[Rose76]

I feel awfully sad and hopeless. My apartment is messy. Maybe if I would start straightening up the place I would not feel so bad.

I wish I had someone to talk to that could understand. There is a support line in my community that is very good. It's a phone line and I guess the people there are volunteers. They sound like students. I called twice 2 days ago. They give a caller as much time as one wants. They were very nice. I can't just keep calling them.

My problems with depression are chronic. I expect to have recurrent bouts of depression. They are coming too close together. I don't have enough time to recuperate in between.

Being out of work is very lonely. I tell myself to volunteer to do something constructive somewhere. It scares me. I told the last person I talked to at the support line that I know I have to make myself do things regardless of how hard it seems. Instead of doing something to get out among people, I am staying in my apartment and afraid to try. Or maybe too lazy.

Thursday I managed to get out and run some errands. While out, I ran into my brother. It felt very disturbing. He is kind of mean and I don't trust him at all. He acts creepy. The last time I gave him a ride to get some things done, it was stressful. He tells me I'm a terrible driver. The next time he calls for a favor, I think I'm going to say no. I've been feeling sorry for him for years. He has all kinds of resentment toward me and I'm sick of it. I try to tell myself that maybe he can't help the way he is. He keeps getting arrested for things like creating a disturbance in public. He's told people lies about me, saying that I've refused to help him times when I did everything I could. I made a mistake sending him money to move to near where I live. That was after not seeing him in years. He was homeless and in jail. Now he is down the street from me. I don't want him showing up at my door unexpected. He knows I am struggling with depression, and he makes it plain that he has no interest in hearing anything about me. All he does is talk real loud and cut me off if I start to say anything.

It's getting so I'm not sure what is stressing me or what to do about it. I've talked about my brother because of the recent encounter that upset me. My problems are not really about him, though, and I know that.

I need milk, but I am not wanting to leave my apartment. The only person I am in consistent contact with is kind of like an ex-boyfriend. We used to live together. Five years ago, I got away from him. I helped him find a suitable place to live. It was a very unhappy relationship. But we stayed friends. His health is failing. I have helped him when he has been sick. At times, it seems we can get along very nice. He does get very annoyed if I mention being depressed. That is one reason why I had to get away from him. He would tell me I was useless and had no gumption. Still, it was me who supported him a lot of the time.

Other than those two men there is really no one in my life. When I was working I had contact with other people. My next door neighbor has tried to be friendly, but she is very critical of me. I've put up with her addict son coming to my door asking to borrow money. I always refused him, but was nice about it. He hasn't asked in quite a while and seems to be doing better. I'm leaving the curtains drawn, so the neighbors can look in and see my house a mess. Also, I don't want to have to answer the door if my brother shows up.

My neck is kind of sore, but not too bad.

If I turn the TV on, I will be afraid to turn it off. So I am leaving it off because it's been on too much lately. I'm trying to have the house quiet. All of this doesn't add up to much of an explanation as to why I feel so bad.

I do feel very bad. Eventually, it seems I always get over feeling depressed. Lately, I just keep relapsing. I don't want the doctors to push anymore meds on me. We've done enough experimenting. I take the meds that are ordered for me. They help me to sleep. No amount of meds is going to change that I feel very isolated. Also, meds don't give me the courage to go out and try to do constructive things. I don't want to argue with doctors about medication anymore. I'm on enough stuff. I don't want ECT. I was helped once by going to a day program, but I don't think they have that anymore.

[Rose76]

My neck gets very sore when I am at the computer from two damaged discs and bone spurs. My regular doctor gave me prescription for pain med. Now he has told me not to take it because I am on too many psych meds. This neck thing has me awful discouraged, too. I have been spending too much time at the computer out of feeling so alone.

[TerryL]

Rose, you are not lazy. when I go shopping I sometimes feel very lonely because I see people with their friends and family. could that be one reason (besides your physical pains) why you don't want to go out? not sure if this will help but I make getting a treat my end goal so despite feeling lonely I have something to look forward to while out.

[Shadow-world]

Rose, I'm so sorry about how you're feeling.
I've just tried to respond in length, but my laptop crashed / froze and I lost the entire message so I have to make it a bit briefer.

I do sympathise with your feelings of isolation. I know that you mentioned in other threads that you have a significant other / partner, but you didn't mention him in your thread. Is he not around any longer? Don't answer if the question is too intrusive. I just wondered...

I think volunteering is a great idea, Rose. Maybe you can find something suitable in your local paper.
Also, joining some people for a coffee morning or maybe a class that would interest you (e.g. an art class or a book club), might make a real difference.

