[penguinsing]

I am not a going to kill myself and this is not a suicidal post.

I felt like I have skip the "middle" step. From alive, fall straight to feeling hell.

So many hurts, so many times. So many wounds, all I can do it keep them from bleeding. This time the wounds is so big I dunno how to stop it from bleeding.

My mother had just kneel and bowing on the ground in front of me to make me feel bad.

She scold at me in the car to the point I cry.

At dinner, she ignore me, like I am not exist.

I don't know how to explain all these. (not that i don't want to)
The only thing I can say is in her way, if I just let her scold and let her yell. Then everything is fine to her. Or else.....

[allimsaying]

Hi penguin,

I hear you that you're feeling pretty badly right now. What you've described sounds similar to the way my step mom used to act with me. Over the top reactions to minor things, scolding, yelling, and even hitting. It got to where I would hang out in my room, outside, at a friends just to get away from her. There was no place to hide permanently tho and if she was on a rampage she'd come find me and then, well, you know.

I dont know your age but it would give me some idea of how long you're likely to be trapped in this situation. One day I told a teacher at school what was going on. She seemed sympathetic and would have helped but Im not sure what she could have done. That was many years ago and support for kids wasnt that available. But it felt good she cared. I backed out of it and pretended everything was fine when pressed to tell her about it. Instead I went back home and just dealt. Well, that wasnt really dealing, it was more like enduring.

I want you to know I hear and I care. I know how hard it can be explaining things. People like this, especially in children, can suck all the power right out of you, making you feel hopeless and without ability to defend yourself and over time the feeling is so defeating we can lose the ability to communicate at all.

By reaching out here it tells me you dont buy into the abuse, that you believe life should not be this way and you are right about that. It wont always be but right now you are in a rough place. Can you isolate the way you feel into a place where those bad feelings you are having are circulated around her, and her only? Can you recognize that its not all people who treat you this way and that once you are able to leave this situation, in large part, the wreckage can come to a stop?

Sometimes when people treat us this way it causes us to fear all people. That might be a natural thing to feel but it wont give us the best outcome. There are people who care, who are good, who dont believe in this type of treatment of others. You just need to find them and connect.

Is there anyone at school, another adult, someone you trust to at least tell how you're feeling? Pick this person carefully but pick someone. You need someone who will really take whats happening as real for you. Sometimes we try to reach out but then are rebuffed which makes us believe no one really cares. These are people inadequately equipped to deal with what we're going thru so pick someone who you believe has the capacity to respond caringly, seriously, intelligently.

[pegasus]

(((( penguinsing )))) I hope you can get out of this environment soon, it doesn't sound good for your mental health. We are hear listening if you need to talk.