[Dust Bunny]

I think I've been depressed since I was ten years-old. My fifth grade teacher, who was a former guidance counselor, pulled me aside one day to ask me if I was okay, if she was doing anything wrong and said she was worried about me. I hadn't understood what she meant, because nothing obvious was making me sad, so I told her I was fine. I started to have issues with my body image when I was twelve because I was gaining weight. I was picked on for being quiet and unnattractive by my middle school peers, and though it wasn't a daily occurence or anything, it still hurt me pretty badly. I'm attending a smarty-pants type of high school now. Freshmen year I slacked off and didn't care at all about my grades. I had one close friend who I hung out with and had fun with, but we became distant in sophomore year. I had a pretty strong emotional attachment to her, so I guess I tried to ease the pain of losing closeness with a friend I was emotionally invested in by joining a group of friends I wasn't emotionally attached to. We discussed school things and current events and hung out and all that, but there wasn't that sort of closeness or love between myself and them. Recently, I've just been detached from my emotions. It's like I have to force myself to react properly to things that people naturally react to. I have to force myself to seem lively and happy and smiley around my classmates, but the second I get home I can't get myself to stop crying. It's like supressing my feelings and hiding myself from the world and releasing my emotions once I'm hidden away in the safety of my room. I'm afraid of showing my true personality because I don't think I'd be accepted if I did. I don't like my personality, anyway. I'm quiet, introverted, shy, and am usually lost in my own thoughts. None of my interests seem to match up with anyone else's. When I'm with my friends and acquaintances, I feel like I'm the one they feel uncomfortable around, like "Oh, no, I'm stuck with her. Having a conversation with her is like pulling teeth" or something. I feel like my friends/acquaintances tolerate me at best. I do have one close friend who I can confide in about these kinds of things, but I feel bad for always dumping all of my boo-hoo-emotional garbage on to her. I feel like I'm being redundant. I would feel lonely, except I just don't feel as strongly as I used to. I'm a very sensitive and emotional person, but lately, it's just a dull feeling in my chest. I just feel like I come off as annoying and spoiled and unappreciative when I talk about how I feel. I grew up in a household where discussing feelings wasn't done; it was culturally unacceptable. Having mental troubles is automatically chalked up as craziness. It's shameful. My parents have always been too overprotective and expectant of me to be the smartest and most perfect of my siblings, since my two brothers failed to attend Ivy Leagues and lead less than perfect lives. Since I'm the youngest, I'm the one they put all that weight on, for me to bring that kind of honor and pride to my parents. They wanted a well-adjusted, bright, clever, genius kid and all they got was me. My dad has always been the type to point out what I'm doing wrong and angrily and impatiently show me how to do things his way. My mom is just disappointed in me. I have lost a lot of weight, but I just don't feel like it's enough. I don't feel like I'm pretty enough to please her. I did poorly these past three years of high school and that has just made her even more disappointed in me. I'm disappointed at myself for letting these opportunities and advantages slip by me because I simply can't bring myself to do anything. I just keep avoiding everything by sleeping and wasting time on the internet. Writing this out, I can see for myself that I've got a chock full of issues; depression, social anxiety, poor coping methods, lack of self-esteem and confidence, shame, regret, and loneliness. I'm just upset that I'm feeling this miserable after having a relatively positive and happy year or so. I was doing well mentally, but I just hit rock bottom. I know what I want: I want to be happy. I want to be able to navigate social situations freely and comfortably. I want to get work done and do what I enjoy. I don't want to feel ashamed and hateful of myself. I want to be productive. I want to be someone I can be proud of. I don't know how much a counselor or psychologist or whoever could help would cost or where I could find one, nor do I know if my parents are willing to help me find one. My brother was offerred free counseling for depression and his anger issues from his high school, but my parents were in denial about him having problems and refused to have him counseled. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to feel alive.

[Sivol]

You were absolutely right; bottling your emotions all day and putting on a happy face does lead to seemingly uncontrollable bouts of those emotions coming out later. While I do understand that it wouldn't exactly be the best thing for you to let it out during the middle of a class or exam, I also know that the longer you keep it bottled in, the worse it will get. Personally I think that letting it out when you do get home is a better alternative than keeping it bottled as long as you possibly can. Something that I've found that helps me with that, is walking. You don’t have to have a destination, just go out walking. If that’s not a feasible option then maybe open a window and take a nap near it.

As for feeling like you come off as spoiled and unappreciative; people who don’t understand depression and what it’s like might very well think that is the case, however it is usually not. In your case (from what I've read), I don’t think you’re spoiled or unappreciative at all. I think you’re giving yourself a reason not to open up to anybody and a reason to keep it all inside. You need to open up to someone and I am glad that you've done it here. Maybe someone else who is better at helping with these things than I am can offer some solid advice.

The feeling like you’re not pretty enough – just stop there. You do not have to please anybody but yourself. If anyone is telling you that you’re not pretty or thin enough for them (with exception for medical professionals who see health problems directly related to your weight), then they do not need to be a part of your life. Not only is it an incredibly shallow thing for someone to think, it’s very demeaning and does wonders in shattering self-esteem for someone to hear. If you feel like you need to change your appearance to suit your mother, then I am sorry but your mother is not worth your time.

If you are in America there are mental health facilities everywhere that work on a sliding scale with your income. I was seeing a therapist and psychiatrist 2 years ago when I was living with my mother whose monthly visits only cost me $3.00 (not including prescription prices which vary based on where you get them filled). Yes, three dollars. While it wasn't the best care, I did get the medication I needed, I got someone who was willing to listen to me and offer advice that was quite often great advice, and at the time I felt better about everything as a whole.

You said that you weren't sure if your parents were willing to help you get one or not; if they aren't then it is always possible that you can look into local bus routes and prices to get yourself around. If that fails, then perhaps ask someone else that you know to take you. If you are under 18, however, you will face a lot of issues with this. If you are, you might want to send your parents to websites like this one in an effort to try and get her to understand that this is a very real thing and that help is needed.

I hope this helped in some way.

Hi Dust Bunny! You are definitely clever and smart from what I can see. Just having alot of problems right now so I wont try to offer you advice, just wanted you to know I read your post and I do understand some of the things you talked about, like feeling you are a bother to your one best friend, or feeling like they are thinking oh no I'm stuck talking to her. I have often felt like that. But you seem like you are very thoughtful, I just wondered, if your parents were in denial about your brother, but you seriously want help, isn't that up to you now at your age? Can you not go on your own to the school counselor without them knowing? Hope things get better!

[Rohag]

Hello, Dust Bunny! This stands out to me:

Originally Posted by Dust Bunny

Recently, I've just been detached from my emotions. ... I would feel lonely, except I just don't feel as strongly as I used to. I'm a very sensitive and emotional person, but lately, it's just a dull feeling in my chest.

Emotional blunting is an aspect of my own experience of depression. I would hope that your "smarty-pants type of high school" would have discrete counseling services. Of course, if this is a private, tuition-based school, then they may have an obligation to inform your parents. This is nevertheless something to investigate.

Welcome, and please keep posting.