[dg1983]

Hey everyone,

First of all, I want to say how thankful I am for having this forum...I haven't been here for a while because I have been occupying my mind with other things...to distract myself from the issues that have been hiding in the background...

So here it goes: Today was my last day of classes. Grades are in and they are amazing, I have great references and connections, etc...but I can totally feel depression lingering and I can totally see it hitting me in full force...I can see the symptoms, irritability, sleeping all day, etc.

Knowing that the summer is around the corner, people are going to partying and going out, and the thought that I will be alone is freaking me out. I totally feel like I have only one friend that I can actually call a friend. I used to have a ton of friends, I cut them out of my life because of depression, and because they weren't there to support me. I used to have so many friends when I used to be a hairstylist...after I quit the salon, it feels like I lost all of those people. I find that to be so devastating, and I feel angry and sad at the same time...I almost feel like I can't count on anyone to be there for me, even though I put so much into my friendships. It hurts so much to know that they are totally fine without me in their life.

What do I do? Currently I am off of medication and I am afraid to take it again...I couldn't afford it and I found that it made me a zombie...

It sucks so much to feel this F#$%ing rollercoaster, like am I ok? Am I over this? And then feel this huge lump in my throat and pain in my heart that feels SO familiar...

Anyways, sorry for the long rant...has anybody been here before? Someone? Anyone?

[Sam2]

I wish I could say that I haven't been there, but I have. Again. And again. And again. Forty years worth.

School does take a lot of your mind. Especially if you are in a difficult program. There isn't time to think of much else. You can pat yourself on the back for the good grades!

Friends. I guess it depends on what you call a friend. I tend to split people into three categories. Friends, those are the rare birds that will stand by you no matter what and you know you can count on them. There isn't much room for many of them, because they are so close. Secondly, aquaintences. Those are people that I guess many people consider friends, but I don't. They are the ones that you go places with to have a good time or hang out, but you never really get into deep discussions, and though its never said, you know you can't count on them to be there if the bottom drops out. The third lump are just people. They are the ones that may be polite or you know them just a little, but really don't expect anything from them and they don't expect anything from you.

If you can count even one true friend, that is a gift. If you don't have a lot of true friends, I don't really think that is uncommon. Do you really want to share your secrets with a bunch of people? Besides, friendship, at least the way I define it, means that I'll be there for them day or night, no matter what. You can only do that for so many people.

As for the depression coming and going. Definately. I'll feel like I'm starting to make some headway and then bam. The darkness closes in. Sometimes there is a trigger, sometimes it just happens. Antidepressants are out of the question because they all put me on the floor. Literally. When you aren't in school, your mind is free to roam at will, and for those of us with depression, that usually means trouble.

The medication you were on may not have been the right one for you. Anti-depressants should help return you to a relatively normal life. Not make you into a zombie. What is the use of taking something for depression if it is going to make your life as bad if not worse. People respond to medications differently, and you may do much better on another one. The cost I get. I suffer from a chronic pain condition and are on some pretty expensive meds. To be able to afford them, I have to keep my insurance. This year, they raised my premiums to over $600 a month out of pocket (I work for myself, so no health plan). I only make about $1,200 a month before taxes, so you can see the problem. Without the insurance though, it would cost me close to a thousand a month for meds and Dr.s.

Now I feel like I'm going on too long. There is a great biofeedback game that I have on my computer that has worked wonders both in helping me manage pain and sleeping. If you are interested, feel free to message me.

You aren't alone out there. I wish I had more than words to give you. Life is a struggle, but its one we have to fight. You never know when something good is going to come around the corner!

Sam2

[dg1983]

Hi Sam,

I really appreciate your kind words, it's amazing how much it helps me feel better...because I haven't been able to relate to people in my program at that level. I don't know how to message privately on here, but I am totally open to the biofeedback game, Ill try anything that helps! Thanks again

[ScathachWarrior]

I too experience my worst depression in the summer. Not being around my friends and being distracted by my studies leaves me at a loss with my life. During the school year my periods of depression last for a few days at a time but during the summer months it can last for several weeks. I spent too many nights in a row crying for several hours before bed sitting in front of my computer during the way watching TV. I'm down to the last month of school now and I'm scared for it to be over. Each summer has been worse than the last and I've been bad enough as it is lately.

Mainly I just try to keep busy to distract me. I read a lot, talk with friends on Skype, write, and practice my Italian. I also exercise and go to the beach a lot. But still, even with all of that it's difficult.

[dg1983]

Hi Scathach,

Thank you for your comments. I also have been watching tv and have been on the computer a LOT. Learning a new language is a great idea, I haven't been trying hard enough to distract myself. I also go to the beach and try to exercise. Once the weather gets nice here I will definitely go more and try to meditate there or something. It's hard because I would like to go to the beach with a friend or something but even then I feel like the few friends I have I cannot even relate to anymore.