[TobysFreshStart]

Hi guys. My name's Toby and recently I've come to terms with just how bad a state I had gotten myself into and made the first massive step today in seeing a councilor and for the first time in 3 or 4 years telling someone the truth about how my life was going and the roller coaster of emotions I was experiencing.

I now feel talking to someone was the best step I could have possibly taken and I want to share my story with more people and see their outlooks too, so I will paste the document I read to my councilor today.

If you do take the time to read it all - thank you. Your time means so much to me. Please tell me how you see things from where you stand if you can. (Also I apologise if some things seem to be repeated a lot, it would be easy to read this as a scrawly trail of my conscience.)

"When I was at junior school up to the age of 13 I didn't mind what people thought of me. I excelled in sports, acting and when I could put my mind to it, I was a great student, however have been told from an early age that I have the potential to do so much but that it is wasted and I only show this potential in glimpses.

However when I moved on to a private, expensive boarding school I began to rapidly lose confidence. It affected my personality and I felt shy and awkward and had a dark month long period for the first time very shortly after joining when I was unable to sleep for more than a few hours a night. I felt like the world was against me, that I was losing my personality and was constantly nervous and in my shell unless I was around my best friends. I started regularly lying to my parents, telling them that everything was going great and they had no need to worry about me.

When I started going to parties and drinking I loved the confidence it gave me and I felt that I had the talents back that I’d lost and could be myself around strangers but also a better me. I was only drinking on rare occasions being in a strict boarding school and only 15. I picked up smoking soon after though and I think at that point the feeling of the world being against me began to outweigh my guilt and I felt the rush of rebellion. If I look back to it now the best way to describe it now would be that I felt I had lost my personality completely and wanted to find anything that would make me stand out in some way like I used to when I was still good at things that I had a real passion for.

At this point I had a small but really close group of friends and it was only around them that I could truly be myself, more so than when with my family but over time I seemed to lose interest in everything and found it impossible to motivate myself to do anything constructive. My grades dropped awfully, I was constantly in trouble and found that I was unable to deal with pressure and would just lock up. Even after failing to meet deadlines I would always leave things to the last minute of the second chance I was always given and at still complete the tasks at halfhearted efforts.

I began to feel really guilty again and would improve things for short periods of time but still but never learnt my lesson and things kept getting progressively worse and I was starting to feel that even around my friends I felt awkward and would often think to myself that I had no attributes that would make me interesting to anyone, at this point I realized smoking was a stupid idea but I didn't even have the motivation to try to stop. I carried on losing interest in everything and felt like I was drifting through the days and wasn't learning anything. I lost belief that I could achieve anything and felt this constant self pity.

It was around this time that I first tried weed. The rebellion rush was amazing being in a strict boarding school shortly after my roommate had been expelled for the same thing. But the feeling was incredible too and when I was high I felt so creative and I could keep people entertained with conversations for hours. I was only doing it on very rare occasions and started to smoke it with new people and made friends that I would consider close for the first time in a few years. I wasn't getting caught and my grades hadn't dropped so I think at that time weed was fine and had no negative effects on me and gave me the creativity I had lost, I got a lead role in one of the school plays after being turned down for even a chrous role for the 2 years I had been at the school on a scholarship that was given mainly for my talents in drama.

I started to feel like I was getting my personality back and showing skills that made me interesting and gave people outside of my friendship group a reason to like me again and I have no doubt that smoking weed on rare occasions like I was then was beneficial for me and I was much happier with myself. My grades picked up and teachers had noted improvements, I began to feel that I could smoke weed more often since I was only seeing positive rewards from it. But as I did smoke more often I was beginning to convince myself that when I was high I was doing something beneficial due to the rewards I had earned previously. I began to get lazy and things started going downhill to a stage where they were worse than before.

I scraped through my GCSE's spending the vast majority of the study period smoking weed and getting drunk in the day with friends unable to contemplate putting effort into work. Yet I felt so guilty for wasting the opportunities I'd been given, my mother trying everything to keep me at the school, only possible with a bursary they had provided to aid us in our financial situation and I had truly thrown that all away.

I stopped smoking weed for a few months and it really helped me get healthy again, I felt a lot fresher generally and more intelligent and despite losing the extra scholarship they had given me I was feeling very positive over the summer before going to a sixth form at the opposite end of the country to do my A levels. My mum noticed the change in my attitude and took the blame for me being unable to finish my time at the private school due to not being able to afford the fees, and at that time I had learnt my mistake and dismissed it as a phase that I had grown out of. I still never told her the truth about the troubles I had gone through due to guilt and fear of upsetting her. I felt really confident before starting at college however, but when I joined I began to feel uninteresting again, it was like everyone at college thought I was weird and nobody thought anything of me there and I had nothing worthy to earn their time of day. I just couldn’t seem to function on a social level at all. This feeling grew quickly and I was beginning to completely disassociate myself from anyone at the college. Over the year I was there I met nobody I would call a true friend, and I knew it was mainly at my fault. I never revealed anything to anyone and was very quiet, I would sit there in lessons and just say nothing, I had ideas in my head but had no confidence to say them. I felt totally isolated, my old school friends made rare efforts to keep in contact with me and I would only hear from them if I got in touch with them first.

