Giving Up...

depressedgirl · Mar 08, 2013, 05:23 PM

I am giving up on life and on being happy. I can't take all the stress anymore and all the heartbreak, confusion, anger, depression, mixed emotions all around me and I HATE IT! I hate everything lately. I hate my fiancee for making me love him no matter what he does to make me mad or hurt me. I hate myself for caring about everyone else before me. I hate life because it is too hard to live. I hate all of my exes for being abusive and controlling and manipulative and not respecting me when I said no. I hate people who won't get out of my head and quit visiting my dreams and hallucinations. I want it all to stop. So I surrender. Throwing in the towel. I'm going to continue to self medicate and continue to **** my life up because that is all I'm good at anyway.

Sabra · Mar 08, 2013, 06:23 PM

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I don't know what to say other than someone has heard you and cares about your life.

Sabra

Rohag · 08:19 PM

Depressedgirl, who trained you to accept abuse and turn the resulting anger on yourself? Did it start with your exes, or did it precede them? (Forgive me. I'm having a difficult time suppressing my own anger at those who manipulate others' emotions, at those who manipulated you to blame yourself.)

Wishing you safety...

depressedgirl · Mar 09, 2013, 07:20 PM

Everyone has. Everyone I trust hurts me and uses me

optimize990h · Mar 09, 2013, 07:38 PM

You have been a member for 5 years and you posted here again. I know the PC members are avatars on the internet, but you must find it comfortable to return and post your feelings.
I hope when you are ready, you can see a therapist. Keep posting.

hamster-bamster · Mar 09, 2013, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressedgirl

I hate my fiancee for making me love him no matter what he does to make me mad or hurt me.

That is another reason to cancel the engagement, in addition to all the other reasons that have been discussed at length in your thread on Sexual and Gender Issues.

depressedgirl · Mar 09, 2013, 08:10 PM

I want to see a therapist now but no time or insurance

hamster-bamster · Mar 09, 2013, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressedgirl

I want to see a therapist now but no time or insurance

What do you mean "no time"?

With regard to insurance, try to find an intern. They charge MUCH less. I have a great T who is an intern. She already has a PhD and works under the supervision of a licensed psychologist. She is fabulous.

depressedgirl · Mar 09, 2013, 08:22 PM

I work 2 jobs and go to school. I don't have time to sit down much less else. I think I want to quit one of my jobs though.

hamster-bamster · Mar 09, 2013, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressedgirl

I work 2 jobs and go to school. I don't have time to sit down much less else. I think I want to quit one of my jobs though.

Then you are doing pretty well considering how depressed you are. Just a thought: if you are too stressed out, that alone can contribute to feeling depressed. So maybe if you quit one of the jobs, your condition will improve by itself.

Mar 09, 2013, 08:25 PM

I'm sorry.

depressedgirl · Mar 10, 2013, 11:37 AM

I have already been thinking about quitting the one I just got. I think when I go in tomorrow I'm just going to tell him I don't have time for a 2nd job.

hamster-bamster · Mar 10, 2013, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressedgirl

I have already been thinking about quitting the one I just got. I think when I go in tomorrow I'm just going to tell him I don't have time for a 2nd job.

I think you are making the right call. Sometimes you need to drop a class or quit a PT job to stay healthy. You are not a Superwoman anyway.