[kitsune_girl]

First of all I just want to apologize for my many posts (I feel like I've been making a lot). Also for not responding to most of the comments. I've been really busy lately with college, but I'll try my best to this time.

Anyway a new semester just started Monday. I'm glad to be starting off fresh with new people instead of the ones last semester who most likely found me awkward. I really really don't want this semester to be like the last one. I want to make friends that I can hang out with and be happy. I actually started speaking to these two girls in my History class. I'm happy, but I'm also scared. I'm pretty good at making acquaintances, but I'm awful at making those acquaintances into friends. After awhile they usually just stop talking to me. My grandma told me it only ends that way because I expect it to, but that's the only way I can think. I don't want to anymore! When someone starts a conversation with me I'm so happy and also so nervous that I start staring off into space not hearing a thing that person said. So I don't respond. And I'm guessing that's what drives them away. I have to concentrate super hard to be able to listen to them.

I just want some advice on how to quit being so scared of the acquaintances I meet just stop talking to me. I know I can't be good friends with all of my acquaintances, but I just want to be able to talk to them without worrying about that.

[shortandcute]

I'm not really sure what advice to give you because I struggle with similar issues. BUT-I will you this: you don't need to apologize, and I hope you KEEP posting on here whenever you can.

[agma]

I hope someone has advice on this because I struggle with the same thing.

[NoCake]

Yeah I'll bet you try to think of something to say and either nothing comes out or something really weird comes out. Been there... I come back every other day... It's hard to give exact advice because everyone has different reasons for these things happening.

But your grandmother is right. They tend to be right about everything... I think if you just concentrate on having fun with people then you won't really have that problem - or it won't be as bad anyway. Worrying about things makes it harder for us to be ourselves that's all.

And don't stop posting.

[GreyThinker]

kitsune_girl, I hope this won't be your last post . Starting off fresh is good, and you seem prepared to look at how you are behaving and change if that seems to be putting people off. You already seem to be in the lucky position that people will talk to you, so it is not as if everyone avoids you, so that's a point in your favour! Now, when people talk to you and you get all nervous and look off into space, is this because you are not sure what to say in return? If so, can I suggest you not worry too much about that? People love a good listener so if you can just calm down a bit and smile and nod, most people will quite happily chat away for a while by themselves. If they ask a question, there is no harm, at first, admitting you are not sure what to say. Shy quiet people make lovely friends, so believe that in yourself. One thing you said though, that might put people off - when people talk to you, you find yourself staring off into space.... try to pull yourself back when you notice that and make eye contact and smile so the talker does not feel they are boring you. Some people, myself included, actually find it easier to concentrate if they can look away every now and then (if eyes are not involved too, means ears can work harder). Most people are not offended so long as they are re-connected with, especially if you comment on something they said. Oh, and here is a tip I was given... if you feel they are waiting for a response, and you are stuck for words, repeat back to them one of the last things they said. You could even make it into a question which will get them talking again for a while . This is actually a technique counsellors use to get people talking, it works . I hope you enjoy your first few days and have fun, kitsune. Please do come back and tell us how it goes, whether disastrous or great!

[shlump]

Originally Posted by GreyThinker

kitsune_girl, I hope this won't be your last post . Starting off fresh is good, and you seem prepared to look at how you are behaving and change if that seems to be putting people off. You already seem to be in the lucky position that people will talk to you, so it is not as if everyone avoids you, so that's a point in your favour! Now, when people talk to you and you get all nervous and look off into space, is this because you are not sure what to say in return? If so, can I suggest you not worry too much about that? People love a good listener so if you can just calm down a bit and smile and nod, most people will quite happily chat away for a while by themselves. If they ask a question, there is no harm, at first, admitting you are not sure what to say. Shy quiet people make lovely friends, so believe that in yourself. One thing you said though, that might put people off - when people talk to you, you find yourself staring off into space.... try to pull yourself back when you notice that and make eye contact and smile so the talker does not feel they are boring you. Some people, myself included, actually find it easier to concentrate if they can look away every now and then (if eyes are not involved too, means ears can work harder). Most people are not offended so long as they are re-connected with, especially if you comment on something they said. Oh, and here is a tip I was given... if you feel they are waiting for a response, and you are stuck for words, repeat back to them one of the last things they said. You could even make it into a question which will get them talking again for a while . This is actually a technique counsellors use to get people talking, it works . I hope you enjoy your first few days and have fun, kitsune. Please do come back and tell us how it goes, whether disastrous or great!