I started to feel really depressed at this time. I felt I had absolutely zero winning attributes, that it was already too late after only about a month of college to change the image I felt I had created of myself of being quiet, strange and uninteresting. I would literally go through the days talking to nobody but my mum, only having the confidence to talk if I was spoken to first. I felt like I was inconveniencing people by talking to them, that I would be an annoyance and felt that my quietness made me seem creepy. I had really lost contact with anyone I had previously called a friend apart from my 2 best friends who I am in regular contact with today but at who that time would never contact me first and hadn't ever invited me to come back and visit.

I started to feel an utter despair and self doubt in myself and wouldn't try things, either telling myself that I couldn't do things before I'd even tried them, or finding that even if something did interest me and got me to display confidence through my work the appeal would wear out literally within days and I was unable to commit to anything. I began not going into college or just leaving without telling anyone at some point in the day. I wasn't telling my mum and I would lie to her on a regular basis, telling her that I not only I had been in full attendance but that teachers were singing my praises.

I started to lie more and more often, and honestly felt it was the only way to make people show any interest in me. But I still just couldn't get a grasp on anything and shortly I wasn't turning up to college for up to 2 weeks at a time, telling my mum the whole time that I was in everyday. It was at this point that I lost any self respect for myself, I felt pathetic and that everyone viewed me that way. I felt unloved and unwanted and began to turn against myself but just wasn’t able to motivate myself enough to even properly try and do anything about it. I began to feel depressed and hated myself so much and the fact that I still couldn't pick myself up enough to change things despite this drove me against myself.

I was just looking back at everything I had lost but as much as it tore me apart inside I still had no fight to do anything about it. I started smoking weed again but this time not for a creative purpose but as a way of escape from the reality that I have been unable to face. I was down to roughly a 30% attendance average halfway through the second term and was doing the bare minimum to avoid getting into real trouble but was beginning to smoke weed more and more regularly. Whenever I would manage to muster up the effort to go back into college I would realize how much work I had missed and I how much I had to do to make up for it due to being that far behind. I would reflect on the situation I would always get myself into and I had nobody to blame but myself for it and would drive myself into this pit of self hate where I would breakdown over how I felt I had become this emotionless person who didn't have a perspective on anything and who seemed to have lost the ability to get a grip on anything meaningful.

I knew I was on a bad path but could not begin to contemplate asking for help despite the fact that everyone was worried about me. I started to get back in touch with friends I hadn't spoken to in a long time but seemed to be unable to create any interesting conversation without lying and I began doing so more frequently and more dramatically, desperately trying to keep people convinced that I was happy and that everything was going well for me. This actually really helped me for some time and I stopped smoking weed again and I felt more positive and managed to get reasonable grades in my first year of sixth form. I moved back to my old house and was close to my old friends again for the second year of college, which I honestly gave up on within 2 or 3 weeks.

I again felt inadequate of anybodies time and was quiet and in fact worse than I was the previous year when I had been so convinced that a change of location could have been the resolve, I was lonely but telling my friends and family otherwise the whole time. I began to realize how awful it was that I had lied to so many people and started to feel so much guilt fueled hate at myself and shut off completely again. The longest I went without smoking weed was over the course of the year was 3 weeks on 2 separate occasions, otherwise I was smoking just to have something to do mainly on a daily basis and as a way to put off the huge amount of **** I had accumulated on top of me through this endless circle of what at this point I thought was just procrastination and still believed I would somehow at some point regain the motivation to get things straight but couldn't drag myself to make an active change.

I knew it was my entire fault but was still unable to do anything about it and pretty much agreed with myself that I would scrape by on the bare minimum yet again at this college and start fresh at university. Every time I would find any bit of motivation to better myself I would just reflect at who I had become and give up time after time. I started to experiment with other drugs, only on rare occasions because as much as I loved trying them they did scare me and I began to use drink in a similar way to I did weed, escaping the facts. I know weed is awful for me in the long run but I constantly reach this state of self loathing where I let things mount up to a level where I can’t foresee being able to deal with things and just feel like a total lost cause and weed was the best way to help me out of those times where I’ve honestly felt completely helpless.

Yet I would still never really ask for help despite my clear knowledge that I needed to be truthful with in fact anyone about it because as I had disguised the truth about what I was going to from everybody and felt that I didn't deserve anybodies help. There have been occasions when I have been unable to help breaking down completely in front of my mum and have revealed elements of the truth but not everything and have always denied drug use. Instead I was again pretending to everyone that my life was going great or on the up and that I was really happy.

I was a ghost at college, more so than before – Coming in for just a couple of days every few weeks. Around this stage I began to feel that I was an absolute zombie, I did nothing, I talked to nobody and was high a lot of the time but was for the first time feeling desperately sad whilst I was high rather than it delaying the guilt until when I ran out of weed and counteracted it by repeating the cycle.

This pushed me into first trying MDMA, it has done incredible things for me but at the same time made things plummet even further in terms of how I feel about life. I was again only doing it on very very rare occasions and in very small quantities but when I took it I viewed life so positively and it has been the best way I have managed to identify my own flaws. It would help me to think about how I was being viewed at from the outside on a rational level and that I wasn't weird and no different from anyone else, and that I was perfectly fine talking to strangers if I had even just one friend with me so there was no reason I should find it so impossible by myself. I realized small things I could do to help rebuild the social skills I had completely lost.

