[shelleygone]

I am writing this post, both as a call for help and in hopes of getting some opinions or advice.

As I stated in one of my previous posts, I am chronically depressed. I've been this way for many years, but within the last year or so, it's been getting harder and harder for me to cope. I'm not on meds at this time, and don't know when I'll be able to start (insurance is an issue). I could probably go to an emergency room, explain my symptoms, and be prescribed something, but this would only be a short term solution and I don't want to start an anti-depressant without knowing for sure that I'll be able to continue use. I've heard that the withdrawals for these meds are insane if you don't ween off of them correctly.

So, with that said, I'm trying to find out what I should do. I have lost all desire to live, to do anything anymore. I'm attending school right now, just completed a research requirement, but at this point I just don't know if I even want to continue. I look at everything in my life and find that nothing has changed or improved within the last 4 years of my life. In fact, things continuously get worse. There is nothing in my past or present life that shows me that I even deserve to live. I have nothing. I am nothing. The conditions I live in are deplorable, and I have no way out. I have no friends, or anyone to confide in. I feel like each time I try to have a positive attitude, it's the wrong thing to do. It seems as if something always happens to show me that I shouldn't try to be content, happy. I'm tired of trying, basically. I've been proven time and time again, that nothing I do will improve my life, or at least my mental health. I want to try and go on because I want to be here for the few people that do love me, but I don't know. Something tells me that it's over. I don't want to live like this, but really, what can I do?\

In addition to the above, I''m experiencing thoughts, that in the past, others have said are not "right." For example, I feel like certain people love to see me struggle and hurt. I truly believe because of things that were either said to me that certain people enjoy the fact that I am miserable. This bothers me because I question whether or not I deserve this treatment or not. I've not been a perfect person in the past, you know, I've made some bad choices. And I keep thinking that because of this, I deserve the hell that I am living in right now. I feel like if I were a worthy person, deserving of love, respect, and good things in life, I wouldn't be going through this and would at least have one person by my side. What a I supposed to do at this point? How a I supposed to let all of this not trouble me? It's just been too long, and I am now convinced that this is the way my life will be. But if this is the case, I don't want to live anymore.

I worry that I may be suffering from something more than depression. Like I stated above, people have told me that my thinking is distorted. Could I be schizophrenic? Others kn ow, but it seems to me that they are more willing to keep their assumptions to themselves, make me feel stupid because I am not normal, than they are to just say what they think to me, rather than go and spread my business around to other people, including strangers. I just want to know what's wrong with me. That's my purpose for reaching out and sharing my story. I just want to know.

Does anyone have any advice for me that they don't mind sharing? I will appreciate any responses. I'm trying to decide whether I just want to give up on everything, school included, and just accept that this is the way my life has to be.

Shelly, in my view you need to talk to a doctor, please. Some of us take an antidepressant to relieve the symptoms of depression; others take a mood stabilizer.

You need to have a physician's opinion of your depression and medications to help you out of the low feeling tone.

Please go in to see a doctor. Things can be made much better with professional help and therapy. Both would be good for you to have now.

Never give up, Shelly. There is always a way to find recovery. Keep talking to the forum members if you would like.

[shelleygone]

Thank you, genetic, for your advice. I agree that I need professional help. It's just been a bit hard for me to get it. I've tried to find ways to cope with whatever is wrong with me, to no avail. I know I'm depressed, so I've tried countless time to try and overcome it in my own, but after everything I've been through, and all that I have bothering me, I know it's just not possible for me to beat this. I'm hoping one day I will finally learn what's wrong with me and be able to get the help I probably need. My only fear at this point, is trying to hang in there until then.

Thanks again,

Shelley

Originally Posted by genetic

Shelly, in my view you need to talk to a doctor, please. Some of us take an antidepressant to relieve the symptoms of depression; others take a mood stabilizer.

You need to have a physician's opinion of your depression and medications to help you out of the low feeling tone.

Please go in to see a doctor. Things can be made much better with professional help and therapy. Both would be good for you to have now.

Never give up, Shelly. There is always a way to find recovery. Keep talking to the forum members if you would like.

[optimize990h]

Shelleygone, hi. With my depression, I can identify thinking distortions(biases in my way of thinking I use everyday.) It is a learned pattern of behaviour.

There are 6 categories(they may seem the same) blaming, catastrophe creating, labelling, mind reading, over generalization, and personalizing.

I find that these behaviours always make my depression worse, but to identify them is part of eliminating said thinking distortions relieving part of my depression. I have to re-wire my brain so negative wiring is exchanged for positive wiring.

These are suggestions only, take what you like and leave the rest behind. Keep coming back because reading through posts or other sources of information is helpful to learn what will help you.

[tinyrabbit]

I think it's brave of you to recognise that you might need help. Please try to talk to a doctor - maybe write down what you want to say?

[shelleygone]

I get it. This sounds like a lot of the thinking I do. For me, it's like a never ending road-the thoughts go on forever. I find it so hard to train my brain to think differently. I guess that's what help is for though.

