[spunky2104]

Lately I've been finding myself falling into old patterns not sleeping, hardly eating and worst of all trying to internet date :/ havent met anyone but texted a few :/ if my mother finds out im dead meat...i still live at home and its one of the rules of living here because the internet is where i found the man or i should say boy cause no real man treats a woman the way i was treated being raped i went out and slept with alot of different guys that i met off line had a few pregnancy scares... and its been 3 year since the scares and the whoring around and i havent me anyone off the net since... but as of lately i really want and feel as if i need the attention and the sex from whom ever.... also ive been having the urge to cut myself or cause bodily harm i guess im gonna have to resist an stay strong... i have a friend tthat has the same problem as me but he cant go with out sex for very long and he doesnt screw around with random people... he understands me the thing that sucks is he lives almost 3000 miles away in Michigan.... hes the that i compare all the other guys with hes like the standard that the dudes have to fill caus i cant have him and what fires me the most is he wants me too and it breaks my heart

[bookish321]

Hi Spunky2104,

I just want to tell you that what you're feeling sounds very familiar to me, because I've felt much of what you seem to be feeling. And I believe it is directly related to your rape. I am so sorry that happened to you. I was raped as well, about 8 years ago, and went through the "whoring around" and the self-destructiveness. It's very common among us rape survivors. Have you read books on surviving rape? Have you talked with other survivors? I really recommend that you do so, because if you haven't realized it already, it will help you see how so much of what you feel is a very common, and reasonable, response to rape. And when we face that head on, we can start to calm some of the intense desires for unhealthy sex and the desperate grasping at relief that fuels self-destructiveness. Your rapist conveyed to you that you aren't worth care and respect. Don't believe him. His take on other people is warped and diseased. You have to believe yourself, that voice inside you that knows your own light and its brilliance. Follow that light, however dim it seems right now. There IS a way out of this darkness. We are forever changed, and the grief will never go away. But it can be transformed, and we can live with it, even with happiness. Big hug, bookish321

Originally Posted by spunky2104

Lately I've been finding myself falling into old patterns not sleeping, hardly eating and worst of all trying to internet date :/ havent met anyone but texted a few :/ if my mother finds out im dead meat...i still live at home and its one of the rules of living here because the internet is where i found the man or i should say boy cause no real man treats a woman the way i was treated being raped i went out and slept with alot of different guys that i met off line had a few pregnancy scares... and its been 3 year since the scares and the whoring around and i havent me anyone off the net since... but as of lately i really want and feel as if i need the attention and the sex from whom ever.... also ive been having the urge to cut myself or cause bodily harm i guess im gonna have to resist an stay strong... i have a friend tthat has the same problem as me but he cant go with out sex for very long and he doesnt screw around with random people... he understands me the thing that sucks is he lives almost 3000 miles away in Michigan.... hes the that i compare all the other guys with hes like the standard that the dudes have to fill caus i cant have him and what fires me the most is he wants me too and it breaks my heart

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Spunky2104!

Wow. You've a lot weighing on you. In my experience, lack of sleep, lack of good quality sleep makes everything else much worse. Is that something you could focus on with the help of your doctors?

[Sam2]

There is no use worrying about the "one who got away". No two people are alike, and while your friend in Michigan may be a good rold model, try not to compare him with others. Usually that winds up in a big disappointment.
As Rohag pointed out, not sleeping or eating just makes things worse. After a while, it becomes difficult to know which came first, the need for a relationship or depression that made you feel alone.

i'm sorry you were hurt so badly by the guy you met on line. That is inexcusable behavior. Unfortunately, dating has now gone technical, and that is dangerous. You have no idea who you are talking to. If a guy sends a picture of himself, it could just be a photoshop print.

You want human contact, but there really is a difference between intimacy with someone you love, and just sex. i'm not a prude, but having sex with several men (not at the same time), leaves you open to all kinds of emotional pain.

There is someone out there for you, and one day you will probably run into him. Its hard these days to find someone the natural way. The dating is all done online, the chance of rape or assault is going up and those things must make it very difficult for anyone to find the right person.

Don't let it get you down.

Sam2

[penguinsing]

I have problem breaking old habits too.