My friendships have tightened so strongly from my experimentation with the drug as it has made me able to see people in far more depth than ever before and gives me the ability to understand them, I have stopped lying as a way of getting any form of attention but still do when confronted by someone checking whether I’m alright when I do just drift out of society completely. Numerous friends have told me that I was able to identify things in them whilst on MDMA that they had subconsciously known were holding them back but never admitted and have bettered themselves on it. I felt like I had something to offer and I was likable again and my friends would always come to me for advice whenever they needed it and I loved to help them boost their own self esteems but was unable to admit I probably needed help a lot more than they did.

I had still only tried it about 5 times and in small increments by January of last year and this was because I was truly scared of what it could do to me if I took it too much as I see the empty shell I become when I smoke large quantities of weed for prolonged periods of time and feel I don’t have the strength to even try giving it up despite the fact I hate what I become on it. I think the trouble was that at this point I hated myself whether I was taking anything or if I was actually sober and doing something productive and at least if I was taking something it was numbing the soul wrenching pain I was repeatedly working myself up into.

I was also scared of the comedowns of MDMA, I’d only taken small amounts and would still be very low for days afterwards, but I was able to just counteract that with weed. However obviously with the road I was taking things were never going to get anything than worse and I started to feel really worried, helpless and sad despite smoking more weed than I ever had before.

There was one occasion where I had been feeling really down for a period of about a month and had gone to see my old friends for the first time in a while and when I was there felt so blank and again that I was unable to get the confidence to even construct a sentence around my own best friends. We went out that night and I took a cocktail of drugs including about 4 times more MDMA than I ever had before and threw out all the rules I had set myself about taking the drug.

The come down was horrible and for weeks I was unbearably unhappy, I was at this point living at home by myself on weekdays and nothing was there to hold me turning myself into this absolute train wreck of as person. I lost weight rapidly and rarely went out to do anything and when I did I felt more worthless to anyone than before and would even find myself having to try to stop myself crying from being so nervous from talking to people I didn't really know. I would sleep late until the afternoon, up to 14 hours a day and struggle to even get out of bed and when I did I felt completely dead inside, emotionless and exhausted.

My friends were worried about me and when they were giving me the attention I so desperately needed I couldn't bring myself to talk about it and, not wanting to keep on lying I ended up ignoring them completely, not responding to anyone for weeks. I learnt my lesson from this and didn't take MDMA at all for 6 months. I also stopped smoking so much weed as I was now struggling financially from funding my habits and was using the money I was being given from my mum for my buses to college and for standard living necessities to buy my weed instead.

I still felt very disconnected from everything and really began to feel I had lost the ability to care about anything enough to try to pull myself together in the way I knew I had to and I began to notice I was still losing a lot of weight and people began to comment on how skinny I looked. But for some reason I was gradually getting my self confidence back and I felt I was making progress in re-establishing a sense character. I stopped smoking weed too for 3 months and although I was unable to motivate myself into any form of regular attendance at college I managed to scrape the grades I needed for university.

University was a choice I truthfully hadn't really thought through much at all but just thought that it was the only sensible thing for me to do as I had lost all employable skills over the past years. I knew though that I had no desire for the learning aspects but instead was convinced that the opportunity at being thrown into social situations would help me to get some confidence back. Unfortunately none of my university plans worked out well at all from the start, and although they are issues that I should at least have attempted to improve and probably could have if I faced them at an early stage, I locked up and struggled through it instead, hating it and driving myself back into a depression.

Nothing was living up to my expectations and nobody else seemed to be having the same troubles as me and the isolation started to come back. Again I was reluctant to ask for help and told everyone I was enjoying university but felt like I was going nowhere and that I had no interest in what I had supposedly worked 2 years for. I ended up smoking weed regularly and in large quantities again and still felt constantly sad and as things started to mount up in the same way I started to feel hopeless again and that I was too deep into a pit to get out of. I felt immensely sad and started taking MDMA again in larger and larger quantities, I do get the comedowns but have reached the stage recently where I often feel just as depressed as I do during a come down on a regular basis when I'm sober. When I reflect on all my faults and how I only had myself to blame for the seemingly endless downwards spiral I was on.

I was spending way over my budget, and within the first month of university I had spent the majority of my money for the year mostly on going out with my old friends and spending any money I had on drugs to push the thoughts out of my head that were honestly tearing me apart inside.

Although seeing my friends more regularly was definitely helping me to rebuild character which was allowed me to meet people at university despite being put into a house rather than halls and only having 1 housemate in my first term there making the social aspect that I desperately needed very difficult. But I still don’t feel properly connected to anything and things regressed to the slumps I was familiar with and it has reached the stage now where I have finally started to be more honest with people, and admitting how things actually aren't going so great for me and I really for the first time want to put a proper plan into effect to get my life back on track as I came to the realization that at the rate I was going I had not a single shadow of a doubt that I was going to end up with nothing if I let this continue. I had not gone onto campus once over the last month of my first term at university I didn't go to any lectures or show my face at any social event either with my friends at university or my old ones in the last month of term and was spending money unjustifiably, working up an overdraft and list of unpaid bills that I have no way of paying off without pulling myself together.