I agree that recognizing this is the first step. I just haven't been able to convince myself that ALL of my thinking is wrong. I feel I'm right about some things, even though what I'm thinking causes me distress.

Well, thank you for responding to me, and for your advice.

Originally Posted by optimize990h

Shelleygone, hi. With my depression, I can identify thinking distortions(biases in my way of thinking I use everyday.) It is a learned pattern of behaviour.

There are 6 categories(they may seem the same) blaming, catastrophe creating, labelling, mind reading, over generalization, and personalizing.

I find that these behaviours always make my depression worse, but to identify them is part of eliminating said thinking distortions relieving part of my depression. I have to re-wire my brain so negative wiring is exchanged for positive wiring.

These are suggestions only, take what you like and leave the rest behind. Keep coming back because reading through posts or other sources of information is helpful to learn what will help you.

[Another24]

Hi Shelley,

I agree that you should certainly seek professional help and it is great that you know you need the help. Seeking such help is probably one of the most difficult actions because it means admitting that you are suffering from depression. I know it was very difficult for me. The keyword, in my opinion, is "suffering" and we all want you to relieve that somehow...and hopefully as soon as possible.

[montanan4ever]

There are many mental health conditions where thought distortions become an issue. Depression is one of them.

You sound like you really need to see a doctor. If you're living abroad, are you in a country where there is universal health care? Have you done any research into how mental health treatment works where you are living?

[shelleygone]

I do-need to see a doctor. It's taken me a while to realize this because, while I knew something was wrong, there was another part of me that felt my thoughts, beliefs, etc were right. So, now I'm aware, and I'm just ready to leave it be.

I'm in the U.S, and unfortunately, universal health care is not offered here. I don't know what else I can do, but I do know that I will not live like this for much longer.

Thanks for your support.

Originally Posted by montanan4ever

There are many mental health conditions where thought distortions become an issue. Depression is one of them.

You sound like you really need to see a doctor. If you're living abroad, are you in a country where there is universal health care? Have you done any research into how mental health treatment works where you are living?

[KhadijaK]

Hi Shelley
I understand how being depressed can make you feel. I've been depressed for sometime and I do take medications which help to alleviate the depression as well as cognitive behavior therapy. My therapist does refer to cognitive distortions when we talk about ways of thinking and identifying the distortion. Beyond this I would like to say, never give up, there is hope just around the corner.
Many times I feel overwhelmed, I try to look at my problems one at a time, rather than looking at the whole picture which can make me feel depressed.
I also believe in prayer, and find myself praying a lot to see me through, as I know God does love me and he loves you too. Talking to a pastor may help.
Sometimes it helps to get out and do things with friends. Call a friend, be a friend. I've found that when I'm feeling depressed I tend to isolate myself and not reach out or talk to people. This does make me feel worse, as then I find myself thinking nobody cares, when in reality nobody knows because I haven't reached out to anyone.
Don't give up hope my dear, stay in school as it will pay off in the long run. When I was in school, I found myself depressed often, usually I hadn't been doing what I needed to be doing,then I felt worse for not doing it. It's a vicious cycle, you don't feel like doing anything, then you don't do what you need to be doing then you feel worse for not doing what you are supposed to be doing. This can go on and on. May I suggest you make a List of Accomplishments. Get a piece of paper, and at the head, write list of Accomplishments. Each time you accomplish something, anything, big or small put it on your accomplishment list. Every day as you add things to your list of accomplishments, you will feel better as you accomplished something. Just putting something on your list is an accomplishment. Going to class today is an accomplishment. Getting up and getting dressed is an accomplishment. Posting on this page is an accomplishment. Just feel free to record big and small accomplishments on a daily basis. It doesn't have to be perfect, just that fact that you did something is an accompishment. Then as you look over your list you will see that you have done something, you have accomplished something, and you will feel better.
God bless and may the angels surround you with their love and protection.

[Sabra]

Originally Posted by shelleygone

I get it. This sounds like a lot of the thinking I do. For me, it's like a never ending road-the thoughts go on forever. I find it so hard to train my brain to think differently. I guess that's what help is for though.

I agree that recognizing this is the first step. I just haven't been able to convince myself that ALL of my thinking is wrong. I feel I'm right about some things, even though what I'm thinking causes me distress.

Well, thank you for responding to me, and for your advice.

Your depression is kicking your butt. When I am in the "valley of the shadow" I truly believe people are talking about and somehow enjoying my misery. I have learned over the years with the help of friends and therapist my thinking is distorted. It seems so real and could give examples. When I get to the other side, I see how truly screwed my thinking was.

There is an analogy I love when my thinking is wacked. When new pilots are flying through clouds for long periods of time, they can become disoriented. They are taught to continue to use the instruments and not believe their feelings or thoughts. Without any visual cues, the pilot can believe they are flying upside down. If they go with their belief, they will correct the course and end up crashing.

When depressed, we can't trust our thinking. We need to believe what our instruments, i.e., what others think or we will crash. Please don't chose your detractors as your instrumental panel. Continue to post here until you see a doc. You need medical intervention. At least 80% of us could have written what you posted.

Continue to get reality checks,

Sabra

[Fuzzybear]