[newtus]

i tried to jump off a bridge 6 months ago. my dad thinks i did it and sometimes other things for attention. and its killing me inside because i dont want people to think that about me. i have schizophrenia. ive been feeling depressed lately though. very depressed. and i started drinking and using drugs to I THINK numb the pain or whatever phrase people use like that. i THOUGHT i wasnt but i think i am. cause im still doing all that stuff.

i sit in my house mostly because im afraid of people. and i just dont want people to think im an attention seeker so ive been trying to keep my thoughts to myself. at the same time its really hurting to hold it in. because i mostly sit alone um idk anyone. i mean im 22. no job no school. yea. female. all that stuff. all that small talk info.

ill prob still keep them to myself. just wanted some advice because im feeling suicidal and feeling..like...other people too. but ive been to the hospitals 3-4 times this year. i dont need it. i dont want it again either.

MMM we can't usually do much about what people think of us. People tend to have their own perception filters and guides.
Most people need some attention but I can't imagine why anyone would think someone would go so far as jumping off a bridge for attention Maybe your dad doesn't want to face the reality of your situation so he looks for alternative reasons?
Or maybe you don't want attention per se but are desperate for ideas on better ways to cope and overcome your illness.
I also have a part of me that is completely off limits to others but I can't imagine keeping all my thoughts to myself.
You admitted to being suicidal but you say you keep your thoughts to yourself. I can't think of anything more serious and more personal than feeling suicidal so I'm curious about these other thoughts that you don't share.

Originally Posted by newtus

i tried to jump off a bridge 6 months ago. my dad thinks i did it and sometimes other things for attention. and its killing me inside because i dont want people to think that about me. i have schizophrenia. ive been feeling depressed lately though. very depressed. and i started drinking and using drugs to I THINK numb the pain or whatever phrase people use like that. i THOUGHT i wasnt but i think i am. cause im still doing all that stuff.

i sit in my house mostly because im afraid of people. and i just dont want people to think im an attention seeker so ive been trying to keep my thoughts to myself. at the same time its really hurting to hold it in. because i mostly sit alone um idk anyone. i mean im 22. no job no school. yea. female. all that stuff. all that small talk info.

ill prob still keep them to myself. just wanted some advice because im feeling suicidal and feeling..like...other people too. but ive been to the hospitals 3-4 times this year. i dont need it. i dont want it again either.

sorry newtus- if their's 1 thing i hate, it's the " oh you're doing all this for attention", or the laughs and " you'll get over it" all that crap

hang in their

[newtus]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

sorry newtus- if their's 1 thing i hate, it's the " oh you're doing all this for attention", or the laughs and " you'll get over it" all that crap

hang in their

thank you for this

[newtus]

Originally Posted by George H.

You admitted to being suicidal but you say you keep your thoughts to yourself. I can't think of anything more serious and more personal than feeling suicidal so I'm curious about these other thoughts that you don't share.

well i mostly meant keeping them to myself from the people around me. but theres quite a few thoughts that i dont share at all to people. because they could be damaging to me in so many ways possible. and i want to say them so bad. but in the wake of all these incidents in the news like adam lanza and the oregon and colorado and tucson shooting - i cant. i accidently while high said something to someone i barely know the other day. i mean i said the most personal secret. and now im scared of what might happen.

I understand but your thoughts are not the same as your actions. Would it help you to talk about them here? I'm not trying to entrap you
I was (accidentally I hope) placed on an anti-psychotic (I think) medication once. It gave me disturbing thoughts the first nite. By the second night I was having what seemed like perfectly normal thought about killing my mother :O
This was one of those meds that you take on a graduating scale. I was on 1 pill which was soon to be increased to 2 and then 3 by the dosing schedule.
I stopped taking them after the third night.
The point is that we can't always control our thoughts... only our actions.

[newtus]

i fear my impulses. because i act on them. i was taken to hospital for almost assualting someone but i held up this school. not with a gun though or nothing. stuff like that.

what im saying is i fear myself. cause theres other things i do that...ill just say ive done. im just scared to say.

[newtus]

i need a way to hurt myself so i can pacify this depression