It also sounds as if it would be best to avoid your brother and your neighbour's son, as they seem to be such bad company in your life.

Can you go back to your doctor and check with them about different pain medicines and maybe a change in antidepressant medication?

I send you my best wishes and hugs, Rose!

[Shadow-world]

Originally Posted by TerryL

Rose, you are not lazy. when I go shopping I sometimes feel very lonely because I see people with their friends and family. could that be one reason (besides your physical pains) why you don't want to go out? not sure if this will help but I make getting a treat my end goal so despite feeling lonely I have something to look forward to while out.

This is a good point, Terry. I personally find it sometimes difficult to be in town because I constantly see couples, pregnant women (that's quite personal, I suppose, as I still struggle with my childlessness) and apparently happy families and then I feel really alone. I can get really upset by it.
Do you get this as well, Rose? Might this contribute to your inclination to stay at home rather than leave the house?

[Rose76]

I've had the same Significant Other for many years. He is the man I mention in the post above that I say I no longer live with. We still care a lot for each other. He was over to my place last weekend. He got to my place before I could get it tidied up. I was out shopping for something to cook for him.

I got back and made him something to eat. The place really wasn't too bad. I thanked him for not complaining about it not being neat. Then he said, "You shouldn't let it get this way." I was so hurt, after just thanking him for being nice. I told him that, and he laughed - like he got a kick out of needling me. So I got up and picked up what was looking untidy. It really wasn't a terrible mess. Then the place looked okay, and he had no more negative things to say. But I was glad when he left two days later.

For the first 12 years that I knew him, he was a heavy drinker. I helped him out of homelessness a few times. Then he finally stopped drinking when he had serious health problems. He improved a lot. He has a hard time walking, but he does quite well at his own place. His place is set up for a person with mobility impairment. I change his bed linens and do his laundry. He manages to shop and cook alright.

I really have helped him through a number of serious illnesses. It feels so unfair that he can say things that are cold and unkind when I am depressed.

Maybe I will put in a message to my psychiatrist tomorrow that I am not doing well. Where I get my mental health care is a busy public clinic. It could take days before I hear back from him. Though, maybe not. I was thinking of going over there today, but it would be a waste of time. I don't want to be admitted. The place is awful. I even used to work there, which makes it even more painful to go there.

I think I really do need to join something like a book club, or take an exercise class. I've gotten very inhibited about going out. My expectation is that people will sense that there is something wrong with me and I won't really be accepted. It's awful to feel that way.

Yesterday, I dreamed of one of my sisters. They live far away and don't really have anything to do with me anymore. One of them is a heavy drinker, and it may be just as well that she has stopped calling me. It was the other one who was in the dream I had. She has a successful life and a nice home. In an emergency, she would be available, as she is a responsible person. Otherwise, though, she has as little as possible to do with me. On my birthday, she does have an expensive gift basket delivered to my door. I am heartbroken getting it, when a phone call would be so much more. But she says I dwell on things that bring me down. She says that she could be depressed, if she let herself be. To me the implication is that she blames me for having emotional problems. I kind of think she is right.

Like - right now - I should do some straightening up, even if I just tried for 15 minutes.

Thank you for the note you tried to write that got lost. That has happened to me. It has helped me a bit to write down here these things. Maybe I should consider a class. I tend to do very well at any kind of class I take. Money for that is short, but I'm sure there is something somewhere that wouldn't cost much. Usually, being very depressed eventually prompts me to change something in my life to make things better. That's how I got along most of the years. The past two years have been bad like never before.

This time, last year, I was doing all kinds of paper work and computer courses for a new job. I really believed I would make a go of the job. Then my S.O got very sick and I was up at the hospital a lot. I delayed starting the job, which the company said was alright. They were very nice and said they would have an assignment for me in the new year. So I fixed my home up really nice for Christmas. It was pretty with a lovely tree and lights outside on an evergreen tree. Even though my place is an apartment, it's kind of like a little house. My S/O recovered and he so admired how nice my place looked. We had nicely wrapped packages under the tree for each other. What kept me going was the new job starting in the new year.

I didn't do well when I went back to work. I failed at two assignments. My doctor advised me to apply for disability social security. I applied based on depression and arthritic problems. The government sent me for x-rays and then granted my claim very quickly, which is highly unusual. It turned out the x-rays showed more wrong than I even knew. I have disc problems in my neck and back. I don't need surgery and I'm sure there are people going to work with more wrong with them. But my work was physical, so I guess the government gave me a break. Apparently, I'm not supposed to be lifting things very much.

It feels like I'm calming down from the meds I took a while ago. This is too long, but I think it helped me writing it. If I can just think of good things that are possible. I'm trying to visualize in that way. I appreciate anyone who has the patience to look at this thread.

