Is It Selfish?

Is it self fish to not want anyone to die or leaving you but at the same time you want (Plan)to die
Since i was a kid i always afraid of people leeaving me wether they die or just walk away, i remembered since i was a kid i always hope i could die before anyone around me
i dont know how to cope with people leaving me...
I really do want to die so badly but i dont anyone around me die before me ..i just cant....i cant
i feel so sad and it make me so sick
why life so unfair that make people want to die?why?

I don't think it is selfish. I think having people in our lives we care about is a good thing and not wanting to lose that is a positive. I have abandanment issues and sometimes I get irrationally scared of being abandoned by people I care about.

I also have suicidal ideation. I think these two things are separate. I think the thoughts of wanting to die stem from my depression and my inability to cope with the immense sadness and feeling of hopelessness that come with depression. I probably think about it on a daily basis, sometimes it is abstract thoughts and other times it is intense urges to hurt myself in very specific ways. I think the important thing is to realize these thoughts can be irrational thinking brought on by depression and I don't think I would feel like hurting myself if I didn't have depression. I often remind myself of why I shouldn't hurt myself and all the negatives that would result from my death. I have a wife that would be completely devasted and a few family memeber that I still care about that I think would be traumatized if I did go through with it.

I think not wanting to lose people is a good thing and shows you still care about living and want to be happy and connected. I don't think that is selfish.

Have you thought about therapy to help you control your thoughts/depression?

i still dont understand what about not wanting people to die show that i want to be happy and connected?
i dont make friends anymore because thats the only way so no one ever walk away from me ...but at the same time i cant just forget about the friends that i already made in the past ..

i cant afford therapy , not sure if my poor card coming it would cover my therapy

I don't know you very well and I can only speak from my own experience. But for me I not wanting to lose tells me that I want to be happy and normal. For me my depression goes in stages. I go from normal to feeling somewhat anxious. After that I start to feel down and sad. Then I start to lose interest in thing I enjoy. After that I feel fatigued and exhausted. I find it difficult to concentrate and have difficulty making decisions. Beyondd that I lose motivation for most things, such as eating and hygine. Then I just want to sleep all the time. Usually 16+ hours a day. After that I quit caring about everything and become completly indifferent to what happens to me and those around me. I quit caring about family and friend and completly avoid everyone. I get angry and push people away when they show concern. Past that I become suicidal and need immediate help.

So for me when I quit caring about losing people it is an indicator for me that things are bad and I need help. This is just me though and you are not me so your opinions or emotional state is probably different than mine.

I'm sorryto here you can't afford therapy. Some states have low cost mental health clinics. Also some colleges have low cost therapy for there graduate students to gain experience. The may be an option for you. At the very least you have these forums to talk about what is bothering you. I hope you find some releief from these feelings. I know it can be tiring to deal with and makes life unbearble at times.

You should read about risk aversion. It is a topic from economic theory but it applies to your situation. You are risk averse to an extreme degree. Read about risk aversion to realize that the cost of being so risk averse is not ever having happiness. So you will indeed protect yourself from feeling sadness from losing somebody, but at the cost of never experiencing happiness from being with somebody, having friendships, etc. It seems to be too much of a price to pay for never experiencing sadness and never having to grieve losses, but it is your life and all the choices are yours to make.

You are asking whether this is selfish.

Let us see.

self·ish
/ˈselfiSH/
Adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Narrowly speaking, it is selfish to the extent that you realize that other people might have feelings similar to yours and would grieve losing you. So if you do not care about other people's having to grieve the loss of you at all and at the same time you are protecting yourself from having to grieve the loss of others, then yes, you are being inconsiderate of others and selfish.

But that is a very narrow meaning.

I would encourage you to view it from the risk aversion perspective instead.

I don't know if selfish is the right word. But even so, human beings are naturally selfish.

Hi Puffy

I might be reading too much into what you're saying so if Im wrong, ignore this.

It sounds like you've made an anti suicide pact with someone?

If you have, it sounds like you feel guilty that despite the pact, you still feel horrible about living and at times think about dying as the answer?

You dont want to break the pact because you fear the other person would then choose to die also?

Maybe Im reading too much into what you've said. I think its a mistake to enter into such an agreement and it would be ok for you to break it. You're not responsible for what others do. Only for what you do.

The world feels pain when anyone dies. We are all a little sadder, lonelier. There is a loss of who that person was and what they gave us, whether it was smiles, or a shoulder to cry on, somebody to love, or someone who might have loved us.

