[sammi]

I feel so dead inside tonight. (actually i've felt this way all day.) I don't know why, i don't even know what triggered it.

I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I can't stand the person i've become. I feel all alone, and i know i am. The truth is the only person i have to blame that one on is myself .

I miss my ex boyfriend but i've found i miss him a lot lately, I often wonder if its him i miss or if its the attention he gave me. Those few amazing moments when i wasn't alone. When for a time i wasn't drowning in it.

Its just been a nightmare of day. I hate it. I hate the ups and downs i hate being alone i hate having so much trouble keeping my food down. I hate hiding the fact that i'm so miserable i lock myself in my room and cry. I'm even becoming paranoid about leaving my house.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost, and just tired. Tired of living. Tired of trying. Tired of just everything. It's like my whole life is just a battle to keep holding on. But holding on for what? For a moment when maybe for a minute i can smile or laugh again, then later have it just dissappear and once again be left to pick up the peices that have been scattered.

I'm a walking mess tonight and i know it. I just feel so sad, and very very alone.

[LMo]

Sammi - your pain is palpable You sound awfully depressed... I hope you have some family or friends nearby, because I hate the thought of you dealing with this alone. Do you have anyone you can call?

[sammi]

not really its really late here and i already bugged my one friend enough tonight

[LMo]

Do you think it's a good idea for you to be alone? I want you to be ok - tomorrow is a new day, and all odds are that it will be a better day....

[sammi]

i'll be ok i don't really have anybody to call

[Mystry]

Hey Sammi...I know this feeling of utter aloneness...even in a crowd I feel like a ghost...if it weren't for the kind people here I would be totally alone too...

(((((((((((((SAMMI))))))))))))))

[pamelasu]

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I hope that you get feeling better soon! Just hang in there. *hugs*

sammi, i have read a couple of your posts and this is what i think...

i think you are brave and strong, it sounds like you are in the centre of your depression. it wont get harder than this. you have hit the bottom and the only way now is up.

you mention that you are afraid of leaving your house, i know how that feels and when reading your posts you simply describe me a few years ago. i promise it will get better, it takes an awful lot of hard work and determination but you can get there. i have faith in you sammi.

if you feel like crying, cry. if you dont want to go out today, dont. if you dont feel like going out tomorrow, dont. you dont HAVE to do anything you dont want to, you need to stay in a comfort zone to be able to help yourself. by leaving the house scared will only make things worse for you and you will go one step forward, and two steps back. by staying home where you feel safe you can concentrate on healing yourself. dont feel guilty for not going out, or for crying, or for not being able to keep food down. not being able to keep food down is your body getting rid of things it juts cannot digest. because of your emotional discomfort you are digesting alot mentally, so to have to digest food aswell can be too much for your body to handle. i actually developed an eating disorder when i was at home suffering depression like you, i didnt leave my house for about 2 months and hardly ate anything. i am still really thin to this day but am eating healthily now, just cant put the wieght back on...so i am still paying for that phase but its ok. i dont mind.

sammi, you do probably miss the attention your ex-boyfriend gave you, who wouldnt miss that kind of attention, you are only human afterall. its natural. you are greiving the loss of him and even though he hasnt passed away, you have lost him so you are bound to grieve, especially if you had a lot of feelings for him. just go with it and accept these feelings you have, they cant harm you.

all of what you are going through is survivable. you can get through this, it may take a lot of time and effort but when you get there you will feel so much better. dont feel alone in this as we are all here and you are doing so well so far. you have a good gift to be able to come on here and describe so well how you feel, some people who feel so depressed find it hard to talk about and express how they feel.

dont hate yourself sammi, you are a wonderful person and from the posts i have read about you i think you are a fantastic person who deserves so much out of life. stick at it and go easy on yourself. dont hate what you have become, but look forward to what and who you will be on the other side of this deppression. it is this depression that makes you feel so badly about yourself and it will turn you aginst youself. you are bound to go through a stage of hating everything about your life, when you feel this unhappy you tend to look at your life and pick out the negatives. most of these negatives dont exist but becuase if the stage you are at they seem bad and so you begin to hate them and yourself. this will definately pass with time.

stick at it and you know where we are if you need us. you can pm me anytime if you want too, i am here if you should need or want a shoulder to cry on.

keep up the good work and we are with you every step of the way.

simon