[chino22]

I don't really know how to start this. Since I was 14, I have turned into a person that I cannot stand anymore. I have become this shy, socially awkward person. Before 14, I was the most socially active person ever. I was always the first hand up in class. Everyone in my class knew me and I was friends with everybody. I felt like everything changed in one summer. This summer, my family and a bunch of other families rented a house upstate for vacation. During this vacation, I noticed my longtime friends started not hanging out with me as much. Instead, they talked to my sister the whole entire trip. My sister just turned 13 so I guess she was hitting her blossoming stage where she started caring about her looks and was becoming an attractive young girl. I felt so betrayed by my friends because they were my friends so why did they abandon me all of a sudden? I remember feeling so angry that I separated myself from them and basically ignored them for a long time. Then during the winter, all the families went on a ski trip. This time, a kid from my high school tagged along. I was talking to him and I thought we were going to be good friends until the same thing happened. When he met my sister, he left me alone and was always hanging out with her. When we got back to school, he had shown my sister’s photo to everyone and everyone kept looking at me and asking me, “What went wrong with you?” “I don’t really believe in genetics anymore.” At that time, I had moles on my face and was wearing glasses and had developed man breasts and a flabby stomach so I became extremely depressed around this time even though I never told anybody. Even my close friends were saying these things. I never invited any friends over to my house because I never wanted anyone to meet my sister.
When college came around, I thought it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I was living away from home and I was making new friends so nobody was going to know my sister. I had my moles removed, got rid of glasses and got contacts, went to the gym and worked out (even though I still have man boobs but I got a little more muscular and skinnier). However, I behaved scared all the time in college. I could never start a new conversation with anybody, my heart would race, I would feel extremely awkward and my words would start getting mixed up and I would feel so embarrassed like I was going to die. I developed a close group of friends who are a really great bunch of people but they sometimes say things that would send me into a depressed state for days at a time like “You have to act tougher” Or “You should pretend to be gay so you could infiltrate a bunch of girls and get us all laid.” Even talking with my friends, I would still slur my words or mix them up and feel awkward. Worst thing is when I have to talk to girls. I would never know what to say and I would feel extremely stupid all the time. During every conversation, my mind would race with things like: “What do I say next?”,”Why is he/she not making eye contact with me?”,”Does he/she like me?”. The problem is also I developed a mindset of judging everything a person does. If she glances at me, then she likes me. If she goes to talk to another person, then she doesn’t like me. If she doesn’t look at me while we are talking, she doesn’t want to talk to me. The list goes on and on. I envy anyone who can be themselves and have a carefree conversation and make jokes and not care if they are funny or not. I am the worst during interviews (over the phone or live), I never know what to say and I feel like the worst interviewee ever. I have not received an internship or job ever and I have pushed away interviews because I get so anxious about them that every day until that interview is filled with anxiety and worry.
I have also developed an obsession over my looks. If my hair is weird, then I will get depressed and will skip classes. If I get acne or if I can see my man breasts over my shirt then I will skip classes and avoid going outside. I spend way too long in front of the mirror. I buy these expensive hair and face things that never seem to work. I get depressed if I even see myself outside in the reflection of a car or something because I truly believe I am ugly and short and look like a child. Girls have been interested in me before and people always say I am cute or attractive or handsome. My family, people say, is an attractive family but I always feel like I am the ugly duckling. I am 22 years old and never kissed a girl. I also believe I have the worst body: fat (even though I’m skinny, I have a belly and man boobs), small penis, short. I haven’t taken my shirt off infront of anybody since I can remember and I make up an excuse why I never swim: because I am scared of water. I cannot even think of being in a relationship with a girl because in my mind, nobody should be with me.
I can never talk to my mom too because she tells everybody everything especially during gatherings with friends. I told her to stop doing this so I can tell her my personal feelings but she did it another time and I feel like I cannot trust her anymore even though I want to so badly.
I really don’t want to live this way anymore. I have a good life. A mom who loves me, friends who care about me, top 5% of my engineering class in college. I feel guilty for not enjoying life but life is a constant struggle for me. I am scared for my future. I am petrified to drive in a car because I am scared of confrontation if I piss someone on the road off or crash into someone. I cannot see myself getting a job because I don’t know how to talk to people. I want a girlfriend so bad but at the same time I am scared to be in a relationship with someone who will see me for all I am. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Woah, sounds like you have been through a lot. I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice, but if you ever want/need to talk...I'm here. Things will get better and although that sounds like BS, well...it is BS, but stay strong and stay positive! Good luck, <3
~Nikole

