Please read - comments to be said in court

Please read/comment on what I'm planning on saying in court Thursday when I have my hearing for a restraining order against my ex boyfriend. I will be reading this word for word, otherwise ill probably get too upset to even think clearly. Please, please let me know if you have any comments or suggestions.


Opening Statement
I would like to thank you for listening to my story, and I hope that you can help me do what I believe is the best choice for my safety and well-being. I ask that the court treat this only as a civil case – I do not wish to press charges or be involved in a criminal case that involves what will be discussed today. I am not trying to get any money either; I am only seeking protection from Daniel.

What Has Happened – My Story
Daniel and I began dating last August. Throughout the entirety of our dating, we had arguments, as all couples do at some point. After a few months, the arguments began to escalate and Daniel made it seem as though it was always my fault when we had a disagreement. He would never discuss the argument the next day, even if I asked him to.
In October one night, we had an argument and Daniel began shoving me. He was angry and yelled at me, then he shoved me onto the ground. He stepped on my legs while he still had his boots on, repeatedly. I had bruises for weeks after. I tried to talk about it with him, but he refused. He said he I must have been mistaken and forgotten that I’d fallen that night or done something else, myself.
On January 17, 2013, Daniel and I had some drinks together in Downtown <town>. When we got to my apartment to go to sleep, we had an argument and in an attempt to not make him more angry, I tried to sleep on my couch while he stayed on my bed. He got up to leave, but had misplaced his phone. He started yelling at me when he couldn’t find it and I didn’t know where it was. I told him he should just leave and we could find it in the morning, but he wouldn’t leave. I tried to get him to leave, but he just wouldn’t. I sat down on my couch because I was extremely tired at this point. He started yelling at me and all of the sudden, he started punching me in my face and upper body. I just sat on my couch because I didn’t even know how to react. He punched me probably 15 or 20 times before he stopped. I think he finally stopped because my nose was gushing blood. My upper lip and nose were swollen for days and the inside of my lip was bruised for over a week. I have a picture of the bruise on my inner lip that I was able to recover from my computer. I was too afraid of what Daniel might do if he found the pictures, so I deleted them. I had a picture of the blood-stained shirt as well, but was unable to recover it. Daniel promised me he would get help and talk to a counselor about the incident. He never did and any time I tried to talk to him about it, he ignored me and wouldn’t talk about it.
The following week I was so upset and I really wanted to leave the relationship, but I also wanted to believe him when he said it would never happen again. I was scared to be alone but I was also afraid of what he might do. The following week, on the night of January 24/morning of January 25, Daniel went out with some friends for some drinks after work. I went out with some of my friends to hear a band play, and Daniel said we could meet up later that night and go back to my apartment. He said we would leave no later than 1am, but at 1:30am I was begging him to go home because I was tired. He was angry and drunk, and he yelled at me the entire walk back to my apartment. I just wanted to go to sleep and I was tired of walking on eggshells around him. I was really upset and told him that I didn’t want to live anymore. He told me that he wouldn’t care if I lived or died and if I wanted to die I should just kill myself. He left and walked back to his apartment. In anger, frustration, and sadness, I followed him back to his apartment and took way too much Tylenol, enough to be a lethal dose. I followed it with Whisky. He told me he was going to call an ambulance and I didn’t want them to come so I left. I immediately regretted taking all the Tylenol, so I made myself throw it up. I eventually went back to his apartment because I was scared that I might die in my sleep if I went home and slept alone. The next day I couldn’t hold food down and eventually called poison control and took myself to the hospital. While in the hospital, three or four different doctors, nurses, and psychiatrists asked me if anyone had hurt me before and if I was safe at home – I lied. I spent time in the hospital and then at the <psych hospital> before I could go home. I still see my therapist regularly and she now knows about all of this.