I think a lot of people wonder why they should go on living. Some feel a debt to friends or family and some wonder why they should make that thier reason to stay alive.

For me, I stayed alive because of the unknown. If I die I will never know what could have been and it may have been something I wanted and enjoyed.

I know its hard when the endless days always seem empty and it seems like nothing will or can change, but I believe there is always something good, its just that depression makes it so hard to see sometimes.

Maybe you will get your card and be able to get therapy. I know you've been a member here a long time and have had time to look at some of the articles on beating depression and you have probably read 1000's of posts telling of overcoming the sad feelings. You're still here, something has to be working.

It sounds like just surviving isnt enough and its happiness you really want.

Our minds tend to follow the same thought paths that are most common for us. Thats what makes depression so hard to beat. We try to think in other ways but our mind is used to thinking its all darkness. Its hard to change that pattern but it can be done. Meditation is good for this.

Can I ask what would make you happy? (please dont answer 'death')

What would life look like if you were truly happy? How would your day go? Who would you spend it with? Anyone? Would you walk in the park smiling at the playing children, the dogs chasing frisbees, would the sky be blue, would the sun be shining?

If you know what happiness looks like in your mind that can make it easier to achieve it in your real life.

If you are really down its hard to imagine happiness and happiness can even make you angry when you're down, so choose a time when you're not completely down to fill out the picture of happiness for yourself. Spend some time with it. Repeat it daily, maybe the same place and time for however long you can. Go as long as you can doing it. It will be hard at first because your mind wants to wander. Dont fight yourself, just gently pull yourself back and try to focus on a happy day that you've imagined.

It isnt easy Puffy and this isnt all there is to it but you can start to build a desire to live and with that will come strength to fight the war that is beating depression.

I dont know you personally and Im not a doctor. We are all individuals and what works for you is going to be your own system. Im praying that you are not one of those that depression defeats.

You asked why life is so unfair that it makes people want to die? Its sad that it is that way. People have been fighting for a more fair life since people began living. The fight is still going on.

I for one would not like to lose you from this world.

puffyprue - i get it. while i didn't want to die, i did want to be the first one in my family to die (and if that meant dying tomorrow, fine). i also questioned whether my thinking was selfish. for me, i decided it was. i'm almost at a point, thanks to medication, therapy, and my family, that i think i could (maybe, not for sure) survive the loss of someone close to me.

hamster-bamster - thanks for the info on risk aversion. i'm going to check it out.

Nice, AllImSaying, your ideas are really helpful and healthy ones. I think the answers
for me really are in taking a spiritual view of life and believing that we have a destiny beyond this world.

Puffyprue, I'd like to recommend a daily devotional book by Emmet Fox called Around The Year With Emmet Fox. It's an inexpesive paperback. Two other meditation materials are called Forgiving and Moving On and Keep It Simple. If you feel you can't afford them, please go by your local library and read some things there.

In order to find real security in life, Puffy, we have to learn to live by our deepest principles; that way we can accept the loss of loved ones, knowing that they will
be met again, according to Emmet Fox in their life after death.

I feel that many folks probably have some concept of what love is within. Tapping into that within is a good way to get in touch with our Diety.

Buddhism has some really wonderful ideas, I think, to lead you, Puffyprue, into a
new and healthier way of thinking. It's like a cleansing of the mind and spirit. I
hope you find that for your happiness.

Take care.

I don't know If it is selfish, then what?

I would encourage you to read about Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm just learning about it and one of the characteristics is abandonment. I hear that theme with you. I was like that when I was younger because I loss my mother and father. I also encourage you to seek therapy to deal with your problems while you're still young. Good luck and God bless you.

I feel pretty much the same way. For what little friends and family that I have, they are all older than me. I get the feeling I may be the healthiest of all of them. But there's no sure bet that I wouldn't go before them.

Since they are all older than me and I'm healthier than they are, that would probably mean that they would go first. I feel like I could not deal with that because they are special and I don't have much going for me socially. It's pretty hard for me to make friends and have replacements when the ones I have are gone.

PS I love your name Puffyprue. It reminds me of a family cat that we had and his name was Puffy. He was a white Persian cat. I loved him. He was the best cat I ever had. He was so nice to me.

Thanks Genetic, I feel like I blabbered on too much, a curse of being tired I guess. I like what you said about spirituality. That has been really key for me too

I have AvPD and People with avoidant personality disorder frequently have other co-occurring psychiatric conditions, including borderline personality disorder.

iam so sorry about your loss