[cheekyshanelle25]

Hie x
I'm 18 year old and brown skinned girl

I don't know whether this is depression or not, I have been through things that I never want to go through again, from the age of 14-17, I want internet groomed by a man that was 8 years older than I was, I feel so stupid, it took until the age of 18 to realize that I was bee taken advantage off, I believe he loved and care for me.
He would use sexual word towards me, getting silent enough not to tell anyone that I was talking to him, taking a picture of my breast to make him happy and I feel so Ashamed , this made me feel embarrassed and until now I dont think I am able to forgive myself.

I started moving along trying to get over this internet man; heading to college, year one of college, this guy claimed he wanted to friend with benefits, I thought I try it because this guy might like me but I did not give myself up to him, then he fiercely said, "don't talk to me", this made me feel so much worse I felt like I hurt him, I felt like a terrible person
Year two, he then wants to be 'friends with benefits', I wanted to impress the same guy but I still could not do it then he said, "dont ever talk to me" and told me to "just **** off", This words made my heart sink because I like this guy, ever since he said this other emotions started coming to me. sad, helpless, worthless and stupid, I felt like killing myself but its not just because of those guys, I starting to get suicidal thoughts where roams around my head, I am losing interest in things that I enjoy.
I feel sleepy, and like I just want to stay in bed and not look after myself, sometimes I don't think, I deserve the good things in my life because I feel like I should be punished for the bad things I have done because I don't feel worth, I find its hard to forgive myself but I can easily forgive, I always think I am a bad person , and I don't want to hurt peoples feeling but if I do I cut myself and apologies endlessly until they forgive me.

Please Help Me, Though I don't know how

[vintyg]

Dear CheekyShanelle ,
After reading your post i could not quite make out what is the wrong that you have done ? and if i could not understand where at all you've done anything wrong i can confidently say most in the world would also think the same way . Now if you are feeling this in such a strong way you may not understand what i am saying completely . May be you made a few mistakes , but that is your right being born a human .
I pray and hope that you feel better soon .

[adam_k]

I don't think you did anything wrong. These men were just trying to use guilt to get what they wanted from you. You should not blame yourself because you didn't want to give in to thier demands. Thier behavior towards you doesn't warrant them getting anything. No one wants to be used and that is exactly what they were trying to do to you.

It sounds like you may be susceptible to depression. One of the criteria for major depressive disorder is inappropriate guilt and feelings of worthlessnss. Also reduced pleasure from activitiess you once enjoyed, reoccurent thoughts of suicide or death, fatigue or loss of energy, difficulty concentrating.

Most colleges have counseling services. Maybe speaking with them could give you some relief. If you want someone to talk to feel free to p.m. me. I hope things improve for you.