[bluethenyellow]

The man I love is unfortunately married......and so am I.
He was a colleague. He was special to me. He knew I was in love with him but he never told me how he felt. It hurt me really bad when he got a girl pregnant a few years back and married her. But I had to accept it. It was one of the hardest thing to do cause I see him every day at work. But I had to. That time, I felt rejected, unwanted...alone.Then my husband came along and filled that void. I tried to be happy again. Got engaged. Got married. I thought I had moved on.

Then my boss and I had issues so I was forced to leave my job. My husband stays 6 hours away from my hometown. I had to leave my parents and my siblings. I'm the breadwinner and my mother freaked out when I told her about my plans. But she wasn't the only one who did. The moment I told my colleague--that colleague--that I had tendered my resignation, he suddenly confessed about how he really felt ,his regrets of marrying his wife, and how he wanted me not to go. He told me he loves me. He did and he still does. It made me so happy and I realized how hard I've tried to keep my feelings for him. The moment I admitted I love him was a moment of freedom. But we are married...Not to each other. He has kids. I can't bear the thought of ruining his family. I can't bear the thought of hurting the man who loves me. I have decided to move in with my husband and not to communicate with my colleague anymore by any means. It was the right thing to do. It hurts but I had to do it. It always warms my heart whenever I see him in my dreams and get depressed the moment I wake up.

I now live in a city I hated, unemployed, with the guy who loves me dearly. My in-laws make occasional visits. We don't really like each other so two days together is like torture. Sisters-in-law are *****es. My so-called friends are surprisingly backstabbers. I feel unwanted. left out. Got no one to talk to. I feel insecure. Though my husband is really an awesome man, it is not enough. I wanted to run far away from all of them. I wanted to be alone...and the thoughts of dying just keeps coming.

I tried to keep myself busy but a few seconds of break drags me down to the blackhole again. I lose my focus easily. Then I think of my mom and my siblings needing financial help, my backstabber friends, my boss who forced me to resign, my husband's family who disliked me, living unemployed in a city I hated, the man I must not love. I end up crying for hours. I don't know how to handle this anymore. Aside from getting involved in activities, what else can I do? I think my death wont matter to anyone but my husband...but still I think of the possibility. How can I avoid those thoughts? How can I get myself to find friends I can trust?

[bluethenyellow]

How can I focus on my marriage and completely let go of my colleague? Please help me...

[Phreak]

Find a partner who gives you an excited tingly feeling inside on every mention of their name.

Life's too short to stay with somebody who doesn't

[Rohag]

Hello, Bluethenyellow!

Originally Posted by bluethenyellow

How can I avoid those thoughts?

My observation is that the more you try to avoid thinking about something, the more you will actually think about it. As far as you are able, narrow your focus to things close at hand and when - not if - you think about unpleasant things, simply and directly acknowledge you are thinking about what you do not wish to think about: "Ah. That thought again. Hello, how are you? Thanks for the visit. See you later." The important thing is to not beat yourself up about thinking such things. In time those thoughts will tend to visit less often.

Possible resource: PsychCentral "grounding techniques" search

[Fuzzybear]

Please talk to a psychiatrist about your problems. They are ones that deserve careful
consideration and direction from an expert. A psychiatrist may be able to help you
more than you realize.