Being home for the Christmas break I have noticed a drive come back that I haven’t felt in a while and I feel that whether it was my lack of thinking prior to going or due to the circumstances I am under at university I am more unable to function than ever and just blank everything out. In the last month of term although I was in the darkest point of my life, I wasn't using drugs at all due to being out of money. Even short passages of sobriety would usually give me the energy and clear mindedness to go and do something constructive and at least account for some of my lack of commitment to anything but found that in that month despite not using drugs to push things out of my mind, I didn't feel any of the guilt that I had previously on at least some level which has at probably been the only thing keeping me somewhat on track. I am now dreading going back to University next term and am honestly fearful of what could happen if I do as I am not feeling remorse for anything and the only way I was able to pick myself out of the last slump was coming home and realizing that I can change this all if I put my mind to it.

What I want to do is take the rest of this year trying to fix things in my life and I honestly do not believe that will be possible for me at university and that the familiar cycle I slip into is just too inevitable. I want to try something else and just completely start off fresh with the eagerness, frustration and realization that I've totally wasted 3 of the most important years of my life. I want to be working and get back healthy and fit and start picking up hobbies again to really try and rediscover myself.

I feel like if I explained this whole story to my mum and friends then maybe they would understand my thinking as I genuinely do feel I could turn things around now and have lost interest in drugs, I want to be responsible and have the willingness to not get into these situations where I have to avoid everything and try to put things straight but know that facing the mess I have caused myself at university would be too big a step and I will slip into the same state of nothingness which I have previously. I now feel torn however as I know truthfully I can drop out of university whenever I want and put this plan in to effect but I’m so scared of how I would feel disappointing my family by dropping out after just a term and don’t feel I can justify it without sounding so attention seeking and full of angst which I fear doing as I worry about people thinking I exaggerate the truth and am just pleading for some sympathy or attempting to justify my behavior which has obviously caused trouble and frustration for many people which counteracts itself in me actually lying due to thinking the truth sounds like a lie.

I almost feel like things have gone upside down partly in a good way now, I am craving being sober and fresh minded instead of distant from reality but feel like my thought processes make more sense in the lies that I tell people than they do in the truth so still can’t fully face it. Sometimes I don’t understand why I do things, and trying to explain that to people is impossible without sounding like you are trying to make excuses for yourself. However I now feel sick of this situation and now do feel I am making excuses for myself, I am not going to be content with letting this doubt take over my life and I am so desperate to find activity in my life and feel human again.

I found it difficult to explain why for over 3 years I didn't tell a single person a thing about any of this so went to my best efforts to summarize my thought process in the following paragraph:.

I just want to fit in and be confident in myself again and not find it impossible to remain productive for any lengthened period of time. I want to achieve and impress and have nobody to blame but myself for failing this. I don't want to be special, just fit in and able to show a passion for something and rediscover qualities and a sense of depth. I have known for sometime I need to try and explain EVERYTHING to someone as I was way beyond being to able to cope by myself, but at the same time I don’t want people to treat me with sympathy because they think I’m troubled and consequently I've been scared to admit the truth to anyone and have been trying to contain so much that I've just been unable to even think about adding anything else onto the giant load I feel against me or how I could possibly even start to fix the broken pieces and instead do nothing. What I really needed was for someone to see through my ******** and realize that I had been hiding so much. Also, if I manage to gain some sense of perspective and look at my situation from an outsiders viewpoint it just seems weak minded on my part which also embarrasses me and just fills me with more guilt because if I honestly look at the situation it should be easy to solve. I fell into a point where I followed such a cliched path to self destruction but I was missing the naivety factor, that is to say I was well aware I was developing a problem - just I still couldn't bring myself to do anything about it.

That's about it, like I say if you made it this far thank you thank you SO much. I am 99% sure I can push this feeling into a real change but there is that 1% of me that still believes that maybe I don't have the ability to improve and that dropping out of university to take time to show myself some care and start to rebuild myself and that all I am doing is subconsciously admitting defeat to myself and dropping out of Uni to truly give up on everything and that fear is enough to hold me back at the moment and is what I want to really aim towards conquering.

Again, thank you.

- Toby

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, TobysFreshStart!

What I want to do is take the rest of this year trying to fix things in my life and I honestly do not believe that will be possible for me at university and that the familiar cycle I slip into is just too inevitable.

I agree. Break the cycle. Bravo on seeking assistance to effect the change!

[avlady]

Originally Posted by TobysFreshStart

Hi guys. My name's Toby and recently I've come to terms with just how bad a state I had gotten myself into and made the first massive step today in seeing a councilor and for the first time in 3 or 4 years telling someone the truth about how my life was going and the roller coaster of emotions I was experiencing.

I now feel talking to someone was the best step I could have possibly taken and I want to share my story with more people and see their outlooks too, so I will paste the document I read to my councilor today.

If you do take the time to read it all - thank you. Your time means so much to me. Please tell me how you see things from where you stand if you can. (Also I apologise if some things seem to be repeated a lot, it would be easy to read this as a scrawly trail of my conscience.)

"When I was at junior school up to the age of 13 I didn't mind what people thought of me. I excelled in sports, acting and when I could put my mind to it, I was a great student, however have been told from an early age that I have the potential to do so much but that it is wasted and I only show this potential in glimpses.

