[jpfendler]

Has anyone ever felt you have so many emotions and you just cant seem to find the words to say? I'm sitting here tryng to figure out how to express my emotions so whoever reads this it will make since. I'm not even sure I can make since of anything in my life right now. Right now I just wish I had someone just to sit with me. I haven't been happy for a long time, I don't think I even know what true happiness is. I'm good at pretending I've had all my life to practice. I was the one that people would think I always had it all together, I always had a smile on my face, they'd say "oh look at here shes always so happy always smiling, but then if anyone really took the time to really look into my eye the would see so much sadness, fear and lonleyness. I guess part is my fault because I wouldn't let people get close enough to me. I didn't trust anyone. When I was young the life I knew was filled with terrible things. i still live a life of fear. I'm 48 yrs. old with a almost 21 yr. old daughter and I have never been married in a relationship because of fear. I'm still afraid of my mom, everytime I hear my brothers brother name I become very axious and scared. Whenever I think I have gotten past things that have happened I can hear his name and memories become so vivid like it was yesterday. I feel like my heart has been broken in a million little pieces that have been scattered all over and I'll never find the pieces to put my heart back together agian. I don't know why but the last few months I have become more depressed and all hope is being drained out of me. I don't want to wake up in the mornings, I know with the illnesses I have my future looks very bleak and that doesn't help my moods. I'm always in allot of pysical pain i have to go to physical therapy everyday just to learn how to do things with the use of my left arm, I have this diseae called reflex sympathitic dystrophy and its spreading it through out my body, so I know that this doesn't help. I'm numb inside I feel like theres no life left in me. I just don't know who to turn to. I had a great therapist whom I saw for a long time untill she moved and I do miss her so bad at times, she really knew me and now when I really need her shes not there.
well anyways I[m sorry for making this so long. I hope someone will read this.
Thanks, judi

[black dog boogie]

JP,

Please hang in there. Read these words: the depressed feelings won't last. It will get better. It can get better.
Please, please call your doctor and book an appointment to speak with someone about your feelings. Don't shut yourself away from everything. Reach out; help is available to you.

Are you currently medicated?

Hang in there. There are lots of supportive friends for you to make here.

Much love and blessings,
boogie

[allimsaying]

Hi Judy,

I can relate to all you said except the physical challenges you're having. Im so sorry you have to go thru that and I wish there was something I could do. You are very strong and brave to get thru what you have to deal with. If nothing else you can be an inspiration to the rest of us and I hope things do get better for you soon. Sending caring thoughts and good wishes.

[Sabra]

Judy,

Please tell one of your docs. I know you are doing everything you can to take care of your body, but chronic illness takes a toll on your brain chemistry. I understand that it feels there will never be another happy moment. Your life has meaning and you will find your way. I am pleased you are reaching out to us. You have chosen to get in touch with folks who can offer support. As you get to know more people here, you will make friends. You can be involved with life via the internet. Just keep sharing.

Take gentle care.

Sabra