[unaluna]

It doesn't take "patience" to read your thread - you are very good company! An excellent and interesting writer. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Shadow-world]

No, Rose, don't worry, the post isn't too long. Sometimes it really helps to get things out of your system a bit when you write things down.
I have done that sometimes with creative writing, too, and I'm a bit cross with myself that I haven't worked on the story that has been important to me for a while. I don't want to abandon that one completely as I abandoned a previous one so I'll try to get back to it.

I think we all tend to blame ourselves for not doing enough to feel better and people without this condition and anxiety are often only too ready to imply how we are making ourselves miserable. We can work on trying to get better, but blaming ourselves doesn't help and it's also frequently very difficult to get ourselves out of this hole. I think this is not much appreciated by others and we tend to internalise their views.

Yes, it would be great if you could try and join a group. I'm sure that everyone would be very welcoming.

I'm glad that you are still with your SO even if relations are not always easy but presumably (I haven't had much of an intimate relationship so I can't speak much out of experience here) that's part of a relationship. You both seem to care for each other and this is beautiful. Hopefully he can show his appreciation of what you do and have done for him a bit more.

[Rose76]

I don't really mind seeing other people with friends and/or family out with them. I don't really envy them. I kind of absorb warmth from people when I am out. (I sure don't envy people with screamin' kids. I like children and I do well with them, but I know there is much work that goes into getting any reward out of having them.) But it is true that I would be less stuck in the mud here, if I had some companionship.

I had a lady friend for over 8 years. We did quite a lot together. I actually used to see her every weekend. She knew the story of my life and I knew hers. I liked her sense of humor. There was much we had in common, even down to having to manage chronic depression. This sounds harshly judgmental, but she has a talent for exploiting people. I figured that, as long as I knew that and set limits, I could enjoy the relationship. She came to depend on me quite a bit for transportation. I came to resent the calls for chauffeur service and we had a falling out. I figured I had a talent for attracting users and getting exploited by them. That's what the relationship was starting to feel like. She hung up on me during a phone call when I was venting some of my resentment. (She had called for a ride, and I just didn't feel good.) All I had to do was say, "Sorry, no can do." Instead I lectured her, and that's why she hung up. Then for months and months, I didn't hear anything from her and I was glad. Then quite some time ago, she started calling me, as if nothing had transpired. I've been polite, and I've thought about re-engaging with her. I have a bit, but something holds me back. I just feel she has a genius for extracting out of me what meets her needs and not really giving back. She's a good listener and someone I've told all about myself. I believe she genuinely misses me, but I also believe she sees me as kind of a patsy. I'm not surprised she misses me. I was a good friend to her. But she is hard-hearted, in ways I could not be, and I've come to kind of dislike her. I don't miss her. We quarreled and made up a number of times, over the years. I know that goes with close relationships. I'm glad of what I learned from being with her, as much as I was. I never fully trusted her, and now I really do feel cold toward her. Actually, that's not true. I remember her with fondness. I just don't see her as someone who was ever a real friend to me. She is too self-centered. I have enough of that in my life.

One of the resolutions I've made is to stop being available for everyone who wants to come to me with their needs. I know I'm very needy, myself, but I have a horror of making myself a burden to anyone. In life, there has to be reciprocity. Here in my real world life, I have a long track record of investing in people a lot to gain very little return. So I have deliberately become kind of aloof. I think that's causing me some of my extreme current loneliness. But I feel it's a necessary step. Just going to get the mail means I might meet my next door neighbor. That often leads to her sitting down with me on my front patio. Then I hear the story of her current woes. And it goes in a circle and just repeats. I feel like I've had the same conversation with her a hundred times. I see that other neighbors avoid chatting with her. I've become her favorite neighbor. She's an admirable person on a number of fronts. I know her life story and she knows mine. I can tell she has episodes of loneliness, but I don't want to be friends with someone just so that I can minister unto them.

Since age 17, I've been a professional care-taker. Before that, it was like I grew up meeting my parents emotional needs. I guess I should be very happy to be in this apartment alone with no one to bother me. A human needs more of a life than that. I just seem to despair of ever having nice relationships with people. I am becoming terribly tired, listening to myself.

I don't really believe I'm lazy. I do value my S/O and that will continue, until one of us is gone. He's much older, so I expect to be alone for most of my future. Really, even now, it's like he is gone. Well, I guess I must be crazy putting this much of my life on a site available for anyone to see. But I think my story is probably the story of other people. Some details changed, but I think I am not the only one living as I am. It's too bad. I guess we do this to ourselves, somehow. Then we don't know how to do different.