However when I moved on to a private, expensive boarding school I began to rapidly lose confidence. It affected my personality and I felt shy and awkward and had a dark month long period for the first time very shortly after joining when I was unable to sleep for more than a few hours a night. I felt like the world was against me, that I was losing my personality and was constantly nervous and in my shell unless I was around my best friends. I started regularly lying to my parents, telling them that everything was going great and they had no need to worry about me.

When I started going to parties and drinking I loved the confidence it gave me and I felt that I had the talents back that I’d lost and could be myself around strangers but also a better me. I was only drinking on rare occasions being in a strict boarding school and only 15. I picked up smoking soon after though and I think at that point the feeling of the world being against me began to outweigh my guilt and I felt the rush of rebellion. If I look back to it now the best way to describe it now would be that I felt I had lost my personality completely and wanted to find anything that would make me stand out in some way like I used to when I was still good at things that I had a real passion for.

At this point I had a small but really close group of friends and it was only around them that I could truly be myself, more so than when with my family but over time I seemed to lose interest in everything and found it impossible to motivate myself to do anything constructive. My grades dropped awfully, I was constantly in trouble and found that I was unable to deal with pressure and would just lock up. Even after failing to meet deadlines I would always leave things to the last minute of the second chance I was always given and at still complete the tasks at halfhearted efforts.

I began to feel really guilty again and would improve things for short periods of time but still but never learnt my lesson and things kept getting progressively worse and I was starting to feel that even around my friends I felt awkward and would often think to myself that I had no attributes that would make me interesting to anyone, at this point I realized smoking was a stupid idea but I didn't even have the motivation to try to stop. I carried on losing interest in everything and felt like I was drifting through the days and wasn't learning anything. I lost belief that I could achieve anything and felt this constant self pity.

It was around this time that I first tried weed. The rebellion rush was amazing being in a strict boarding school shortly after my roommate had been expelled for the same thing. But the feeling was incredible too and when I was high I felt so creative and I could keep people entertained with conversations for hours. I was only doing it on very rare occasions and started to smoke it with new people and made friends that I would consider close for the first time in a few years. I wasn't getting caught and my grades hadn't dropped so I think at that time weed was fine and had no negative effects on me and gave me the creativity I had lost, I got a lead role in one of the school plays after being turned down for even a chrous role for the 2 years I had been at the school on a scholarship that was given mainly for my talents in drama.

I started to feel like I was getting my personality back and showing skills that made me interesting and gave people outside of my friendship group a reason to like me again and I have no doubt that smoking weed on rare occasions like I was then was beneficial for me and I was much happier with myself. My grades picked up and teachers had noted improvements, I began to feel that I could smoke weed more often since I was only seeing positive rewards from it. But as I did smoke more often I was beginning to convince myself that when I was high I was doing something beneficial due to the rewards I had earned previously. I began to get lazy and things started going downhill to a stage where they were worse than before.

I scraped through my GCSE's spending the vast majority of the study period smoking weed and getting drunk in the day with friends unable to contemplate putting effort into work. Yet I felt so guilty for wasting the opportunities I'd been given, my mother trying everything to keep me at the school, only possible with a bursary they had provided to aid us in our financial situation and I had truly thrown that all away.

I stopped smoking weed for a few months and it really helped me get healthy again, I felt a lot fresher generally and more intelligent and despite losing the extra scholarship they had given me I was feeling very positive over the summer before going to a sixth form at the opposite end of the country to do my A levels. My mum noticed the change in my attitude and took the blame for me being unable to finish my time at the private school due to not being able to afford the fees, and at that time I had learnt my mistake and dismissed it as a phase that I had grown out of. I still never told her the truth about the troubles I had gone through due to guilt and fear of upsetting her. I felt really confident before starting at college however, but when I joined I began to feel uninteresting again, it was like everyone at college thought I was weird and nobody thought anything of me there and I had nothing worthy to earn their time of day. I just couldn’t seem to function on a social level at all. This feeling grew quickly and I was beginning to completely disassociate myself from anyone at the college. Over the year I was there I met nobody I would call a true friend, and I knew it was mainly at my fault. I never revealed anything to anyone and was very quiet, I would sit there in lessons and just say nothing, I had ideas in my head but had no confidence to say them. I felt totally isolated, my old school friends made rare efforts to keep in contact with me and I would only hear from them if I got in touch with them first.

I started to feel really depressed at this time. I felt I had absolutely zero winning attributes, that it was already too late after only about a month of college to change the image I felt I had created of myself of being quiet, strange and uninteresting. I would literally go through the days talking to nobody but my mum, only having the confidence to talk if I was spoken to first. I felt like I was inconveniencing people by talking to them, that I would be an annoyance and felt that my quietness made me seem creepy. I had really lost contact with anyone I had previously called a friend apart from my 2 best friends who I am in regular contact with today but at who that time would never contact me first and hadn't ever invited me to come back and visit.

I started to feel an utter despair and self doubt in myself and wouldn't try things, either telling myself that I couldn't do things before I'd even tried them, or finding that even if something did interest me and got me to display confidence through my work the appeal would wear out literally within days and I was unable to commit to anything. I began not going into college or just leaving without telling anyone at some point in the day. I wasn't telling my mum and I would lie to her on a regular basis, telling her that I not only I had been in full attendance but that teachers were singing my praises.