The night that I finally left Daniel occurred when he was arrested on March 3, 2013. I was trying to keep him from driving drunk and in order to get him to walk with me, I took his phone. He grabbed me on the side of High Street downtown and wouldn’t let go. We walked past a police cruiser, so two police officers came to talk to us. He got upset and yelled at the police officers. Finally, when he was about to leave, he shoved the female officer when she tried to warn him about drinking and driving. He was tackled by the two police officers and tried get away from them. He was charged with battery on an officer, obstructing an officer, disorderly conduct, and public intoxication. I am so thankful that those officers stopped us that night, as I have no doubt that he would have beat me up when we got to my apartment again. I decided that I was finished dating him as I watched the officers take him away in handcuffs.
Since I have left him, many things have happened that make me uncomfortable and feel unsafe. The weekend after I left him, on March 9, 2013, I went to hear a band play in Morgantown – a band that Daniel had previously told me he hated. He told me that he hated to even be in the bar when the band was playing. While they were playing and I was talking to a friend of mine, Daniel walked in, walked straight toward me, walked past me, put his hand on my lower back, and kept it there for a few seconds. I was trying to back away from him as he did this. He wasn’t in the bar with any friends and he just stood and watched as I talked to some of my friends – I had my friends watch to see what he was doing. They said he just kept watching us. Eventually, Daniel left, but I didn’t feel right just walking home by myself, so I had a friend drive me home. We were walking to my friend’s car when Daniel walked by us again on the way to my friend’s car. He stared at us, the same way he had stared at us previously that night. We went and got food after that just to be sure that Daniel would go home before I went and stayed alone in my apartment.
I struggled with the decision of whether or not I should tell Daniel’s family about everything that had happened. I had met them over Christmas, and I thought that they would want to know about it so they could help him. Daniel’s sister Jamie said she was very glad that I told her and she was very upset that he could do something like this. I told her that I really just wanted to make sure that this couldn’t happen to someone else later. When Jamie was going to talk to Daniel about it, Daniel told her that I had been going around telling his friends about what had happened and that he beat me up. I knew that was a lie because I only told one person that we both knew, aside from his sister, and that was only because he sent me a message online about what had happened. It worries me that he is lying about this to others, especially when I have been very careful to only tell people that I felt needed to know about the abuse in order to keep myself safe.
On Tuesday, March 19, my supervisor from work came to my apartment briefly. I had already told her about everything that happened with Daniel so that if anything occurred during work or if I had to miss work for anything related to this case, she would understand why. When she walked in, she grabbed the door handle to shut my door. She commented that it seemed unsafe, and she looked at the door handle and immediately told me that she thought someone had tried to pry the door handle off. I tightened the door knob with a screwdriver and made sure to note if it changed. A couple of days later, on Thursday, March 21, I noticed the same change in my deadbolt lock – it looked like someone had unsuccessfully tried to pry it off the door. There is no way I can prove that this was in fact Daniel that tried to get into my apartment, but I think it would be an extraordinary coincidence if it weren’t him.
I generally feel unsafe walking around alone outside and have mostly had friends walk me home if I walk somewhere to make sure that Daniel is not waiting for me there when I get home. I don’t know what kind of retaliation he is capable of, especially if he were to get drunk and decide to come attack me. Since he has already said that he doesn’t care if I live or die, it seems to me that there is a greater possibility of Daniel retaliating.