[Rose76]

I think back of how it used to be. My S/O and I had a dog together. It felt like a family. Briefly. My S/O was home after surgery. It meant someone was home with the dog who couldn't be left alone for more than a few hours. My S/O liked to cook and nice meals were ready when I came home from work. I worked a lot of hours.

Then he took a low paying job. I would give up my high paying shifts to stay home when he worked. I tried hiring a dog walker. That didn't work out to well. We argued a lot. A neighbor called the police once. The dog became very protective of me. If he yelled at me, the dog would get alarmed. She started to lunge at him, if he entered a room I was in. She wasn't vicious, just very protective of me. It was just verbal argument, but I got so sick of being put down.

Then the dog was dying of cancer. I needed my S/O to help take care of her. He did help me and was nice to our dog. Then she died just the day before he was going out of state to visit his children for Christmas. I was going to spend Christmas alone, with my S/O thousands of miles away. I loved when he would leave town and my dog and I were alone. But now it was 5 days to Christmas. He was leaving on a plane next day. And she had just died in surgery, that I was told could give her another 3 years.

It was merciful that she died that way. He went on his trip. I had found a very nice pet cemetery. I took her to be buried in this lovely place in the mountains, where the staff there (it was a kennel, too) even provided a little service and there was a prayer. It was snowing. I put evergreens on her grave.

Then the grief was awful and I was alone. Six months later we separated, him to his apartment and me to mine. It's a comfortable place where I am, but I don't really like it. Noise from the street is awful, at times. Constant traffic. I came here with a hopeful attitude. I think my real hope and joy in living got buried in those mountains with my dog. I've never been the same since. I wish I were buried up there too. It really is a lovely place.

Well, there is my heartache . . . all very melodramatic. If I got a little dog, I would have someone to love. My S/O tells me to do that. I am afraid I would feel tied down, like with my last dog. And I spent over $3000 on Vet bills when she was sick. I couldn't afford to do that again. I wouldn't want to have a dog and not be able to afford the best for that dog. And then eventually I would go through another loss.

All this thinking goes nowhere. There is no medication ever invented that will help me very much. I miss going to work, walking my dog, times when my S/O and me got along, times when he used to cook nice things for me. It feels like I'm just waiting for the both of us to pass away.

[Little Me]

Originally Posted by Rose76

My neck gets very sore when I am at the computer from two damaged discs and bone spurs. My regular doctor gave me prescription for pain med. Now he has told me not to take it because I am on too many psych meds. This neck thing has me awful discouraged, too. I have been spending too much time at the computer out of feeling so alone.

I sympathize with your neck problems. I too have neck issues. Last year I had cortisone shots, epidural and then finally a nerve block. Helped a bit but it coming back. I have pain meds too and maybe it would help me sleep if I took them. Most of the time it hurts. It's depressing to have so pain in so many places. My earlier life caused me so many injuries and I have lots of pain and stiffness all the time. People keep saying to me, just wait until you're old it will really get tough. Ughh, it's already tough.
Hang in there. I use cream on my neck (doesn't work but it feels good) also a neck pillow, a warm neck wrap, a neck collar sometimes at night too.
Take care.

[LiveThroughThis]

Rose, I relate so much to your posts. Thank you for sharing them! I appreciate your honesty about your life/feelings/etc. It's refreshing.

In regards to your back issues, I'm not sure if this is an option for you, but have you considered Acupuncture? I mention that because my grandmother's boyfriend--in his mid 70's--had back surgery about a year or two ago and it helped only a little. Someone recommended Acupuncture to him a few months ago, and after 7 or 8 sessions he says he's never felt such relief and will continue seeing the man (he's a Chinese man who was raised in this therapy, it's been in his family generations) for as long as possible. This, coming from a former Nasa engineer who's quite conservative.

[Rose76]

I'm grateful for the replies. I've felt very alone.

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Well, there is my heartache . . . all very melodramatic.

I don't think your heartache is melodramatic at all, nor the way you've written it. I admire you for being so honest too. You are very intelligent, down-to-earth, and have excellent insight. I think someone would be lucky to have you as their friend IRL. I know you know much of what you need to do to feel less sad and alone, but I also know it is a lot harder to put into action, or to accomplish (I can relate well to this sentence I just wrote). I am hoping that eventually, or little by little, you will be able to do what you need to.

[Rose76]

I have been just sleeping and sleeping. I think about calling my psychiatrist. I don't know what I expect from him. Nothing, really.

The place is kind of a mess. Picking it up seems beyond me. I just want to go back to sleep. My S/O calls once a day. Times like this I see that we're really not a couple anymore, just two people who know each other. He's very detached. He has enough to cope with getting through his own day.

