[Jay_Smiley]

Everything is getting to me again. I thought I was getting better but I'm not. I've been self-harming and cutting myself since the 7th grade and I'm now in the 10th. That's 4 years now and my parents have only found out within the last month.

year 7They didn't notice that I would cover my arms and body from the scars and bruises. I was beaten up everyday by the same girl. This girl, Tamika, was a family friend's daughter I would have to stay at her house most school days because my mum was always at work and couldn't get me to school because we moved further away from the school I went to. Daily I put up with the physical and emotional abuse from her and her friends. I lied to my parents saying that it was by accident and she didn't mean to hurt me, I didn't want to cause any problems for them. My mother had just been caught cheating on my dad and they already fought and had enough dilemmas.

year 8 My parents fighting continued, the cops had been called to my house on more than one occasion for domestic abuse and illegal use of marijuana. My great-grandma whom I was very close too died as well as my granddad, aunt Teena, 2 family friends and my other great nan... all in one year. I'd grown accustomed to funerals and death. I began my unbearable fear of hospitals I cannot go anywhere near one. I started a new school which was closer to where we lived. I had lived my life in this area from birth to the 3rd grade and had developed many friends and my family was here. So I already knew many people. Things at school life was getting a lot better I found my best friend from as long as I can remember again and I loved to go to school everyday... it was home that terrified me.

year 9 I had to move back to my old area away from all my friends and family. Tamika and everyone else at the school tormented me.. I wasn't meant for this place I would never fit in. My depression worsened as did my Obsessive Compulsive and Axiety I was dying on the inside. I eventually had to move school to a different one but in the same area. The bullying had been too much. This school wasn't much better. Things just got worse and worse.

year 10 I'm back at the school I was in in year 8. My best friend had moved away but other friends of mine had stayed. I had grown feelings for a guy a couple years older than me, he was 18 and the feelings were mutual. He sent a certain type of sexual video to me and my parents found it and found out what his age was. This was unacceptable to them. My mother had been raped before and also my real dad had been older than her. I was unable to ever contact him again. If I did they threatened to call the police. I started having the same reoccurring dream every night. My parents found out about me self-harming, I now see a therapist once a week every week. OCD is now completely controlling I have panic attacks frequently. And now the story continues...

[allimsaying]

Keep reaching out. Dont isolate. Sending hugs.

Continue to post. It will help you to do so as well as help others who feel the same way as you do. Hang in there and keep seeing your T!

[lizardlady]

Repeating what others have said... keep posting. Keep seeing your therapist.

[Open Eyes]

It is good that you are working with a therapist now. You have some deep healing to do, but you can "heal", it just takes some time.

Has your therapist talked to you about "why" people sometimes choose to self injure?
You can learn about that, know you are not the only person that does this and also that you can learn other ways to self sooth instead of the self harming. Often people do this because it helps them take their mind "off" of the anxiety and frustration. However there are other ways you can learn to do this that are not as damaging, are actually "more" helpful and "healing" too.

I am sorry you were abused by this friend, bullied and didn't really have a "safe place or comforting presence to turn to" not your fault either. I can relate, I struggle with PTSD and that is also an anxiety disorder and has symptoms much like OCD and even depression I was abused and bullied too and though I didn't self harm I really struggled often. You have help now, be open with this T, don't be ashamed because a good T "can" help you learn to help yourself and become a strong functional person.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[barefootwarrior]

Hello Jay Smile,

My heart goes out to you. I am sorry that you have to go through this harsh childhood of yours. I'm sure it must be very stressful for you, but don't lose hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep seeking help from your therapist; I'm sure if she can't help you, she will find someone who can.

Also, you are not the only one who was or is a victim of bulling. I was also a victim of bullying throughout my early school years. I know how it feels to be humiliated and picked on. Be strong and if you can make good friends, make them because they can and will stand up for you. Best wishes to you.

[Idiot17]

I don't have any advice or anything to give you. Just wanted to send positive thoughts your way and many ((((hugs))))).

[Jay_Smiley]

Thankyou everyone. I actually teared up reading all your comments I'm not sure why exactly just did. Thankyou. You are all such beautiful people I wish you all the best as well