Questions/Concerns
-If issued, would the protective order prevent him from entering a place of business or public place where I was already located?

Closing Statements
I hope you will grant this protective order for my safety and piece of mind. I wish I would have come to court sooner to get this issued, but I think it is still just as important that I get it now. I have faith that you will do the right thing by granting me this protective order to prevent any other acts of domestic violence from occurring. Thank you for your time today.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I think it took outstanding courage to break away from the relationship. Many people stay in abusive relationships for years.

I don't know much about the ins and outs of the US legal system, so I can't offer any feedback on that. I just wanted to post (other than to express my sympathies) to advise you to get some means to protect yourself regardless of the outcome of the hearing: pepper spray, a taser, even a gun. It's better to be safe than sorry later on.

Good luck and God bless

Thank you! I do carry pepper spray with me everywhere and I'm currently working on getting a door alarm that, once activated (like before I go to bed), will beep if someone is trying to get in. Thank you for the kind words!

You wrote that very well. I don't see why the court would not issue a restraining order against him. Big Zero already said to get extra means of protection. A whistle is also good or yelling fire!fire! usually makes people come running regardless of the situation.
Wish you well.

The only time I've ever been to court was when a subpoena was issued by a lawyer for me to testify against a young man who caused a dreadful accident that destroyed my car and sent me to the hospital with irreparable injury. I never had the kind of statement you have presented (although you've done a beautiful job of presenting it).

You may find that you will simply sit in the witness seat and be asked questions by the attorneys if you are in a trial situation. If you are there just to testify before the judge, it could be handled differently, but my guess is that if that's the case, the judge is going to do the questioning and you'll just be required to answer
honestly. I would expect that the young man has employed an attorney for defense since he's in serious trouble.

Unless you've seen a lawyer and know that your presentation is the one to present, I'd hold on to your statement and wait to see what the judge says. You could also print a copy for the judge; that might help.

You really present the situation very clearly and coherently. I don't think any judge would miss the honesty of it.

I wish you a good day in court and an effective verdict for your benefit. It sounds as if you boyfriend has a serious psychiatric problem that needs to be medicated. He's certainly dangerous. The court might mandate that he undergo psychiatric evaluation and treatment.

Why didn't you deal with him long before it got to this point? When you were first asked about it at the hospital, what made you deflect the questions about possible abuse? Were you afraid? Or overly compassionate for the man who hurt you so badly? I may have missed your answer on that one while reading it all.

______________________
Last paragraph, please change to "for my safety and peace of mind"

What country are you in?

I am in the USA and when we met with the magistrate to consider the restraining order I said nothing and my attorney did not say much either. The stuff you have written to say in court - did you not describe the behaviors such as those on the request for the restraining order? Unless he disputes it there isn't much to discuss really.

In Canada, a victim can request to speak or give a letter and it will be considered. There is no harm in trying. I wrote a letter for the judge in my situation (similar) and also read it in court. If the lawyer feels it is not necessary, don't throw it out, there is much merit in having written it to get it off your chest. Its shows strength and a is a good reminder on how strong you are on those down days.

I dont know where you are but here in New York a court hearing for a restraining order is only about 15 minutes total and both sides get their say... the judge asks questions and the lawyer for the one being abused answers the questions unless the judge asks the person being abused a question directly. then the judge asks the abuser and his lawyer questions. then the judge decides whether there are grounds for the restraining order..

example (using what you have posted here in this thread)

Judge...we are here to address the respondents petition for a restraining order, those present are the respondent (your name) respondents lawyer (name) the defendant (name) and defendants lawyer (name)

lets start with the respondent.... what are the grounds for this petition?

the abused lawyer...you honor this is a case of domestic violence. there is quite a history of violence spanning the course of a year where the defendant has physically battered my client. recently the defendant was arrested and charged with battery. my client no longer resides with the defendant and fears for her safety, therefore we are asking for a restraining order.

Judge...since moving out of the defendants home ( or since the defendant moved out) has there been any recent occurrences of harassment or abuse by the defendant?

lawyer...no but there is a possibility that the defendant may have attempted to enter my clients residence uninvited. her door knob and dead bolt have mysteriously loosened, my client did take steps to repair the door knob and dead bolt but they mysteriously became lose again.

Judge...do you have any witnesses that can be called to give testimony that the defendant damaged the door knob and deadbolt?

lawyer ...no your honor my client was out of the home when it happened..

Judge to the abuser and lawyer...were you recently arrested for battery?

the abuser or their lawyer answers

Judge did you attempt to enter the respondents home?

the abuser or their lawyer answers

Judge...to either side...is there any documentation to the alleged past history of abuse by the defendant?

