[unhappycamper463]

I think after 4-5 medications, I'm starting to chemically feel better (there are relapses but in general). The problem I'm having is that I don't think anything has changed and I feel bad about feeling better. I don't think I should feel better because I still hate myself, hate what I've become and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to change that.

Does anybody else get feelings like that?

[online user]

No, I'm sorry I can't relate. I'm so greatful to be feeling better, and I know much of my depression is genetic--I don't make enough or keep enough of the "feel-good" chemicals in my brain.

why don't you try looking at it as being helped to the point where you can now change what you do and have a chance to be a person you'll like? Look at today and tomorrow, not yesterday which you can't change. Try to be the person you want to be today.

Susan

I think you have to learn to change the thinking of who you are and not just think about how lifting the depression will make you feel better.

I became less suicidal not because i became less depressed but because i changed my ways of thinking about myself and life.

[spondiferous]

Hating oneself and one's life isn't necessarily all about depression. Could be self-hatred in itself, or low self-esteem, or learned patterns of thoughts and behaviors. Depression can exacerbate all that stuff but it's not usually the root cause in all cases.
Whatever happens I hope you find a way to come to terms with yourself and live a life you can enjoy.