Ranting...Random Post...May Trigger

Wow I just feel like the biggest failure ever! I just want to die. I want to cut so deep and take so many pills. Everyone who looks at me sees my cuts and thinks I'm insane for hurting myself, that I just want attention. My own mother is afraid of me; afraid to even ask about my cuts, bruises and loss of weight. I haven't been eating like I need to be, I think I'm going back into wanting to really be thin again. I don't sleep well anymore and I always have dreams about death or someone dying. I have only one true friend, who I feel I'm slowly parting with. Growing up and becoming an adult sucks. It sucks how much you have to act perfect and act normal. I'm not normal, I don't want to grow up and make a career, start a family, and do normal people things. I just want to die because I will never fit in.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I can relate. Sometimes I wonder why was I put here on this earth to go through this type of pain. Please know that you are not alone. Please keep posting and no matter what please don't hurt yourself. Hang in there!

"One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." -unknown

I'm Chandler, Let me tell you about myself, I can totally relate to you. I also feel like a total failure. I turn 30 next month. I don't know how old you are but I'm assuming you're still a teenager. All I ever wanted to do in my life was to be a pilot. I had all these dreams of flying for a large airline, flying a specific airplane, traveling all over the world etc. When I was 18, I was offered this chance. Someone who was very generous was going to pay for me to go to college and flight school. That's nearly a $100,000.00 investment. For a Bachelors degree and from zero hours to commericially rated pilot. I was home free. I thought god had gifted me with my dream. Everything was going good for the first few months. I soloed a Piper airplane in Tallahassee Florida and was well on my way to my private pilots license. Then all hell broke loose. I had a psychotic break. During one of my flights i flipped out on an instructor and literally threw out all the manuals, maps, flashlights etc out of the airplane via the window. (I was in a Cessna 172). I was immediately grounded and was told in order to resume flying I would have to see the counselor at the college and follow up with the Airman Physician. Well the physician grounded me indefinetly. I packed up my stuff and moved home to St. Louis. I was devasted. I locked the horror, the devastation, the sadness, the anger, the depression up in my vault in my head. I refused to deal with my emotions. I said ok, I cant fly, but I good at cooking. So I'm going to culinary school instead. That worked out. I graduated from LeCordon Bleu Orlando in 2005. But my passion was still in the clouds. The depression of not flying, not being in the clouds finally crept up on me. It eventually consumed my life at the age of 28, a decade after the catashtrophe. I felt the same way you do now. I started to self harm, I would pick at scabs and other sores until they were seriously infected. I developed a serious eating disorder (overeating) my depression spiraled out of control. I attempted sui twice and I started getting delusions and hallucinations. My life crumbled. I had finally grabbed the fact that I was a total failure in life. I spent the next year and a half in and out of hospitals. Off and On meds, many different cocktails. I've also been diagnosed many different things. Many different labels. I finally ended up on Full Social Security Disability.

I have been working with a therapist, and my days of thinking I am a total failure come and go. They aren't always there anymore. I've done my fair share of crying about what has happened. But I am a firm believer It wasn't meant to be. It wasn't my destiny.

Just take one day at a time. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be normal. What is normal anyways?

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.--Bernice Johnson Reagon

A to-do list for today:
-Count your blessings
-Practice kindness
-Let go of what you cannot control
-Be productive, yet calm
-Listen to your heart
-Just breathe

What a wonderful story. I can't imagine feeling like a failure when you were able to both learn how to be a pilot--despite the mental set back-, and then a chef! I don't think I could do either one.
I'm so happy that you could offer your story to Gencat.

Gencat, please get some help. You really need to do it soon. Don't go further down than you are. Call your community helpline today. Use the information on the Depression Resources thread at the top of the forum to get help. make your Mom pay attention. She may want to but not know what to say. Please keep posting here and know we care about you. We will look for your posts to make sure you are OK.
Get help NOW!