I started to lie more and more often, and honestly felt it was the only way to make people show any interest in me. But I still just couldn't get a grasp on anything and shortly I wasn't turning up to college for up to 2 weeks at a time, telling my mum the whole time that I was in everyday. It was at this point that I lost any self respect for myself, I felt pathetic and that everyone viewed me that way. I felt unloved and unwanted and began to turn against myself but just wasn’t able to motivate myself enough to even properly try and do anything about it. I began to feel depressed and hated myself so much and the fact that I still couldn't pick myself up enough to change things despite this drove me against myself.

I was just looking back at everything I had lost but as much as it tore me apart inside I still had no fight to do anything about it. I started smoking weed again but this time not for a creative purpose but as a way of escape from the reality that I have been unable to face. I was down to roughly a 30% attendance average halfway through the second term and was doing the bare minimum to avoid getting into real trouble but was beginning to smoke weed more and more regularly. Whenever I would manage to muster up the effort to go back into college I would realize how much work I had missed and I how much I had to do to make up for it due to being that far behind. I would reflect on the situation I would always get myself into and I had nobody to blame but myself for it and would drive myself into this pit of self hate where I would breakdown over how I felt I had become this emotionless person who didn't have a perspective on anything and who seemed to have lost the ability to get a grip on anything meaningful.

I knew I was on a bad path but could not begin to contemplate asking for help despite the fact that everyone was worried about me. I started to get back in touch with friends I hadn't spoken to in a long time but seemed to be unable to create any interesting conversation without lying and I began doing so more frequently and more dramatically, desperately trying to keep people convinced that I was happy and that everything was going well for me. This actually really helped me for some time and I stopped smoking weed again and I felt more positive and managed to get reasonable grades in my first year of sixth form. I moved back to my old house and was close to my old friends again for the second year of college, which I honestly gave up on within 2 or 3 weeks.

I again felt inadequate of anybodies time and was quiet and in fact worse than I was the previous year when I had been so convinced that a change of location could have been the resolve, I was lonely but telling my friends and family otherwise the whole time. I began to realize how awful it was that I had lied to so many people and started to feel so much guilt fueled hate at myself and shut off completely again. The longest I went without smoking weed was over the course of the year was 3 weeks on 2 separate occasions, otherwise I was smoking just to have something to do mainly on a daily basis and as a way to put off the huge amount of **** I had accumulated on top of me through this endless circle of what at this point I thought was just procrastination and still believed I would somehow at some point regain the motivation to get things straight but couldn't drag myself to make an active change.

I knew it was my entire fault but was still unable to do anything about it and pretty much agreed with myself that I would scrape by on the bare minimum yet again at this college and start fresh at university. Every time I would find any bit of motivation to better myself I would just reflect at who I had become and give up time after time. I started to experiment with other drugs, only on rare occasions because as much as I loved trying them they did scare me and I began to use drink in a similar way to I did weed, escaping the facts. I know weed is awful for me in the long run but I constantly reach this state of self loathing where I let things mount up to a level where I can’t foresee being able to deal with things and just feel like a total lost cause and weed was the best way to help me out of those times where I’ve honestly felt completely helpless.

Yet I would still never really ask for help despite my clear knowledge that I needed to be truthful with in fact anyone about it because as I had disguised the truth about what I was going to from everybody and felt that I didn't deserve anybodies help. There have been occasions when I have been unable to help breaking down completely in front of my mum and have revealed elements of the truth but not everything and have always denied drug use. Instead I was again pretending to everyone that my life was going great or on the up and that I was really happy.

I was a ghost at college, more so than before – Coming in for just a couple of days every few weeks. Around this stage I began to feel that I was an absolute zombie, I did nothing, I talked to nobody and was high a lot of the time but was for the first time feeling desperately sad whilst I was high rather than it delaying the guilt until when I ran out of weed and counteracted it by repeating the cycle.

This pushed me into first trying MDMA, it has done incredible things for me but at the same time made things plummet even further in terms of how I feel about life. I was again only doing it on very very rare occasions and in very small quantities but when I took it I viewed life so positively and it has been the best way I have managed to identify my own flaws. It would help me to think about how I was being viewed at from the outside on a rational level and that I wasn't weird and no different from anyone else, and that I was perfectly fine talking to strangers if I had even just one friend with me so there was no reason I should find it so impossible by myself. I realized small things I could do to help rebuild the social skills I had completely lost.

My friendships have tightened so strongly from my experimentation with the drug as it has made me able to see people in far more depth than ever before and gives me the ability to understand them, I have stopped lying as a way of getting any form of attention but still do when confronted by someone checking whether I’m alright when I do just drift out of society completely. Numerous friends have told me that I was able to identify things in them whilst on MDMA that they had subconsciously known were holding them back but never admitted and have bettered themselves on it. I felt like I had something to offer and I was likable again and my friends would always come to me for advice whenever they needed it and I loved to help them boost their own self esteems but was unable to admit I probably needed help a lot more than they did.

I had still only tried it about 5 times and in small increments by January of last year and this was because I was truly scared of what it could do to me if I took it too much as I see the empty shell I become when I smoke large quantities of weed for prolonged periods of time and feel I don’t have the strength to even try giving it up despite the fact I hate what I become on it. I think the trouble was that at this point I hated myself whether I was taking anything or if I was actually sober and doing something productive and at least if I was taking something it was numbing the soul wrenching pain I was repeatedly working myself up into.

