and my father. And apparently be "disrespected" by him... the bi-polar brother.

When I tried to bring up some of this with my mother, she got very defensive and even hostile to me... I feel like a broken soul and when I mentioned to her that I think I'd like to see a therapist to sort some of this out she mocked the idea and said "oh we all need therapy"..
so, no help there at all.

I feel like there is a huge whole in me, like all the things that parents are suppose to do for you and provide you with, not material things but emotional support and help you to grown and learn how to be and make you feel safe... all of that was non existent and I really hate to blame every mis-step of my life on that, but seriously how in the hell is one suppose to make in this world without getting what they are suppose to get as a child.. and worse, be "disrespected" by an f'd up family member who is getting treated like gold... aka -my brother. (Simply put, my brother couldn't control himself around my sister and I've been remembering instances where he was inappropriate with me also.. sick, I know) and my mother will not talk about any of this with me.

I'm 34 years old and I feel like a child inside who has been abused, neglected, ignored, and then orphaned.... I look to my husband for things that he just doesn't know how or is unable to give me... I know it's my hurt inner child in pain, but I don't know how to get the love/seurity for her that she needs... and this makes me feel like a loser, even though I know a part of me is capable of being confident... I just can't access that part because of all this other crap.

Anyway that is why I am here and how I'm feeling today... and most days.

Lots of hugs and I hope you will find a way to work thru this.