[Mama Char-Lee]

They put me on something called "remeron," I've been on it for a whole week now. I'm still on the vistaril and klonopin. I feel worse now than when I began the meds. I've managed to have 2 of these horrific episodes every day since Sunday.
Let me start off by saying I'm not a religious person...but yesterday, I think there must've been something watching over me. I was just about to do something incredibly stupid...I walked to the edge of a cliff, overlooking Lake Erie. The wind and the waves were big, pretty wicked looking, so I took a few pics with my cell phone and decided to count to ten in my mind. I was bawling and holding my phone when it buzzed in my hand by the time I counted to six. It was a text message from my sister, she had come home from Michigan and wanted to know if she could stop by.
I stepped back from the edge and looked up. "Message recieved," I murmured to the sky. I went home.
Today, I feel worse than I did yesterday. There's no rhyme or reason. I told my therapist and he'll tell the shrink. Is it so wrong to give up? I mean, really, what good am I to the poor schmucks that I surround myself with? I'm a drain on my family and friends. We're broke as a joke, I have to put my cat down on Friday because he's so diabetic his organs are shutting down, which is going to devastate me. Oh, and I have a house full of pets, pets no one else would want or like. My therapist told me that I "kept tarantulas and snakes as a way to keep people away." I thought I kept these things because I genuinely liked them, they were ugly like me, and I thought I was giving them a good home.
Don't mind me. I'm trying to do this venting-thing, and...it's not doing me a lick of good. I hafta go to work, designing a newspaper about "Letters to Santa" from all of the gradeschool kids here in the county.
Meh. Never mind my babbling. It's just another bad day.

[OrangeMoira]

Vent away! I can't imagine going to work and focusing on something so cheerful during such a crazy time. Your incident on the cliff sounds really scary. I hope you can get your meds adjusted soon.

I think some people who keep unusual pets do it as a statement of uniqueness--they feel a kinship to sweet creatures that other people don't appreciate. It won't push adventurous people away!

So sorry to hear about your kitty. Go easy on yourself. You are bound to feel extreme emotions for a while since you are losing a family member. That is so sad.

Once you have had time to grieve and your meds have leveled out you may feel much better. Hang in there.

[Rohag]

I'm grateful for your 'miraculous' cliff experience.
Deep sorrow for the impending loss of your friend.
Keep on posting.

[shortandcute]

Please try to hang on. I have often felt that way myself, and could not see any way out of that sinking feeling. But by the grace of God, I lived through it. But hang in there.

Venting is good. Talking is good. It may help to let it out. I'll be thinking about you on Friday. Hold on to that thread.

[carebirdy]

Originally Posted by Mama Char-Lee

My therapist told me that I "kept tarantulas and snakes as a way to keep people away." I thought I kept these things because I genuinely liked them, they were ugly like me, and I thought I was giving them a good home.
Don't mind me. I'm trying to do this venting-thing, and...it's not doing me a lick of good. I hafta go to work, designing a newspaper about "Letters to Santa" from all of the gradeschool kids here in the county.
Meh. Never mind my babbling. It's just another bad day.

If you like tarantulas, snakes, and other creepy crawlys, keep enjoying them. Anything that makes life worthwhile is worth holding onto. I have two dogs, one of them has been in at least 3 different homes. Sometimes one of the things that keeps me going is thinking that I don't want him to have to go to another home.

[Mama Char-Lee]

Hi guys, I just wanted to update this by saying that today was a much better day than I've had in a long time. I took my cat into the vet today, but I did not have him put down. He's still grossly obese and diabetic, but I'm just going to monitor him closely to make sure this isn't a quality-versus-quantity thing. This past week has been absolute hell, and not just with my cat, but with everything in general. This morning when I decided that I had not exhausted every effort just yet, I felt tremendously better. Big Bubba Stewey is doing good too, even though he's giving me dirty looks over his diet diabetes food.
Thank you, all of you.

[RJ78]

Hi MC-L,

Glad to hear that you had a better day. I have had some experiences like yours and came out on the other side, extremely grateful that I did Keep posting!

RJ

Hope you keep having the good days! We have to endure the bad ones to get to the good ones. Last Saturday was my worst, possibly ever, with full blown panic attack that lasted for hours on end. I never thought it would stop. I felt worthless. Here a week later, I have had up and down days, but all in all I have managed to survive day by day. Just take it day by day. You can do it Mama Char-Lee!

[echo555]

Clonazepam can make you very depressed, so I'd watch out for particular med. I think it's good for short-term but long-term it starts to work against me. I'm assuming if your psych put you on remeron you've been through a bunch of meds like I have (I've tried remeron too)...antipsychotics help me better than any type of antidepressant has so maybe keep that in mind if you haven't already tried that. When I'm feeling that way I try to find an activity that helps me escape from my surroundings...television does it for me, maybe find something that helps you escape from everything. take care.