[selket]

[ tried to minimize textblocks....i was not very succesful...sorry ]

Hello everyone.

Im 28, from germany and new to the forum, i have searched quite a bit the internet but i think this might be the place to ask my question.

since the last 2-3 weeks i can say that i am going through a very hard time. My life was never easy (divorce, severe bullying in school, changed highschool 5x due to my mothers "frequent love life") but i was always a very positive person. Not very outgoing, a bit introverted but there was not much that life threw at me that i couldnt handle.

There was one instance however when i was severely depressed, my soon to be fiance cheated on me and that threw me in a deep hole for about one year (2009) i came out of it.

I am transsexual (mtf) and as i do not have a good Degree so i was unemployed or doing hard minimum wage labour. I lived my after school life as a guy until i got offered a job in a foreign asian country. it was a well paying and highly respected job. I lived the last 6 years there and had 2 very serious relationships, many friends and was financially well off.

The relationships failed and i lost the job because Unpaid interns. So i thought...hell why not come back to germany and finally finish the whole transgender thingy. I was taking hormones for 2 years already so i thought it was a good idea.

Well coming back was the easy part. My experience doesnt count and i am unable to find even cleaning jobs. So i started the procedure, the first step was to find a Psychologist who writes me a document that diagnoses transsexuality. With this document i would have to go to the insurance. Easy i thought. I got the document gave it to the Insurance and tried to find an endocrinologist. That was the first time when i encountered very strong resistence in people.

I had called all endocrinologists in my area (100 mile radius) and everybody refused to treat me, some even said that they dont want to tarnish their Office with perverted filth like me (i translated this...in german it sounds a little bit more worse...trust me) Well i kept going and finally found a big Medical school who is willing to treat me.

Remember that i was taking hormones since 2 years....in germany i couldnt just walk into a pharmacy and buy the things...would be great if i could...however i knew it could take a while and before coming back i stocked up on hormones...

I got an appointment 4 months later. i asked very specifically which documents i need to bring. They asked if i was diagnosed with transsexuality and i said yes and the insurance has it, and accepted endocrinologist treatments. they said Alright come over.

one week before the appointment the **** hit the fan. I came out to my dad and he could not accept it and has spoken quite harsh words to me (he is this kind of person who advocates Gassing homosexuals and such) All of my friends (yes all....hard to believe i know) told me in nicer and not nicer ways that i should leave them alone. My ex Gf who knew all that and was quite ok with it told me about 1 hour after the thing with my dad, that she wanted to date a known pedophile and daterapist. Which made me quite furious to be honest. I think she might have said this because she wants me to stop connecting with her. But still, there are far nicer ways to tell someone they dont want contact anymore.

and then there was the appointment with the doctor. I had to drive 3 hours to get there. I had to wait 4 hours (i had an appointment at 8 he saw me at 12) and in the 5 minute conversation i had with the doctor he asked for the paper. I told him that he said its ok if the insurance has it (re-issuing the paper would cost around 50 bucks) he said...Oh sorry my bad. But we really need it, but we might not accept the diagnosis. So you might have to get an appoinment with a psychologist inhouse.

So they took blood samples and so on. and i might get an appointment in 3 months, where he will tell me that they need to take another bloodtest (since i am not on hormones anymore...they ran out now) wait 3 months again. Then most likely get the inhouse diagnosis...again wait 2-5 months for an appointment and then get another appointment to the endocrinologist after...3 months.

We add this together and it could be well over a year because of the doctor forgetting to tell me i need a paper....

I would love to go to speak to my psychologist, however the one i have is very bad. He wanted to prescribe me antidepressents when i was actually doing quite fine 1 minute after i entered the room. after i declined he was very insistent that i buy useless homeopathic healing water. Which i also declined. I told him that i know he wants to make some money and told him after my hormone treatment is approved and started that i will come once a month to him. Save income without him having to work. He accepted and 20 minutes later i got his fancy recommendation.

However if i change my psychologist now for my (hopefully temporary) depression that will by default invalidate the Recommendation for HRT.

So i found myself being depressed, my thoughts are going in circles and i am unable to make new friends because all i do is bore people with my bad situation. I am unfortunatly also unable to get professional help. I recently talked with my insurance and told them about the situation i explained to them that the long wait and incompetence will cost the insurance company alot of unneeded money. The person who works my case however is sick...so i cannot expect them to resolve the situation quickly.

The prospect of starting the HRT and officially go my way (namechange and so on) was the only thing that really kept me going despite all the other things, this hope has been crushed and appears unlikely to resolve quickly. I always counted myself as a strong person but honestly i am just functioning now.

I know i have to eat, so i force myself cooking healthy meals. I avoid alcohole, i get fresh air and take a walk. I try to listening to empowering music and watch funny movies.

After all that text, i dont know what the question actually is. I was always a realist. I fear that this depression might stay with me for a long time. In the past i was fortunate to have a good job and many friends (and quite the stack of "comfortcash") who helped me. Now i have nothing as such.

My first depression made me into a bit of a cold person. I am afraid that the new one will have a similar pricetag attached to it.

Are there any tips you guys know for my situation?

What are good ways to make friends (e.g. rebuild social life) during a depression?

What is good food that helps? (i currently eat 100% and organic Meat and vegetables. Spicy but very few sweets)


thank you for your patience.

alice

PS excuse my bad grammar, i am currenly not at my "peak".

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Selket!

I always counted myself as a strong person but honestly i am just functioning now.

I do not doubt you have been a strong person and may eventually return to a confident stability. Depression, however, can have cumulative effects over time. It can erode our basic resilience such that it takes less and less stress to push us back into a depressive episode.

Perhaps "just functioning" is what you currently need to recover. Now is the time to minimize stresses and "insults" to your system.

You have been on hormones and are seeking to restart them, yes? It is possible there may be a complex relationship between the hormones -- starting and/or stopping them -- and your depression. A pharmacologist or a psychopharmacologist might be able to counsel you on that issue.

Again, welcome, and please keep posting.

[selket]

Thank you for your reply rohag. I had a talk with someone i just met a few days ago. She gave me alot of insights in how to make our Big gov state a bit more workable. I am not sure if the tips she gave me will work, but i guess i will find out on monday.

Some very unexpected good news by the way. I still found a bottle of hormones kinda hidden away in my suitcase...As someone who beliefs in something i belief that something nudged me in the right direction today (as i was looking for some photos originally) That will last me for a few weeks and it definetly takes the edge off.

I also explained the Stopping/starting problem to the insurance and they said they will look into it.

I know this what i have now is a temporary relief, and i might get pushed back into bad times when i encounter some more nannystate nonsense excuses next week....but till then i will enjoy it.

[selket]

as usual with me i wrote a long assay about why things are not alright. But it doesnt matter since there are no actual solution to the problems at hand. All situations that worried me before, got worse. Plus a few new additional "biggies" appeared.

So as an update.

Im not doing bad, im doing really really bad right now.

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