Something to Look Forward to

It's been a while since my last post. I keep telling myself that I have to stay engaged with communicating and stop shutting myself off from the world. That is easier said than done. I have no idea how to keep things positive in my head. I start off feeling optimistic, and something always seems to put me back in that bottomless black hole. I live in a small town where if you don't tell people your business, they'll simply make things up about you. I'm the first to admit that maybe I keep to myself a lot, but I've been stabbed in the back more times than I can count. Now, I find that I'm being forced to defend myself to people I don't even know, and who don't know me. The more I try to uncomplicate my life, the more complicated it becomes.

A large part of my bad feelings is generated by some news I received a few days ago. Years ago I became close friends with someone who I connected with right away. We had so much in common, and we could confide in each other about anything. Only a few short years later, she moved to another state, and we lost contact. Well, I located a relative of hers and became so excited about the prospect of getting together with my close friend again. But now, that isn't going to happen. Her relative informed me that my friend passed away 7 years ago. I went from excited to overwhelmed with depression, and finally, I actually feel jealous of her. I sincerely envy her. This happens often. I hear about someone passing away, and I feel sad, but soon after I feel envious, and I'm reminded that I do have something to look forward to. Death. It sounds crazy, but I'm just saying what I feel.

I'm sorry. A terrible loss.
I wish I could personally say your feelings sound 'crazy,' but to me they don't.

have you ever considered moving from that small town?

Yes, I think about it every single day. I'm saving almost every penny I get, and preparing to hit the road soon.

Thanks for your post.

Thank you Rohag. I trully appreciate you. Hugs!!

fading99,

sorry to hear about your friend. It is hard to lose someone you hold dear even if time and distance have separated them from you.

At the very least you have something to look forward to and I'm talking about moving to a new place. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are

Fading, I'm so sorry that you lost your friend. Good friends are hard to find. I think there is some truth to the idea that to have a good friend is to work at being a good friend yourself. The friend you lost cannot be replaced, but perhaps you will be surprised by trying to be a good friend to someone new, especially if you are able to move to a new community. I'm glad to hear you are doing something positive for yourself by working your way to a new place.

I also find myself envying those who have passed on.

Thank you for your kindness. Hopefully I'll find that person I can be a good friend to soon. I don't feel that time is my friend, so the sooner the better. Hugs to you, and thanks again for reaching out.