[Strass]

Confession, they say, is good for the soul, although as far as I'm concerned, the Jury is still out as to whether or not I have one, but I really need to do this.

As a life-long sufferer of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), the first thing my therapist warned about was the dangers of 'Rumination'.

At first, I didn't really understand. I was pretty sure I never habitually burped up my last meal, chewed it, and swallowed it again. (duh)

What he meant by avoiding 'Rumination' was not to drag up old memories and rehash them with a good seasoning of 'woulda-coulda-shoulda'. Really good advice, even if you don't suffer from MDD.

Over time, I've pretty much learned to control my ruminatory tendencies, but there's one memory that I can't seem to rid myself of. It comes back to me, like clockwork every day at 08h00 and again at 17h00 when I feed my tropical fish (and I've got a lot of them, 10 aquariums).

I guess any 'armchair therapist' worth his salt has already made the connection. Obviously, the act of feeding my fishies is triggering the memory. Damn Skippy! but what can I do? I can't not feed my fishies, They'll starve and die horrible deaths. I can't stand to have that on my conscience as well... and I won't under any circumstances give my fishies up!

My only other option is to share this deep, dark secret, and hope that getting it out in the open will help me expunge it from my 'rumination' repertoire.

I can remain silent no more! Please bear with me and don't judge me too harshly.

One fine sunny Sunday a long time ago - well not really that long ago - One of my Beloved Daughters (who shall remain anonymous to protect the guilty) Brought her new boyfriend (who shall also remain anonymous, save to say he thought himself a real 'Lion' among men) around for inspection.

The first thing I noticed about him was that he seemed to have the word 'Loser' tattooed across his forehead, either I was imagining it, or my BD had become 'visually challenged' and she didn't notice it. The second thing I noticed was that he seemed to have 'BS Disperser' tattooed around his mouth, but my BD seemed oblivious to that fact also.

'Shame on you!' I castigated myself, 'Give the guy a break, you've only just met him! You know what you're like, no guy living on this, or any other planet will ever be good enough your BD!'

So, for once, I kept my big yap shut, my opinions to myself, and my options open.

As luck would have it, some of my other BKs decided to visit that day, along with my Brother-'n-sister-in law.

Anyway, everything went swimmingly - Happy-happy, Jolly-jolly, chatty-chatty party!

Pretty soon, Lunch Time!

To feed the masses, we decided that we would serve DIY burgers. We provide the patties, buns, salads, onion rings, relish & sauces, etc. and everyone builds his or her own burger.

Things were going great, until I noticed 'Lion-man' liberally spooning my fishies food all over his burger!

What to say??? What to do??? 'Shut up you ol'fart!' I tell myself, so I bit my tongue... then I nearly lost it!

He came back for seconds!

I shoulda said something! I coulda done something! but I didn't... I mean tropical fish food is, like, expensive y'know.

*sob* Please forgive me!

Yes indeed, please forgive me. I'm not in a very good place at the moment and I find it helps lighten my mood when I write tripe like this. Sorry to inflict it on you.

Right now, I can feel myself sliding down a slippery slope into that dark place.

This morning, I intended to go with my wife and her sister to a garden expo, but I got unnecessarily snappy with anyone who got within striking distance. For the good of humankind, I decided to stay home, but now I'm feeling kinda left out (go figure).

I think I'm going to find a quiet spot and just hug my dog.

[Rohag]

Hello, Strass!

Originally Posted by Strass

About two years ago, against medical advice, I decided to reclaim my life. I went off my meds again. *gasp* Yes, again. I tried once before, going 'cold turkey', with disastrous results. This time, I weaned myself off over a period of about six months. It feels wonderful! Emotionally, I can now see life in what seems like glorious Technicolor, compared to the drab, grey fog I'd been existing in for the last 20 or 25 years.

Reclaiming one's life from the "cure" intended to reclaim one's life -- I've thought of doing that. I'm not sure I have the courage or energy.

Originally Posted by Strass

I can't not feed my fishies, They'll starve and die horrible deaths. I can't stand to have that on my conscience as well... and I won't under any circumstances give my fishies up!

Yes. You need those fish. The fish need you. This is far more important than avoiding a ruminative trigger.

It doesn't matter that I think you deserve some sort of medal for the incident - allowing a lion to eat fish food. It bothers you. I hope your detailed and entertaining account here brings you some relief.

Your success in managing MDD without recourse to zombification is the greater goal. It's a worthy goal, and I follow your progress with interest.

Thank you for posting! Please continue.

[pegasus]

Hello there Strass! You write brilliantly and your story was very moving, thank you for sharing. I'm sorry about the fish food, maybe make the lad buy some more and make him apologize to the fish! Welcome to Psych Central!