Judge...is there any documentation to the most recent alleged abuse?

you and your lawyer gives the judge access to photos, hospital records other documentations available. and those that may have witnessed the abuse give a short testimony by answering the judges questions.

(these are just sample questions of court hearings for restraining orders I attended for my clients the ones your judge may ask may be different.)

then you walk out the door with either your copy of the restraining order or knowing the judge denied the restraining order.

At least thats how it goes here where I live and work, very short 15 minute hearing.

I am really sorry you had to go through this horrible experience...I wish you peace and happiness hereonin

Thank you. It is family court, not a criminal case and really all I want is the protection and to not drag it out into a trial. I know the police CAN press charges without my wishing them to if they feel they have enough evidence to win in a criminal case, so hopefully my opening statement will be enough to deter that.

I do not have a lawyer so that is why I wrote this out. My best guess (from talking to a friend of mine in law school in my state) is that the judge will first ask me what happened and why I am filing the restraining order. All the temporary order says is that I "fear for my safety", which is very vague. I do like the idea also of handing this statement to the judge, but I will first see what he says and then maybe have an extra copy just in case he doesn't want me to read it all.

I WISH I would have left him long before it did get to this point...but he had a very manipulative way of rationalizing things and making it seem like everything was my fault. When I got to the hospital I was scared and I wasn't ready to leave him. I don't really understand why and I really do think that the doctors and nurses knew I was lying. I guess I was overly compassionate toward him in a way too. I guess the reason I felt that way was because he had made me convinced that I was the reason we would argue.

I'm in the US - I really just want to be as prepared as possible. If the judge asks me to recount everything, then I have it. I get really flustered when I'm upset and I did not take this with me when I went to file the order and get the temporary order - I'm may not have been as clear as I could have been before. This will help me be clear, if I do have to read it.

Thank you so much - that is helpful. I don't have a lawyer - what I did read about lawyers is, if he shows up with one and I don't have one I can request a continuance of the temporary restraining order and postpone the hearing to give me time to get one. This website (one I was directed to from a help organization in my area) has been very helpful: WomensLaw.org | Home.

What my therapist, friends, and coworker have said is that he may not even show up. I am going fully expecting him to be there, but I don't really expect him to take this as seriously as I am. Based on his demeanor toward law enforcement when he was arrested, I don't expect him to be calm and collected, but then again, I may be wrong.

here in New York the abuser usually does show up if for anything other than to try and make the victim out to be the abuser or to further victimize the victim..its very hard sometimes for victims to say whats going on with the abuser there glaring, and using unspoken threats that the victim has learned to interpret as the "you wait, you're going to get it now looks, postures, expressions edge to the abusers voice...

sometimes bringing a friend helps victims during these types of court hearings even if its just knowing theres moral support sitting right behind or next to the victim.

here at the crisis center we do advocy work where we are able to go in to the court rooms with the victims. and we hook the victims up with free legal aid. maybe you can get a free lawyer from your local legal aid department. and can invite someone you know and trust to be there behind or beside you during the hearing.

Is there a reason you don't have a lawyer? Finances? You don't like lawyers? You don't think you need one?

The lawyer that went to court with me for my restraining order was hired by the domestic violence shelter in my town and it didn't cost me anything.

Finances. I think I do have enough evidence to have it issued, but like I said, if my ex shows up with a lawyer then I will request a continuance and get one as well.

Thank you all for your kind posts and words. When I showed up to court, the local Rape and Domestic Violence Center actually brought a lawyer for me at no cost. He was a wonderful lawyer and the advocate from the center was extremely helpful. The order of protection was issued. My ex acted like a child - he cussed in court and denied everything. He even tried to say I made everything up and told him that. Luckily, the judge saw through the BS and both the picture of my bruises and the fact that he had assaulted a police officer was enough evidence against him. I am so relieved that this happened this way, but I am certainly not letting my guard down.