This is perfect advice. Especially the repeating the last thing they said. Gives you a sec to put your words together and they get a reward from you by letting them know what they said mattered. Can't go wrong on that one.

Good luck

[kitsune_girl]

I appreciate all the answers!

Yeah I agree that I just need to relax more. In fact I don't even know what I'm so tense about. I guess I'm just afraid of being judged or like my grandma said, I'm thinking too much about what to say. *sigh* So my solution I guess would just be to relax and not worry so much about whether or not people are judging me. lol

[RJ78]

Yeah, and even though it's quite difficult, try not to formulate a response to what someone is saying to you while they're speaking...sometimes I focus on something specific, like the tip of their nose, the movement of their lips or the colour of their eyes to take my mind off of whatever it is that I'm focusing on.

Good luck, you seem like a kind person

RJ

[montanan4ever]

There's a good old fashioned way to be a good conversationalist: Get the other person to talk about themselves, and ask questions about what they tell you. It takes some practice, but one of the marvelous things about being in college is getting to be around different people each semester.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by kitsune_girl

First of all I just want to apologize for my many posts (I feel like I've been making a lot). Also for not responding to most of the comments. I've been really busy lately with college, but I'll try my best to this time.

Anyway a new semester just started Monday. I'm glad to be starting off fresh with new people instead of the ones last semester who most likely found me awkward. I really really don't want this semester to be like the last one. I want to make friends that I can hang out with and be happy. I actually started speaking to these two girls in my History class. I'm happy, but I'm also scared. I'm pretty good at making acquaintances, but I'm awful at making those acquaintances into friends. After awhile they usually just stop talking to me. My grandma told me it only ends that way because I expect it to, but that's the only way I can think. I don't want to anymore! When someone starts a conversation with me I'm so happy and also so nervous that I start staring off into space not hearing a thing that person said. So I don't respond. And I'm guessing that's what drives them away. I have to concentrate super hard to be able to listen to them.

I just want some advice on how to quit being so scared of the acquaintances I meet just stop talking to me. I know I can't be good friends with all of my acquaintances, but I just want to be able to talk to them without worrying about that.

You did not make too many posts.

You just relax during the conversations. You need to find a way to relax to help your concentration.

Just remember over 80% of the communication is non verbal, so the advice about eye contact and posture help a lot.

Take care.

[Nammu]

Do you live on campus? I know it's hard now with tuition prices but it's a good and fairly safe way to learn to be around people. You can also join campus organizations, collage unlike high school is all new people who are all out their on their own too. Most of them are just as nervous inside, some are better at the conversation game, some are just better at hiding their nerves and some are just like you. You are just so nervous you haven't noticed. Just listen, don't think about what to say, just concentrate on what they are saying. Don't worry about what you are going to say, there's no test, no right, no wrong. Grey Thinker had great advice, if nothing else just repeat the last words they said. Since you will be listening you'll be able to do that. These are great days to have fun.

[Marcelo]

Have you (any of you with this issue) tried to explain to some prospect friend "hey, if I phase out please understand it's nothing personal, I just have a problem when I'm nervous, but if you shake me back into reality I really like talking to you... and I'll probably have the most amazing daydream to tell you about" ... or something like that?

Sometimes people just can't comprehend why you left them talking alone, and will just assume it as awkward, mean or weird, will try to put names to it and to people. Give them a chance to know where their foot is, and they will give you a chance back. Humans can be rational beings (most of the time). If they don't care, you probably better off finding some new friends

I have a friend that flies solo sometimes. We do shake her back in mid sentence hehehe.

As time passes and they stop being new for you, you stop being scared of them, and this will happen less and less. When you get used to have new people in your life, the issue tends to lessen.

And please, keep posting