[whenwillitend]

on my way home from work, i drove by a police car with flashing lights, and then at a red light an ambulance with lights and sirens drove by me. it was dark already.

it took me back to september and october. big trigger.

now i keep reliving what happened during those two months. i can't get it out of my head. it's like a movie on loop.

i feel like crap now. i'm not quite suicidal yet, but i think i'm headed that way. i haven't seen my t in about three weeks, i can't afford the copay right now. maybe next year.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

on my way home from work, i drove by a police car with flashing lights, and then at a red light an ambulance with lights and sirens drove by me. it was dark already.

it took me back to september and october. big trigger.

now i keep reliving what happened during those two months. i can't get it out of my head. it's like a movie on loop.

i feel like crap now. i'm not quite suicidal yet, but i think i'm headed that way. i haven't seen my t in about three weeks, i can't afford the copay right now. maybe next year.

Hi there. I haven't been on the forum long, so we haven't run into each other. I looked back at some of your previous threads. You've had a really hard time.

I guess I don't need to tell you that this time of year is very difficult for people like us. Its a time when everyone is supposed to be happy and with family. If one is in the midst of depression, its just another reminder that we aren't feeling normal.

You may always have an emotional response to the sound of an ambulance. My first suicide attempt was thirty years ago. I still tense up when I hear the siren of an ambulance. That first attempt was on Feb 1st, 1982. Dates like that stick in your mind.

We seem to cut alike. I don't mess around, no hesitation. Two years ago, I went on a spree that lasted four days. The first one was at home. I had a large knife blade, went into the bathroom and sat on the closed toilet. I rolled up my pant leg to my knee and stuck my lower leg out. Raised the knife blade high, turned my head and just let it fall, the dead weight of my arm behind the blade. When I looked back, I could see a four inch incision or skin, fat, and muscle. Cut ends of the vessels were just gushing. I sat there and watched as the blood puddled under my leg, across the bathroom floor and underneath the closed door. My friend was in the house, and she saw the blood coming through the door and came in. I hate hospitals and feared that I'd be put in the psych ward, so I closed the wound myself with suture. That scenerio repeated every day for four days. I was weak, pale and sick. To this day there are four deep divets two in each calf.

Had no one been there, I think I would have just let myself bleed out. Looking back, watching the flow of blood was hypnotizing. I really didn't care that I was watching my life run out my leg.

If you are feeling like you might cut your wrists again, don't wait to go in and get help. You aren't just cutting little areas, so it is a true psychiatric emergency. That feeling of calm and serenity you had after one bad episode was probably endorphins. That and the feeling that you had done a "good job". I know that sounds warped, but sometimes it seems that the worse the injury, the more serenity you feel. Its kind of a temporary fix to an underlying problem. Its not worth dying for. You matter to your family, to the people here that you have been in contact with and somewhere in there, to yourself.

I couldn't get control over my urge to committ violent acts against myself. When the pressure got to high, I'd feel trapped and though I would try to stop, but eventually it would get to be too much. I have a ten inch scar from my left clavicle running diagonally down to the middle of my chest. I was on my way home from visiting my kid, (I'm divorced and my kid is states away with my ex). His mother had been hasseling my folks and myself in front of my kid and it just drove me over the edge.

I don't know if this will work for you, but the way I was finally able to get things under control was to verbally promise my friend, whom I would never betray, that I wouldn't do that again. It didn't stop the urges, but it did stop me from cutting. I knew that if I broke my word, it would no longer be worth anything.

You're life must feel like a living hell right now. If you are feeling triggers and getting that familiar feeling that you are going to cut or attempt suicide, its time to get yourself someplace safe. You know how fast it can happen and how quickly things can get under control. This life is only temporary, but death is permanent. One day you might miscalculate and either die or wind up with permanent loss of limb function. Once that happens, there is no going back. Whatever mess you feel like you are in, there are always choices and ways of lessening the problems. Don't rob yourself of your potential. You can find your way out of that black hole. I won't lie and tell you that everything will be great, but for those of us for whom depression and deep emotional pain exist, we have to try. Please, please go somewhere safe. You can do it.

Sam2

[NoCake]

Have you ever talked to anyone about what happened in September and October? I don't know what happened to you but maybe you should see a therapist and talk it out.

You need to learn to cope with stuff like this because if you don't you'll quite literally end up a slave to your past. Every time something reminds you of this moment you're going to keep going back to this depressive state until you can start comming to grips with what happened to you. If you avoid it then it will always come back and worse than before... Please get help.

[whenwillitend]

thank you both.
i got off work late tonight, so it was completely dark when i got into my car and looked over to the passenger side and saw, again, the shower curtain that is now where the window used to be. the window that the cops broke out to get to me. i barely made it home after that.

i don't know if this counts as some sort of ptsd. having flashbacks like that. it would be good if i could see my therapist and talk to her about this, but i simply don't have the money for the copay. and it's going to be a while before i do.

[Yoda]

I had flashbacks from PTSD for a very long time. Do what you can to distract yourself from the movie playing in your mind. I know exactly how that is to have your mind do that.

[whenwillitend]

feel like cutting tonight. do some damage.

dont think this will ever go away.

[Rohag]

'If you try to be strong everywhere, then everywhere you will be weak.' - paraphrased...

Gather what strength you have at the critical point.

[whenwillitend]

just found out that my new therapist closed my case, because i haven't seen her in a while. i just don't have the money for the copay. not to mention that working in a toystore is very busy and exhausting before christmas. and my schedule changes every week, so it's hard for me to make an appointment every week, in advance.

had huge fight with husbadn too.

just want to sleep.