[whenwillitend]

where did my life go? what happened? five minutes ago i was young, hot, i had a great job, i had friends, i had a life. i was suicidal. i didn't appreciate anything i had. iwas the poster child for "youth is wasted on the young". and now it' sover. i don't get to do it all over. it's gone. i blew it.

and now, my hair is turning grey, i look terrible, i can't even keep a job i'm really good at. everything i built over the last decade is gone. i lost everything i had.

it hurts.

i don't have th estrength to start over again.

i can't do it all over agin.

i can't deal with the pain anymore.

[ManicD]

You don't have to do it all over again. Maybe this is the chance to do something different. You can do anything you like.

[frownupsidedown]

Sorry to hear you are in so much pain--I can relate. 15 years ago I had a very full life--got my PhD, travelled the world, knew what I wanted to do and felt like I was helping others. That changed and I am no longer young, very overweight, tired, unemployed, on disability, and alone. Life is NOT fair. I've been told to not concentrate on my past since I can not change it but to focus on the now--this is so difficult to do to stay in this moment. My mind is constantly thinking why did this happen, what caused it--I guess I need to focus on how can I change what I am now to make myself feel better. Succeeding in that is difficult and I'm in a battle everyday to not focus on my past regrets but to focus on the now.

I wish you the best. You are not alone.

frownupsidedown

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

where did my life go? what happened? five minutes ago i was young, hot, i had a great job, i had friends, i had a life. i was suicidal. i didn't appreciate anything i had. iwas the poster child for "youth is wasted on the young". and now it' sover. i don't get to do it all over. it's gone. i blew it.

and now, my hair is turning grey, i look terrible, i can't even keep a job i'm really good at. everything i built over the last decade is gone. i lost everything i had.

it hurts.

i don't have th estrength to start over again.

i can't do it all over agin.

i can't deal with the pain anymore.

[GreyThinker]

I understand where you are coming from. You say that everything you have built over the past decade has gone, so I gather something has happened ... besides the growing old and grey ... and now apparently losing your job which you enjoyed and gave you satisfaction. It is no wonder you are feeling low and unmotivated and in pain. I don't know of any words I can give that will take these feelings away, apart from giving you a long hug and saying that all things pass, though it never feels like it at the time. I understand that the pain of all this loss can be awful. Can you just allow yourself time to grieve and not think about what you are going to do next, for a while? You might find the strength to move on later, after, once this initial wave of sadness passes. Just hold on, just a bit longer. Tomorrow might be a better day.

[whenwillitend]

tomorrow's not better. tomorrows never better. ther3e is no such thing as " beter".

and now the bank emptied both our accounts. to the last penny. there wasnt much in the savings account anyway, and now there is a "minimum balance fee" that has never been there before, and that fee is, surprise surprise, the exact amount we had in there. checking account,we had enough left for me to pay my pdoc, who hasn't seen a dime from me yet, and she's been seeing me for a few months now. but, bank decided we owe them too, everything that was left in there, down to the 18 cents. oh, and the moeny for my car insurance was still in there too.

i am so tired. i am so effing tired.

and everyday more and more gets added to it.

i'm so fed up.

[avlady]

remember at one point somethings were good, we're getting older and have to roll with the changes with the help of each other i sound like a journey song, and actually how I get through my bad days i put music on and actually listen to the words but see the words differently than before ,I know I learned something which makes me happy and I enjoy getting older and wiser that is what is happening to me now. You can make a new start and do things and see things differently

[whenwillitend]

but see, things were never good.they were a bit better, but not good.

grew up with daily abuse. moved out and developed anorexia. two years. always broke. constantly suicidal. driving around at night trying to muster up the strength to hit a tree. considered taking home the big can of horse tranqjuilizer from work. started cutting. got married and moved across the world. now severely suicidal because i lost my independence. mor cutting, first suicide attempt. the first of many.spent the next years trying to get my life back. many many hospitalizations. almost divorce. twice. prozac made me double my weight in three months. useless pdoc didn't care.

since then, a neverending cycle of depression, suicide attempts, cutting, feeling better, getting knocked back down, never having any money, bad things happening all the time,......

things were never good. my life has never been truly enhoyable.

[frownupsidedown]

Sounds so familiar--I too am often suicidal and had many attempts, many hospitalizations, and I know of others that suffer in the same way. Have you ever taken DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy)? At first I resisted DBT, but some of the coping skills it teaches do end up helping and I know of many people that changed their lives completely.

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

but see, things were never good.they were a bit better, but not good.

grew up with daily abuse. moved out and developed anorexia. two years. always broke. constantly suicidal. driving around at night trying to muster up the strength to hit a tree. considered taking home the big can of horse tranqjuilizer from work. started cutting. got married and moved across the world. now severely suicidal because i lost my independence. mor cutting, first suicide attempt. the first of many.spent the next years trying to get my life back. many many hospitalizations. almost divorce. twice. prozac made me double my weight in three months. useless pdoc didn't care.

since then, a neverending cycle of depression, suicide attempts, cutting, feeling better, getting knocked back down, never having any money, bad things happening all the time,......

things were never good. my life has never been truly enhoyable.

[roads]

are you alone now?

[whenwillitend]

yes, i've done dbt. didn't erally do much. i don't know if it was done properly though. it was my old therapist.

i'm not alone. my husband is here and the kids, they're in bed though.

'm feeling more dead than alive.

[GreyThinker]

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

tomorrow's not better. tomorrows never better. ther3e is no such thing as " beter".

and now the bank emptied both our accounts. to the last penny. there wasnt much in the savings account anyway, and now there is a "minimum balance fee" that has never been there before, and that fee is, surprise surprise, the exact amount we had in there. checking account,we had enough left for me to pay my pdoc, who hasn't seen a dime from me yet, and she's been seeing me for a few months now. but, bank decided we owe them too, everything that was left in there, down to the 18 cents. oh, and the moeny for my car insurance was still in there too

i am so tired. i am so effing tired.I
and everyday more and more gets added to it.

i'm so fed up.

What the bank did was really sucky and really wrong. I am sorry they treated you like that.