I was also scared of the comedowns of MDMA, I’d only taken small amounts and would still be very low for days afterwards, but I was able to just counteract that with weed. However obviously with the road I was taking things were never going to get anything than worse and I started to feel really worried, helpless and sad despite smoking more weed than I ever had before.

There was one occasion where I had been feeling really down for a period of about a month and had gone to see my old friends for the first time in a while and when I was there felt so blank and again that I was unable to get the confidence to even construct a sentence around my own best friends. We went out that night and I took a cocktail of drugs including about 4 times more MDMA than I ever had before and threw out all the rules I had set myself about taking the drug.

The come down was horrible and for weeks I was unbearably unhappy, I was at this point living at home by myself on weekdays and nothing was there to hold me turning myself into this absolute train wreck of as person. I lost weight rapidly and rarely went out to do anything and when I did I felt more worthless to anyone than before and would even find myself having to try to stop myself crying from being so nervous from talking to people I didn't really know. I would sleep late until the afternoon, up to 14 hours a day and struggle to even get out of bed and when I did I felt completely dead inside, emotionless and exhausted.

My friends were worried about me and when they were giving me the attention I so desperately needed I couldn't bring myself to talk about it and, not wanting to keep on lying I ended up ignoring them completely, not responding to anyone for weeks. I learnt my lesson from this and didn't take MDMA at all for 6 months. I also stopped smoking so much weed as I was now struggling financially from funding my habits and was using the money I was being given from my mum for my buses to college and for standard living necessities to buy my weed instead.

I still felt very disconnected from everything and really began to feel I had lost the ability to care about anything enough to try to pull myself together in the way I knew I had to and I began to notice I was still losing a lot of weight and people began to comment on how skinny I looked. But for some reason I was gradually getting my self confidence back and I felt I was making progress in re-establishing a sense character. I stopped smoking weed too for 3 months and although I was unable to motivate myself into any form of regular attendance at college I managed to scrape the grades I needed for university.

University was a choice I truthfully hadn't really thought through much at all but just thought that it was the only sensible thing for me to do as I had lost all employable skills over the past years. I knew though that I had no desire for the learning aspects but instead was convinced that the opportunity at being thrown into social situations would help me to get some confidence back. Unfortunately none of my university plans worked out well at all from the start, and although they are issues that I should at least have attempted to improve and probably could have if I faced them at an early stage, I locked up and struggled through it instead, hating it and driving myself back into a depression.

Nothing was living up to my expectations and nobody else seemed to be having the same troubles as me and the isolation started to come back. Again I was reluctant to ask for help and told everyone I was enjoying university but felt like I was going nowhere and that I had no interest in what I had supposedly worked 2 years for. I ended up smoking weed regularly and in large quantities again and still felt constantly sad and as things started to mount up in the same way I started to feel hopeless again and that I was too deep into a pit to get out of. I felt immensely sad and started taking MDMA again in larger and larger quantities, I do get the comedowns but have reached the stage recently where I often feel just as depressed as I do during a come down on a regular basis when I'm sober. When I reflect on all my faults and how I only had myself to blame for the seemingly endless downwards spiral I was on.

I was spending way over my budget, and within the first month of university I had spent the majority of my money for the year mostly on going out with my old friends and spending any money I had on drugs to push the thoughts out of my head that were honestly tearing me apart inside.

Although seeing my friends more regularly was definitely helping me to rebuild character which was allowed me to meet people at university despite being put into a house rather than halls and only having 1 housemate in my first term there making the social aspect that I desperately needed very difficult. But I still don’t feel properly connected to anything and things regressed to the slumps I was familiar with and it has reached the stage now where I have finally started to be more honest with people, and admitting how things actually aren't going so great for me and I really for the first time want to put a proper plan into effect to get my life back on track as I came to the realization that at the rate I was going I had not a single shadow of a doubt that I was going to end up with nothing if I let this continue. I had not gone onto campus once over the last month of my first term at university I didn't go to any lectures or show my face at any social event either with my friends at university or my old ones in the last month of term and was spending money unjustifiably, working up an overdraft and list of unpaid bills that I have no way of paying off without pulling myself together.

Being home for the Christmas break I have noticed a drive come back that I haven’t felt in a while and I feel that whether it was my lack of thinking prior to going or due to the circumstances I am under at university I am more unable to function than ever and just blank everything out. In the last month of term although I was in the darkest point of my life, I wasn't using drugs at all due to being out of money. Even short passages of sobriety would usually give me the energy and clear mindedness to go and do something constructive and at least account for some of my lack of commitment to anything but found that in that month despite not using drugs to push things out of my mind, I didn't feel any of the guilt that I had previously on at least some level which has at probably been the only thing keeping me somewhat on track. I am now dreading going back to University next term and am honestly fearful of what could happen if I do as I am not feeling remorse for anything and the only way I was able to pick myself out of the last slump was coming home and realizing that I can change this all if I put my mind to it.

What I want to do is take the rest of this year trying to fix things in my life and I honestly do not believe that will be possible for me at university and that the familiar cycle I slip into is just too inevitable. I want to try something else and just completely start off fresh with the eagerness, frustration and realization that I've totally wasted 3 of the most important years of my life. I want to be working and get back healthy and fit and start picking up hobbies again to really try and rediscover myself.