[Sam2]

Hi. I can relate to some of the things you are going through. I had a good friend that I spent all my time with until junior high when he just suddenly refused to hang out with me. We lived along the same route, but he would tell me not to walk home with him, he wanted to start hanging around with the kids that were cool, and I wasn't. I didn't date during high school and was picked on. For years after high school, I was sure that if I heard laughing from a group of people after I passed them, that they were laughing at me.
People say that high school eventually ends. That may be true, but the damage that some kids aquire during those years doesn't.

You've done a good job working on changing your outside to look like the person you feel you want to be. Some of your physical attributes such as "man breasts" which is gynomastia, may be hormonal in origin and it would be a good idea to see a Dr. and have your hormone levels checked. I do understand where that would cause a great deal of self esteem problems and self consciousness. And lets face it, guys can be pretty brutal to each other. We seem to have more difficulty accepting body types that are not what we consider normal in other guys, and some can be downright mean.

Realize that there is a great amount of variance in penis size. Unfortunately, both guys and girls tend to pay more attention to that then they should. You may be within the normal ranges, but if not, again, there could be a hormone problem. I don't have a sister, but its seems to me that the girls in high school compared breast size. I'd catch the tail end of conversations as i walked by though I don't know if it is a big thing for them.

See your Dr. about your chest. Having a hormonal imbalance does not mean that you are gay or girlish. It just means you have a hormone imbalance. There are plastic surgeons that can remove excess breast tissue is it is causing you severe problems, but at this point, with all you have been through, that alone will not change the way you feel about yourself. Seeing a therapist is a good idea to help you regain your self esteem. Its a hard thing to do alone and you shouldn't be embarrassed to ask for help.

Sam2

[bharani1008]

Hi Chino22 and welcome to PC. I'm really sorry you've been suffering so much. I hope that here you will find the support that you need.
I agree with everything Sam2 has said.
See a professional. That's the first step to feeling better. Have you had a physical checkup and seen an endocrinologist? This is information you need to get in control of your life. It sounds like you've developed social anxiety. This is a condition that is treatable with medication. Many people suffer from this problem. Also you probably should talk to a therapist. Your situation has been going on for a long time so you probably need help sorting out your thoughts and feelings.
People cope with social situations in different ways. Even people who seem so confident can be in agony on the inside. Read the posts on this site and you will see how many people look OK on the outside but are suffering internally. You're not alone.
I hope you feel better soon. Post here as often as you need to and someone will be there to listen.

[Harmacy]

Just to echo what others have said, getting hormone levels etc checked out sounds like a good idea. We all lay down fat in different places and it could just be that you have a genetic tendency to put on fat there. It would certainly help to rule out other possibilities though and by the sounds of it you're quite young so identifying any hormone issues asap would be the best in the long run.

As for the other stuff, it sounds like you may be developing social anxiety / avoidant personality tendencies. Once you've ruled out the physical stuff, I'd recommend working on your self esteem and confidence through CBT or even just reading the tonnes of advice all over this website. And again, catching these things and working on them while young is all good. It took me many years to finally tackle my issues head on and I so wished I'd started sooner.

It sounds like you need to be a bit kinder to yourself and perhaps just try and spend a whole day looking for all the good things you have and taking the focus off of the perceived negatives.

Good luck, let us know how you get on.