[Mjerc27]

I see the dark shadow looking at me. Again. 35 male, college educated, gainfully employed, feeling the fine edge of falling into depression again and scared. I guess my story started with my mom being very very mean to me as a child. Yelling..telling me how awful I was, extreme verbal abuse and physical abuse, although not sexual. Ironically, as a child and teenager I felt no sadness at all and was completely resilient. I had lots of friends, good looking, played sports in high school and fit the stereotyped preppy nice guy everybody loved and thought was funny. I was confident, kind and loved myself for who I was. Fast forward to late my junior year in college 21 years old. I was very stressed...work...classes...typical relationship issues, nothing that seemed out of the ordinary..but one day...BOOM. My life changed...and it changed more than I thought it could if somebody explained the possibility of a human even feeling what I was about to live through. Almost debilitating Anxiety out of nowhere and a dreadful sense of impending doom. It wasn't an anxiety attack, but it shift in my thoughts...I felt inadeqate, worthless, the future was hopeless, couldn't eat, couldn't eat, couldn't even use the bathroom normally.. I literally thought I snapped and went crazy. The term depression didn't come to mind as at that time, I didn't know what Depression really entailed...oh, but I learned fast. I suffered for 6 months of mental and physical pain...didn't tell a soul. Just faked my way though life, literally in mental agony every second for 6 months. I was embarassed. Six months later again, like a lightswitch, I was normal again....happy, motivated, living life the way it was meant to be.
Since then I've had two more episodes like that for about 6 months. Went on Paxil and it worked like a charm for the second episode...3rd one was useless. Each episode was about 5 years apart and I am scared to death my time has come....5 years of loving life has come and I feel a sense of pessimism that I felt during the other episodes...but now that I have looked back and thought with insight...I should have seen the triggers before. It good as well should have written me a note "I'm coming to invade your personality....I'm coming...I'm coming." I didn't recognize the writing on the wall then, but I certainly do now. I do see a psychiatrist for the paxil (easier than a PCP) and did try the therapy route last time but didn't find much success. Depression is the darkest, ugliest beast I have ever experienced...I've been on Paxil for the last 5 years and I honestly don't think it does a damn thing...but I was always nervous to get off it as if anything I thought of it as a placebo... I'm at a crossroads now and just don't know what to do...I can't even fathom enduring the misery and feigning who my true upbeat smiling identity is during my normal 5 year remission. Sorry for writing War and Peace here...I'm just typing out loud hoping somebody has any advice for me.....The beast isn't here yet, but I see him, and he's walking my way. I'm trying to run for my life but my legs are moving slow and ankles feel shackled.
M-

[Rohag]

Welcome, Mjerc27!

Originally Posted by Mjerc27

The beast isn't here yet, but I see him, and he's walking my way.

It may be cliché, but forewarned is forearmed.

If I understand correctly, Paxil is the only antidepressant you've every taken, yes? Do you or your psychiatrist have a reason for not trying others?

[bharani1008]

I can't believe a psychiatrist who doesn't adjust medication according to need. My doc changed my meds for two years before he found the right mix. Maybe you should see another dr. Take heart that you improved and overcame with the right medicine before. There's no reason why that can't happen again. I've survived for 50 years on medicine---can't do without it. with it, life can even be good.
I wish you all the good fortune and please keep posting. it will help you.