[adam_k]

Not really looking for any advice, just wanted to vent a little. This isn't something that comes up in light conversation, or that I have ever talked about in the last ten years. I just started thinking about it recently.
When I was 18 I was struggling with a bad stretch of depression that was getting progressively worse over the course of 4 years. I had lost my father a few months prior and was also trying to deal with a suicide attempt a year prior that no one found out about. I took a bunch of medicine but, I just got sick. Not sure why they didn't take me to the hospital, I just remember throwing up for like a week. Maybe my family thought it was the flu. I'm not even sure how I would have told them. I just remember waking up and feeling really bad. I dunno, maybe I thought it would still work.
Anyway, I started into therapy to try and deal with things. I was self-harming at this point, and trying to find better ways to cope. I was really depressed and trying to sort things out but I was still overwhelmed with trying to deal with it all. I told my therapist about buying a punch of sleeping pills. I didn't have any plans, maybe having them made me feel better, like there was an escape. I don't really remember my failed logic at the time. We talked about it and I requested to be hospitalized. I was really depressed and not thinking very clearly. In hindsight I think what I really wanted was more support and to feel safe. How do you tell someone you feel so bad you are willing to end your life, especially a family member?
The psych hospital was different than I expected. I thought it was going to be like an intensive therapy, but it wasn't really that. It was like a jail in a way. Everything was very structured. There was a routine, and there wasn't really therapy. The only thing I did was group therapy, and I didn't find that particularly helpful. Surprisingly telling a group of strangers your 2 min life story and that your feel depressed doesn't do a whole lot for correcting the problem. I don't remember getting any helpful advice, just a bunch of nods.
I did notice a few things about other people. There was a lady their that was there for alcoholism. I saw some similarities in her from myself. I saw someone in a lot of pain that didn't know how to handle any of it. There was another lady who was there for depression. She was sexually abused as a child by her father. At the time I couldn't process how devastating that would be psychologically. He robbed her of the person she would have been and left her to deal with these tragedies even 25 years after it happened. I never understood how someone could be so cruel to another person, especial their child.
They made you share a room with another person. The guy I shared a room with looked like a respectable well adjusted guy. I don't know what happened in his life, but I remember the whole week I was there he would cry himself to sleep. I would ask what's wrongs and he would reply I'm fine. It scared me that I could end up like that one day. So miserable and unable to resolve inner conflicts. One of the nurses made a rather harsh comment the day I was leaving. The roommate was sitting on the bed looking out the window. The nurse told me that I would end up just like him one day. I never knew what she really meant by that, I just remember being hurt by the comment. I've been so depressed I've cried myself to sleep before, but I never let anyone see me hurting. Maybe it was being raised in a house full of guys, or being in a family that doesn't have coping skills. I always felt like I should look strong and keep everything together.
There was a few things that I liked about the hospital. I liked the safety. It's hard sometimes to be depressed and fight against yourself. I think the clinical term is suicidal idealization, but I think of it way too much. Even when things aren't unbearable I get urges. It really bothers me. I tell myself it is a way for my brain to deal with things, to find relief from the emptiness, loneliness, sadness despair, and self hatred. I wish I had a way to deal with these feelings. I control my actions, and I hope that is the first step to getting better. To realize what is positive for oneself and to acknowledge what are the feelings that are not healthy for me. Hopefully with therapy I can learn to live a happier life.

[Rohag]

Thank you for this account of your hospitalization, Adam_k. Your story is another valuable testimony to what hospitalization can and cannot do for us.

One of the nurses made a rather harsh comment the day I was leaving. The roommate was sitting on the bed looking out the window. The nurse told me that I would end up just like him one day. I never knew what she really meant by that, I just remember being hurt by the comment.

That would stick with me for the rest of my life.

[whoswho]

I think you nailed on the head one of the biggest misconceptions about a psychiatric hospital. People think they'll get therapy there. You don't. It's just a place to keep you safe--mostly for legal reasons, not because they actually care about you as a human being.

And I agree. That nurse was really rude. I've also had some really rude comments said to me by hospital staff. Why do some people feel the need to kick someone when they're already down?

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish hospitals were more than what they are... the potential for healing is great, but untapped. .. I wish things would change. ..

[waggiedog]

Hello there. Just thought I'd add a little comment here, especially as it's on a positive note. I'm speaking as someone living in London, UK, so this is how our NHS system can work in my area. I have been hospitalised a number of times over about 30 years. For those 30 years I had undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. I totally agree with the folk who have said whilst inpatient they received no treatment or therapy but it was a 'safe' place. In this safe place we could neither hurt ourselves nor other people. Each of my many admissions followd a suicide attempt and I have to say that I never had any bad times in the psych hospital, in fact I felt almost better for realising I was not alone with my feelings and depression etc. I feel that these units and hospitals are absolutely crucial and with the talk of cutbacks by the govenment to close places like this, it frightens me terribily. So, anybody reading this, feel reassured that most inpatient admissions are not to be scared of. HUGS. x

[adam_k]

I feel my experience was more good than bad. I was safe and i felt more comfortable. I was a real mess and the week away from everything helped me sort out some things. It also showed my family how bad I was feeling. None of them really talked about it after I was out, but my mom did stay with me for a week after I was realised. I think that helped, and I told her I felt abandoned when my parents split up. I think psychological that helped me deal with the childhood feelings. The only down side to it was I thought there could be more healing in there. Maybe healing takes time and you have to want to get better. I guess a cry for help warrants safety over dealing with everything that got you to that point.

[2_b_free]

Your very brave to share your experience. Does talking about it help you to heal a bit.

[adam_k]

I think so. It feels better than holding everything in and feel like Im going crazy when I do that. Being honest with my wife about it helps. Doing that it feels like I can come to terms with depression. It doesn't seem so overwhelming of a problem when I share my thoughts and feelings honestly, even though those feeling aren't alway healthy or good it helps me to figure things out. I hold a lot of shame for being depressed. I think cause my family never accepted it, I had this internal voice saying it was all in my head and I could snap out of it. The truth is that it is a real illness and I can no more snap out of it that a person can grow a new heart. I have to acknowledge the way I feel and reassure myself I have a good life and deserve to be happy with it.

[allimsaying]

> I control my actions, and I hope that is the first step to getting better. To realize what is positive for oneself and to acknowledge what are the feelings that are not healthy for me.

I think it is a good step. I came to a point where I realized that hazardous behaviour and health recovery doesnt mix. It took me years to change that. Looking back I think I wasnt ready. It sounds like you are.