The crying of two days ago has turned into sleepiness. I just want to sleep and it seems to come so easily. I really wish I could sleep for eternity. I have no intention of doing anything harmful to myself. It just feels like I have nothing left as far as effort goes. Awful.

[Rose76]

I put the call in to my pdoc. He is supposed to call back within 2 days, but often it is longer. I have no idea what he could possibly do to help me. If there was a group program I could attend, it might help me. Or I might go and hate it. Then the pdoc would be mad that he referred me.

That former lady friend called me today, of all days. At 1:30 in the afternoon, she calls to tell me she would like to take me to lunch. I think she was bored and wanted company. I finally decided to stop being coy about the past. I told her that there were issues between us that never got addressed and that I was uncomfortable with her. She went on about how she had no idea what they were, but she perfectly understood. It would have been nice if she cared enough to talk things out. Maybe, now, she will stop calling.

But she is a persistent being and good at manipulating people. If she calls again, I will just tell her that I don't want phone calls from someone who has a history of hanging up in my ear, and has done that more times than I can remember.

So I am back to being all alone. I just believe I will always be as I am. I don't believe I will have what it takes to change. I feel hopeless. I wish there were someone I could talk to. But not any therapist. I did the therapy thing to death. There used to be a drop-in center for people with psych issues. I liked to go there and watch a movie with the others. The place doesn't exist anymore. Really too bad. Services have been cut on other fronts in my community. I feel like there is no where that I can ask for help.

[Rose76]

Thanks to all for the hugs. Thanks for reading. I've felt less alone because of you.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Thanks to all for the hugs. Thanks for reading. I've felt less alone because of you.

I understand about some of the struggles you wrote. The difficulty getting out of b ted and out of the house. I lacked/lack the ability keep things as neat as possible. I also have come to PC to post which helps/helped me.
So, I hope your day is better today/tomorrow.

[Rose76]

Maybe I'm not completely hopeless. So many people, including members of PC, cope with really tough challenges. It may be that my life lacks joy, and it may be that it won't be much fun for the foreseeable future. But I am certainly making it worse and creating my own Hades. Life is more or less tolerable for now. Even that is something to be thankful for. I may have to just accept "tolerable" and wait and see what might come down the line. I can make a few moments of contentment sometime this day, if I really try.

Last night, I increased my dose of antidepressant. Maybe it's helping.

Tolerable isn't so bad. I prefer to think of it as a state of "okayness"
I hope it gets better than tolerable tho.

[Rose76]

I don't have any supportive family or friends. That's not to say that I don't know people and have relatives. I even have a sort-of significant other. But never has there been anyone who doesn't seem to imply - or just come right out and say - "You do this to yourself." It's awful hard to bear up under that. I feel desperate for understanding and to be a little bit supported. From my S/O, especially, I am awfully disappointed.

I did talk to my pdoc on the phone today. He was pretty nice. I don't even tell him how bad I really feel. I don't want him to get discouraged. They take less interest in you, if they think you're a lost cause.

[Rose76]

This morning, I woke up feeling a very good deal better. Hopelessness is gone (for now.) Switching to amitrityline, and boosting the dosage seems to be helping. My neck isn't hurting today. That helps, but I must limit time on computer.

[Little Me]

Rose, glad you have a better start today. Feeling a little lighter makes a huge difference and I hope it continues. When you were writing in an earlier post about feeling alone with no friend and family support I could so relate. I have people around me but not people I can "talk' to or that even understand. I make up things so they don't know I go to therapy so often. They think it's not needed and this mental health business is not to be trusted. I don't know what I would do without the support of my 2 t's.
Thinking about you, take care.

[Rose76]

Little Me, thank you for understanding. I don't blame you for making up things. You don't owe anyone an explanation, and no need to subject yourself to very unhelpful feedback. Yes, you can feel alone, even surrounded by people.

I'm slipping back today, and I want to pull me together because I had 5 days that were so awful. A kindly person IRL would mean a lot, but there is no one. I am grateful for PC support.

I used to just accept whoever I could be connected with IRL, but now I am avoiding people who I don't believe are genuine. There are better things I could get involved in. I have to find the courage to go try things.

[jer2911]

I am so glad that you are feeling better. I would advise you to get involved in something. Maybe you should sign up for a class; cooking, dancing, excercising, etc. Most major cities have recreational centers where they offer exciting and fun things to do for little to no cost. There are things to do where you can keep yourself occupied and meet new people at the same time. My heart goes out to you and what you have been going through. I hope for the best for you and remember to stay encouraged because it is going to get better for you.