I feel like if I explained this whole story to my mum and friends then maybe they would understand my thinking as I genuinely do feel I could turn things around now and have lost interest in drugs, I want to be responsible and have the willingness to not get into these situations where I have to avoid everything and try to put things straight but know that facing the mess I have caused myself at university would be too big a step and I will slip into the same state of nothingness which I have previously. I now feel torn however as I know truthfully I can drop out of university whenever I want and put this plan in to effect but I’m so scared of how I would feel disappointing my family by dropping out after just a term and don’t feel I can justify it without sounding so attention seeking and full of angst which I fear doing as I worry about people thinking I exaggerate the truth and am just pleading for some sympathy or attempting to justify my behavior which has obviously caused trouble and frustration for many people which counteracts itself in me actually lying due to thinking the truth sounds like a lie.

I almost feel like things have gone upside down partly in a good way now, I am craving being sober and fresh minded instead of distant from reality but feel like my thought processes make more sense in the lies that I tell people than they do in the truth so still can’t fully face it. Sometimes I don’t understand why I do things, and trying to explain that to people is impossible without sounding like you are trying to make excuses for yourself. However I now feel sick of this situation and now do feel I am making excuses for myself, I am not going to be content with letting this doubt take over my life and I am so desperate to find activity in my life and feel human again.

I found it difficult to explain why for over 3 years I didn't tell a single person a thing about any of this so went to my best efforts to summarize my thought process in the following paragraph:.

I just want to fit in and be confident in myself again and not find it impossible to remain productive for any lengthened period of time. I want to achieve and impress and have nobody to blame but myself for failing this. I don't want to be special, just fit in and able to show a passion for something and rediscover qualities and a sense of depth. I have known for sometime I need to try and explain EVERYTHING to someone as I was way beyond being to able to cope by myself, but at the same time I don’t want people to treat me with sympathy because they think I’m troubled and consequently I've been scared to admit the truth to anyone and have been trying to contain so much that I've just been unable to even think about adding anything else onto the giant load I feel against me or how I could possibly even start to fix the broken pieces and instead do nothing. What I really needed was for someone to see through my ******** and realize that I had been hiding so much. Also, if I manage to gain some sense of perspective and look at my situation from an outsiders viewpoint it just seems weak minded on my part which also embarrasses me and just fills me with more guilt because if I honestly look at the situation it should be easy to solve. I fell into a point where I followed such a cliched path to self destruction but I was missing the naivety factor, that is to say I was well aware I was developing a problem - just I still couldn't bring myself to do anything about it.

That's about it, like I say if you made it this far thank you thank you SO much. I am 99% sure I can push this feeling into a real change but there is that 1% of me that still believes that maybe I don't have the ability to improve and that dropping out of university to take time to show myself some care and start to rebuild myself and that all I am doing is subconsciously admitting defeat to myself and dropping out of Uni to truly give up on everything and that fear is enough to hold me back at the moment and is what I want to really aim towards conquering.

Again, thank you.

- Toby

well I made it through your story it sounds like you're beating yourself up over everything. there are so many times in my life I know that i shouldn't have had that onee beer or ciggarrette, but it made me feel better until it gets out of control. I'm no pshyciatrist but you seem strong enough to get through anything now that you've put it in perspective. I'm learning this just now because of you. you don't know what you've just done to me by admitting all this stuff, people have diferent ways of reacting to stories such as your, and I think anyone that actually would listen and get something from it just because you just admitted things to yourself and others you maybe didn't want to believe or couldn't get a grip on the situations you were led to.Thanks you've helped me-katie

[TobysFreshStart]

Thank you so much for your kind words and I'm so glad that this actually helped you!

Hey Toby, it seems that your heart is the only thing that won’t quit. You have a strong constitution to please your mom and friends and not yourself. Certainly, these factors can help. But in these days of relentless emotional and psychological pressures—when stress is blamed for every malady—there emerges some new strength factors. I feel that you really want to be a survivor, you want to resist stress, you want to stay committed to what you want to do, you want to feel in control of your life and, to sum it all up, you need to see some personal positive changes as a challenge rather than a threat to your life. This is where the tricky point starts: you have yet to find a sure functional way to stabilize during the better times and a realistic model method is in need in order to avoid using those drugs as a temporary means to anchor those better times that come from time to time. You might need to take the time away from your studies for a while yet. Because the warning signs of failure are going back to drugs during stressful situations, then you need to avoid all stressful events as well as trouble. Please stay focused on the higher simplistic opportunities that you are familiar with and able to handle without pressure. Do this so that you will not disappoint yourself with failure by moving back to using drugs for temporary relief. You know that using is only fooling yourself and putting off the obvious.

It helps so much that you’ve taken a great deal of words to explain why you’ve gone from exploring the good notions of your life and then as stress enters in to the picture you backslide to the pessimistic notion that you don’t have the initiative to take control of the circumstances. Typically, you have a fairly good idea that you have to be consistent and strive to be an honest and healthier person, which is your practical, common sense speaking out.

At this point, I agree with you that going on with university studies may not be in your best interest. Take the time off to find your true feelings. This is the better idea at the moment.

Tabby