Depression every single day.

I'm going to start by saying that it took me a long time to think of a title for this post because i was so worried what people might think of me - i realise 20 seconds later how silly that was.

I'm just going to go ahead and type what i'm thinking i apologise if it becomes hard to read.

I'll start by telling you my typical day (by typical i mean about 330 days of my year) i'll wake up at 9am to my alarm, and won't give a damn about my life and refuse to wake up thens leep another 2-6 hours. Often i slip into night shift hours going to bed at 7-9 am and waking up at 7-9 pm this can last for weeks or months and i barely see anyone in that time (i live with my family). I then sit in my room rotting away doing whatever i can to keep my mind away from depression, usually playing video games or watching tv for the next 12 hours, i'll eat 1 meal a day that my mother makes me and plop something in the microwave later because i have anxieties over cooking food (i'm scared of family members interfering or someone not from the family being in the house (i'll note at this point my family are not disfunctional nor have they ever mistreated me in any way)).

Usually about 3-6 hours in to my day the real depression starts, constant sweating, fidgeting and a million thoughts a second go through my mind i used to occupy my mind slightly by making and drinking 15 cups of tea a day and smoking tobacco (recently i've managed to address these mild drug issues). Thoughts of worthlessness, regret, weakness, fear and and just generally being sick of my life prey on my mind and in the past 6-12 months i've been entirely unable to temporarily cover them up by playing fantasy games and watching movies like i could in my teens. I do this until i go to bed, depression gets worse as the day progresses and then eventually when i finally get slightly tired they regress slightly and i enjoy my time before sleeping which is why i end up with messed up sleeping patterns (i stay up as long as i can to feel normal).

I'll also add that i go through phases of constantly thinking of suicide (it crosses my mind most nights, but not so intense) ranging from 1 night to 1 or 2 months. However i've never self harmed and have yet to attempt suicide (if i do it i will do it properly, no risky tactics).

On the flip side i also have phases of extreme joy and a sense of freedom and understanding of everything, similar to how bipolar sufferers describe episodes of mania. I will come out of my room and speak to my mother for hours and i will never shut up, have an opinion on everything and explain every point to a rediculous level of detail, i also pick up my guitar and play and play with a big smile on my face. I just generally feel absolutely amazing. This maybe occurs once a week and only last 3-12 hours, often followed by a severe negative crash. It can be triggered by social events but that is not always the case.

I've been told i'm not bipolar because apparently according to my doctor you have to have experienced at least one episode of mania that has lasted for over a week and you have to do something like gamble your house or spend all your money on a pyramid scheme and wind up broke or attempt suicide or something along those lines.

I'm unemployed, whenever i step out of my house for a prolonged period i fall in to deep depression wether it be with friends (which i still have a couple of), family or by myself and my number one priority becomes getting back in my house and in to my room to safety.

In addition i've developed a reasonably severe phobia to spiders and have many aches and pains due to lack of exercise, i have no drive to do anything no matter what i try despite having dreams of success, i've been put on many medications (currently taking fluoxetine) and i have memory issues short and long term always. It has been this way for around 8 years, 3 of which it has been completely socially crippling.

I feel obliged to add that i am not lazy (i love to work hard, it's really a passion, the depression just gets in the way all the time) and i am very caring and unselfish despite the financial and emotional strain i put on my family (i get no aid from the government) but i just can't get out of this metaphorical hole i've managed to fall into.

If i lose the support of my family i will have nothing. Support from my doctor doesn't seem to help at all, even if i manage to recover for a week i fall back into depression soon after.

There is a lot more i could think of but right now this is all i will say. I don't know what a response will do to help me but please do respond anyway.

Thank you for reading this.

I'm so sorry you are suffering so much, I know how debilitating depression can be with the memory problems, regrets and anxiety. Sleep was always my drug of choice. Has your Dr. tried many different drugs for you? It took 2 years to find the right mix for me.. Treatment was never an option for me because where I live there aren't any but if you can find someone to talk to it would probably help. With you thoughts of suicide it really is important to keep in touch with someone and have your suicide hotline number close by.
Maybe you could see another Dr.
Just know that you are not alone and everyone one this site understands and struggles just like you .
Please talk to someone. I'm not sure the Dr. you are seeing really understands psychiatric illnesses. I never experienced it myself but you sound manic to me.
At least keep posting here.
We care

Hi ~ I'm sorry you're suffering so from depression. Your doctor doesn't seem to understand that depression just doesn't go away. You need more help than he can give, and he should be referring you out.

Ask him to refer you to a good therapist. You DO need therapy. It can help you get to the issues that are causing the depression. Once you get through those, you can put them to rest and not be bothered with them anymore.

There are those of us who are clinically depressed too, who regardless of therapy must be on medication. Not everyone who is on medication are clinically depressed, but there are some who are. Your therapist can diagnose you. But please get a referral. You won't regret it, my friend.

I wish you the very best. Please let us know how things turn out, okay? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I start sessions with a therapist again in a week or so, and i have to report back to my doc to discuss this fluoxetine in a few days, i think it's making me crazy. I have to say i really hate that i have to rely on drugs now to pick my mood up, i'm really ashamed of that fact. Truth be told i just want a friend that i can speak to but it's hard because i have no female friends and it seems i just can't manage to share my true emotions with other blokes.

Thanks for your replies guys there are a lot of saints on these forums, that's why i joined.

I am also very sorry you are suffering because I understand where you are, I have been there myself, and it is so sad to feel like there is no hope.

My turning point was a mindfulness based cognitive therapy course and it has helped me calm my mind, deal with all the negative thoughts and finally start to enjoy my life again, moment by small moment.

I cannot recommend it highly enough...it has literally changed my life, for the better. I hope that you will try it because I think it could really help you too. You can either find out where they run a course from your Dr or online, or there are books and CD's that you can use to start.

Good luck!

Yes, see a different doctor, get a handle on your sleep problems would be a good place to start. I was in a bad situation with my sleep problems until i was diagnosed with sleep apnea. There are also other sleep disorders you may have. As for the cognitive stuff, you may have to see or be in some type of group to learn new skills for reading etc, maybe also when you feel better(it will take awhile) you could maybe get a part time job as a goal while you're getting better.I wish you luck!!!!!!

You mention ur doc said u might have BP. I wonder if ur doc is a psychiatrist?
I encourage u to have a evaluation from a licenses psychotherapist.

Stay strong

I understand what your going through.Ive had to be put on another AD because the 2 I was taking had stopped helping me, I hope you can get some relief soon.